Seeking mutual support from carers

hello @Bella1978 and sending you hugs

Yes , my mum is 86 and very independant , last years she had bowel surgery to remove 15 inches of dead bowel , now she is frail and I am doing as much as I can to help and care for her evryday , my husband has MI all his life

and at times i feel guilty that i don`t do enough as she says little things , then i feel guilty

wonderful to see you here, keep in touch , it is soo good having the support here to help us to do one day at a time

Hello @Susana, @Determined, @Former-Member

Hi @Shaz51

You definitely sound as though you have your hands full Shaz. Caring for others takes a huge toll on us, doesn't it? I only started chatting on this forum this morning and, it may sound crazy, but I already feel a bit relieved having others to chat to - who understand.

We place a lot of expectations on ourselves at times. Feeling that we aren't doing enough ... I try to remind myself that I am doing the best I can in this situation - I am her sole carer. I treasure the times I get to spend with her but it is also physically and emotionally draining - as you would know.

Thank you for the hugs - right back at ya! 🙂

Yes @Bella1978, I have found being here has really helped me xx

Has your mum have things she likes to do

and try to find some self care time for you too , I find the little things like having a cupps on the front steps helps

what things do you like to do

Hi @Shaz51

Mum has lived with mental illness for a very long time. She is very much a homebody and reliant on me. I take her out as much as I can, ie going for drives, coffee, lunch, shopping, etc when she is up to it. We'll even sit down and watch Everybody Loves Raymond (her favourite tv show).

I have spurts of self care and than periods of no self care lol ... today I realised though that I am starting to spiral downhill with my own depression and decided I can't let that happen. I find keeping myself busy really helps - doesn't matter what it is as long as I can throw myself into it! And going for walks. I also do online study in counselling but some days I am too shattered to do any of that! I also make sure I keep in contact with my 2 closest friends. I have an older sister but she plays no role in helping me look after our mum so yeah, I have resentment there but I digress ....

How about yourself? What other things do you enjoy doing?

@Bella1978 , I find it very hard to find things to do for me and like you i find it very hard to find a balance

I always have 4 step children who arre all adults now , but they have different levels of MI like their dad

I have no close friend because of my husband`s MI , so I am try to inclue small selfcare when i can

@Shaz51

I agree, finding balance is definitely hard. And self care is very important but unfortunately everything else comes first, doesn't it? And the leftover energy we have, we try to look after ourselves but it is impossible sometimes.

@Bella1978- good to meet you. Really glad to hear your are going to see Carers counsellors. In my experience they are so in sync with what carers go through. I have been to Carers Vic and they have at times been a lifeline. My mother is 91 and has been recently diagnosed as bipolar. So there are many physical and mental health issues. The last 5 years have been rough - and carers vic made me realise I cant fix all of mum's problems and to stay out of the way when she gets nasty. I hope you connect with a good counsellor - they can make a world of difference. I still struggle with feeling guilty but I have to accept and acknowledge my husband and i have a right to have a peaceful life. I too became isolated - and yes many people have no idea what it is like. It sounds as though you are a wonderful daughter - take care of yourself as well as your mum. Sending hugs and peace

Hi @merri

Thanks for your response - really apreciate it 🙂

Yep, the counsellor thing has been a long time coming I think! Gotta start somewhere. I also see a psychiatrist as I also battle with the black dog.

Acceptance is a very big thing. Somedays I can accept and other days I struggle. Mixture of emotions we go through. But I need to focus on some self care for myself otherwise I'm no good to anyone!

Like you, my mum has both mental and physical health conditions - she is 73.

I tell myself that I am doing my best. I'm doing this on my own, ie without the support of my sister so I need to make hard decisions sometimes.

Thank you for your lovely comments.

Big hugs and peace coming your way too! x