Should be happy but not

Hi,

Not really sure how to start. I know I should be happy, and in some part I am, recently getting engaged to the man of my dreams. However, I can’t shake these feelings of guilt, worthlessness and frustration. Having been made redundant from a job I hated, I can’t find work. I thought I did the right thing in life of going to uni and getting a degree, I volunteered, got some experience both in my field and in administration to expand my skills, I can’t even get basic work. Full time, part time, casual, temp, all of it, I don’t care, just something but I won’t even get an interview. Showed my resume to friends and people I trust and they think my resume is amazing (having helped me write it) and keep saying I’ll get a job in no time, yet here I am, a month and still nothing. ZERO. It’s a massive hit to my self esteem. On top of feeling guilty that my partner is working at a job he hates too but can’t afford to leave as it’s the only money we have. The guilt is suffocating me to watch him suffer and I feel like it’s my fault.

I’ve always suffered from anxiety which has made me feel like such a weakling. The second something gets too much, I run away, I don’t want to face it, I break down. I feel like I should be able to handle these problems, to act like an adult and put my big girl panties on and face the world. But I can’t. It’s too much and it makes me feel weak. That I’m lazy. I know my family thinks I am. As loving as they are, I know they think I’m spoiled and lazy, that I don’t want to do the hard work. But I don’t know how to change that. Everyone just tells me to just do it. But I can’t.