Confused and heartbroken

Hello @Former-Member You've made the first step in seeking to change a really awful situation, and that took courage and effort. Well done you.

This sounds like a really complicated, abusive and very unsafe situation for you, and for your children if they are still living in the house with your husband.

He is telling an untruth when he says you cause him to be like he is. HIs behaviour is not your responsibility, and you are not responsible for causing it.

You are responsible for your own safety and that of the children in your care.

Do you have a support system of your own that includes medical, domestic violence and mental health support for you? You need some support so you can make informed decisions about what options you have to be sure you are respected in your own home.

I'm sorry you have had a traumatic childhood, and I'm so sorry you are going through this now. It's really difficult stuff.

Be strong. Keep your own counsel as you look at options - that means don't get cranky at him and tell him everything you're doing to find some resolution to this.

Get legal advice. Where you go to find it will depend on the state you are living in.

This page has phone numbers for various helplines: https://www.sane.org/get-help

I hope you find a really speedy resolution so you can get safe and stay safe because what you're going through is not okay.

@Former-Member Just checking in with you. How are you going today?

@Former-Member I'm so sorry you are feeling so confused, that is not a nice way to be at all.

Have you been able to talk to anyone outside of the situation (not your husband, not a family member) about how you feel and what is foing on in your home? That would be a good thing to do. Especially if you can find someone who is not a friend of his to talk to.

I understand how hard it is to accept that someone who says they love you is doing unpleasant (and worse) things to you. It's really hard.

You're not overthinking it. You're not overreacting.

The things you mention definitely need attention from outside sources.

Please phone a Domestic Violence call centre and talk anonymously about what you're experiencing so you can get an idea of just how wrong his behaviour is. You are not in the wrong.

Be strong. Make the call. Get information so you can make some informed decisions. Help your kiddies. Help yourself. Doing this might end up helping him too.

Hi @Former-Member,

Ive read your story. It is totally understandbale that you would be feeling like a mess right now. You are trying to come to terms with a major deception and the realisation that the person who you thought you knew may not be who you thought he was. The behaviour that you have described is abusive and you should not have to put up with someone who doesnt respect your boundries and who is not taking responsbility for his problems. It really doesnt sound like you are over reacting. If you would like to talk through your thoughts and options, you are welcome to call us on 1800 18 7263. You might also consider calling 1800 respect: 1800 737 732

I'm glad you have someone to talk with honestly about this @Former-Member, perhaps she can sit with you during a call to one of the services where you can get more guidance for your situation. Maybe she can accompany you to a meeting with someone like the DV services.

I do know how hard it is to accept the situation and what it all boils down to, so many facets to all of this. I still can be overwhelmed by the knowledge that I chose the person I did to marry and to be the father of my children. I don't know if that will ever go away.

I would like to share with you the that there is one thing I wish I had done differently. That would have been to have accepted the information of the first person who had the courage to speak clearly and concisely about what he was doing to me and my children. I didn't because I thought he loved me and us, and that I was the one in the wrong.

I argued with her, she understood though, and kindly, gave me the best piece of advice I've ever had.

To think about it and when the realisation about the truth comes to me, to take some time to get organised before leaving. She told me what to do and how to do it and she saved my life and my childrens' lives. Literally.

I do hope your situation works out better.

Hi there @Former-Member. For very realistic privacy reasons, no, there's no way to communicate privately on SANE. Please feel welcome to ask me questions, I will answer to the best of my ability without revealing identifying information that could jeopardise my continued safety.

I understand what you're saying, and thinking, and this information about your husband seems to be new to you. I'll pretend you've asked me some questions, ones I didn't know I needed to ask myself and perhaps that will help you make your own decisions.

I denied the domestic violence for many years too. He loved me, how could it be that? His job meant he was helping others to cope with that sort of situation, he'd know it was wrong to do that to me, so it couldn't be DV.

In addition, parents supported him over me, friends mostly had the same going on in their lives, or we all hid it entirely from shame, and it was accepted in the society as the norm even though it was so wrong.

One day I was at the local neighbourhood centre for a meeting for something entirely unrelated and read the latest informational stuff sitting around the place.

The booklet was titled with something that caught my eye due to the nature of our work situations, and my legs went from under me in the realisation of the truth of what was happening to me, in my home.

It was one of the most shocking discoveries I've made. More came later, but this was one of the most life altering ones.

I understand you say he loves you, and you say you love him, and love takes many forms. It is not okay to have to beg to have your boundaries respected by your husband.

I'd like you to pretend you are helping a friend, some one who is very, very dear to you, and whose best interest you have at heart. This friend who is important to you, tells you all about her worries and problems with her husband and children. They are the same problematic issues as you have. Take some time to think about what advice and suggestions you would give your friend.