My journey

Cat is a tabby but she has 4 white feet - and although is classed as a short hair cat, her hair is a bit longer than most short haired cats. Toby is a white fluffy Maltese Shih Tzu - he is adorable @Former-Member. He definitely loves his mummy - I think I have said before = he is my little shadow 0 he follows me everywhere - even when I just go into the next room lol

No I am not working @Former-Member - been off work for 18 months now and I really miss it. I definitely miss the kids The aim is to try to get me back to work at least part-time towards the end of the year but I still don't know if that is going to be possible - too many triggers

Teaching is such a stressful job even when you are not unwell - so I don't know if I will ever be able to go back to that. I want to because I love working with the kids but it is all the 'extra' stuff we have to do outside of the classroom now that adds to the workload dramatically. My job is still there if/when I can go back! Whatever capacity that is/will be is something we have to work out though.

I am lucky to have the most beautiful, snuggly fur babies @Former-Member - they are extremely spoilt

I definitely treat them as my 'children' - they are very well cared for

I can understand how incredibly hard that would have been for you @Former-Member - I would do anything to make sure my babies are happy, healthy and safe - they really do mean the world to me!

I believe the empathy we see here for each other every day cannot be faked and that must certainly transfer into the real world - so I have no doubt that you also show this in your work environment @Former-Member

I can just see how abusive it was now and how much i considered his own needs but mine were disregarded majority of the time, i still feel like him in that sense with the effects of how it has come out in my life in a negative way. I cared about too much, everything and everyone and always put others first. I still do now but I know I definately have changed.. People keep telling me not to be bitter and to forgive but I guess within myself I don't want to because I remember everytime I did forgive him particularly when violence after every sorry I went back. I feel sometimes hating him is my guard to protect myself but I still feel like that is the wrong thing to do I have him plently of chances I knew he wasn't perfect and I knew that I wasn't perfect either I saw his potential, I guess that is where I lost myself entirely and lost all self respect for myself
He knew which buttons to push, he knew I was wrapped around his little finger
Until I truly heal I will be toxic to every person
I learnt it all back to front to be honest
@Zoe7

I definitely don't think you are toxic to others @Former-Member - that kind of hurt changes us - makes us more on-guard and unable to trust but it definitely does not make you toxic!

Healing is such a loaded term too - what is healing! Is it the ability to get through each day in a positive way or is it knowing ourselves well enough to be able to tackle each day as it comes?

For some the process of 'healing' is a life worth living, for others there needs to be some kind of 'conclusion' to past hurt to move forward - we are all different.

I personally know that any healing is not forgetting or moving on from past hurt - it is more about learning strategies to cope with it - nothing can change so much of what I have been through and I am certainly not going to be able to forget - so all I really have is ways to deal with it - and that is something that is going to take some time to work on!

I feel a lot of different emotions @Former-Member - hate is one! The really confusing thing is I still feel love for him as well - and that can be soul destroying when two such strong emotions are both mixed in together!

I don't feel embarassed because so much of what happened I could not help - I do feel many other things but it is a bit hard for me to talk about!

I struggle with those same demons every day - I don't feel toxic like you do but I do try to protect myself from any further pain and that for me means isolation and not forming any kinds of relationships. That is why being on here is so important to me - it is how I stay connected with people and that helps me from going down the dark path and never returning!