Coping with social anxiety

Hi @Jaz4 and welcome to the forum!

There are quite a few of us who have similar experiences to the things you have mentioned here, and I'm sure others will drop by to offer their assistance soon.

My situation with anxiety isn't of the socialising type, but I can certainly relate to feeling anxious where there are too many people, too much noise, too much bright, all sorts of things can ramp up the anxiety levels.

I'm pretty sure I had self esteem issues from a young age, I can recall going to school on the bus (country area) and feeling like the kids already on the bus would be laughing at me for something. As an adult, I realise that would sometimes have been so, and sometimes it would have been due to my supersensitivities.

Where I'm going with this is ... One day, at around age 12, I mentioned how I felt about this to my mother asking for ideas on how to deal with it. She snapped back in her usual manner and contemptuous tone, "What makes you think you're important enough for them to be talking about you!"

Not the help I was looking for, but it has held me in good stead, because it made me think of things from a different perspective. I started taking more notice of what those older kids were doing when I felt like they were laughing at me, and it turned out they were involved in other games they'd been playing before arriving at my stop.

Please understand that I am not saying you're not important, nor that I was not important then either. What I'm clumsily trying to recount is how it's possible to alter the way we behave by altering the way we are looking at our personal worlds.

Those people you're dealing with are all quite probably, as nervous, or nearly as nervous as you are. The way I have been managing going out stress is to look outside myself at the people around me and notice how well or otherwise they seem to be getting along in their day. Doing that shifts the focus from my own internal feelings to an external information mode. (I do hope that makes sense).

The other thing I know to work for me is to talk about something I know I am good at, or feel good about, or interested in. If you aren't sure enough of your job situation, learn as much as you can about it so you do feel more comfortable in that position.

Say you're in retail for instance: know your product so you can explain the pros and cons, AND learn how to ask the buyer what it is they want in the item they are looking at purchasing. Of course it will take some time to find your own way of reaching out to help your customers get what they want, I do believe the effort will be worth it to you as your work situations grow and change too.

I hope that made sense - I had to type fast as I'm about to make dinner.

Hi guys. I know what you are talking about. I have all those anxiety disorders too. What I am doing is approaching it with a holistic viewpoint. Some things I am incorporating into my life are:

1) Minimalism (declutter your life)

2) Finances (save a little each week)

3) Exercise (regular walking)

4) Diet (eat something healthy each day)

5) Spiritualism (we are lucky)

6) Relationships (family, friends)

7) Hobbies (music, writing)

Maybe we could add practical examples to this list and build it up. Thanks guys.

They are some really good points @joeblow. I'm glad they are working for you in your situation.

Would you like to explain more about how you've made those points work in your life? Not all will be relevant to everyone because of differing situations, for example, not everyone has family or friends around them for varying reasons, or health might interfere with the ability to exercise and so on.

Learning how others make these things work for themselves is a good start to finding ways to incorporate new activities into one's own life.

Hi @Former-Member and @Jaz4. Nice to chat with you. I too am trying to get my life together after years of struggling with anxiety and other mental illnesses. I have tried many things and seen many therapists. Recovery is a very personal thing and you need to find the right fit for you which can take many years. I am still trying to find that fit. I will try to discuss these few ideas I have a bit further and it would be great to hear what you think about it all.

1) Minimalism

Minimalism is a living concept that borrows heavily from an Eastern tradition of living simply. The Buddhist and Hindu monks have lived in a simple way for many centuries. They own the clothes on their backs and thats pretty much it. Westerners accumulate rubbish. Material things that dont matter. Minimalism sort of says, get rid of all this superfluous stuff and get back to what matters. In a practical sense I try to live by this teaching in all areas of my life. Furniture, electronics, clothes, wall hangings, household products, bed linen etc etc. Everything. I keep it simple. By having less stuff, I create more space in my house. I have less to maintain. Less to replace. Less to clean. Less to stress about. Its brilliant! If you want to look into it further you can search for Minimalism on the net and you will soon find all sorts of stuff about it.

Anyway, it would be great to hear from you guys. Talk soon.

@Jaz4 REally pleased to have been of some assistance there. BAck in the olden days when I was starting at work, the only things we really had to help us with dealing with the socialising aspect of life were books like Manners and how to be a good conversationalist. I admit they did provide some good fall back suggestions that I still use.

I do think carefully about what I'm going to say more often than I don't, not to the point of missing another person's converstation as can happen if one gets too involved inside your own head, though. That was something that came out of those old books.

How are you going with the identifying what makes you confident? has anything indicated what makes you feel less confident, as sometimes that can be a good place to work from too?

Thank you for acknowledging the timing of my post, I appreciated that very much.

@joeblow I intend to get back to be able to respond more effectively, apologies for taking so long so far.

Minimalism for me is on a continuing and sliding scale rather than a 'get rid of it all' type of mentality. As my life changed over many years, I sold, gave away, dumped a great many things, and people, from my life (didn't sell the peoples). Every house move means more of a downsizing shift in some aspects of items.

I believe I need to be comfortable, and so choose items to suit my current and hopefully, future needs, yet live relatively simply compared to anyone else I know and to what advertising says I 'should' have.

When one has small children, minimalism takes a different route than when there are no children, or even older children. Just talking points at the moment as there are so many things to consider when one decided to downsize for whatever reason.

For instance, I can't foresee a time when I won't be using my sewing machine and overlocker, nor can I see a time when crochet and all it's associated yarn stash and tools won't have a place in my home, so they stay regardless of what any instruction book might suggest.

But, there's really minimal other stuffs in this home, so each person needs to deal with reduction as it works for them and what matters to them and their perceived lifestyle requirements.

I used to think how great it would be to live like Buddhist monks and not have to worry about anything, then I grew up and then a researched how they actually live!

They are totally dependent upon the goodwill of the village to feed them on a once a day basis. One robe, what happens on washing day? It's easy to live a simple life when someone else is supplying your daily needs though, no matter how little you might get given.

On the whole though,Buddhist monastic life is not the romantic vision some would have us believe it is.

Still, I agree that recognising the 'trappings' of one's own situation is the first step to reducing that which is not necessary and reclaiming physical and mental space, time and money for other things.

@Jaz4I have had heaps of similar social anxiety symptoms. You describe the sensations really well. You are clearer than I was for many years. I could not put words to the feelings and retreated again and again. Something inside me kept researching and looking for answers.

Parenting and teaching helped me overcome it at times, as the purpose of what I was doing became more important than my feelings about myself.

Regular exposure but not too overwhelming, kept me facing up to, and learning about others. I often use the back away mode, but for a while I did not allow myself to back away for too long.

Last week my son called me a social blunderer, but understood the causes of my limitations. So I aint saying I got it licked, but social circumstances have a lot to do with it, not just social skills. LIke @Former-Member I went with basic manners and consideration, which helps a lot, but people are so complicated. I also wanted to get the hang of relationships which seemed to go deeper than politeness and manners.

@joeblowOn Minimalism. I first heard about it as a swedish functional design element. Which I also associated with over priced furniture ... lol ...before Ikea came out ... but I do get what you mean ...

Your list is a great way to deal with life.

@Appleblossom that sounds unfair and a touch judgemental of your son. but perhaps it only sounds that way in the written word and I am being the judgement one in this instance.

Everyone percieves of what is before them based on their own experiences. It can be so confusing and difficult to understand what is happening in any one conversation, let alone when multiple conversations with multiple people are occuring at the one time.

By your words and in the interactions I see you in here you have a consideration for others, and an innate grace, that I can only aspire to Appleblossom, I imagine you are the same in real life.

One of the biggest changes I've seen for myself is the understanding that my politeness often covers up for the bad behaviour of others.

@Jaz4 @joeblow how are you both going this week?

Thank you @Former-Member I do care and I do try, but I understood what he meant. When my back is against the wall I may not always be a pretty sight. I have had to stand up for myself and my sibs.. my main protector has been my cat!