Tortured in my Skin!

Hi @bha thanks for sharing and I don't want to be trite in anything I say. Your post makes me feel sad and everything in me wants to have the right suggestion that may change something for you, but apart from checking out if there is anything physiologically that can be done, whether that be a natural holistic approach or not, any difference will ultimately be found by you. All I can say is that for support or companionship, the wonderful warm forumites are here. Take care.

Hi @bha

Ah yes, "it's all black and tastes sour". I hear you. The black dog has dug it's pours in and is tormenting you. I have experienced this - and it can be hard to put in words and very painful. And it can be difficult to see any point in that bleak dark pain. You are not alone.

Have you ever talked to anyone about how you are feeling? Your family or mates? It is okay to do so. As you are right whether male or female - "it does not make us weak". But the case of having been very strong for so long without leaning on another and it's tiring. Have you tried counselling or any other form of treatment? If not please consider doing so - your feelings are important.

You have been successful and have a loving family - yes something most deeply desired by many of us and what we aspire to as happiness; - but did you have time to yourself to do things you personally enjoyed and/or had time to pursue that which meant something to you? Time for you to do want you wanted to do? - or was it all about conforming to society and everyone else's expectations?

Burnout can be a real factor if so and if that's the case we can't feel joy or pleasure in anything, we don't want to do anything as our bodies and minds become tired and worn out from constant overload, and we forget how to really live. That can change with help.

I am relieved to read you have not made any final plans feeling the way you do. Just wanted you to know that we hear you and to please keep reaching out.

@bha You're right - you aren't weak. You have battled for 50 years. You are different, and that's an experience I too have had for as long as I can remember. This forum has been enormously helpful to me from that perspective - some solidarity and understanding. Have you considered seeking help from health professionals? My experience with that has been mixed but has kept me alive and I'm fortunate to currently have good pdoc & tdoc. I'm not advocating medication to dull/sedate/disconnect from pain, and there are limits to talking. What I have found is that I need medication to function in a society that is largely oblivious, or indifferent, to the many forms of neurodiversity that a minority experience. My psychologist has helped me process a lot of stuff, including whether it is worth struggling on; something that rears its head from time to time. The two combined have also given me respite enough to find other things that help, like meditation. Your situation sounds incredibly difficult. Just wanted to say that there may be ways to make staying easier.

For all those who suggested getting help.

1. My psychiatrist ran out of medications to try
2. I had ECT
3. I had trial treatment (tDCS)
4. I applied for a 2nd trial treatment
5. I have seen many psychologists over the last 20 years or so
6. I tried Cupping, Honey and Bee Venom
7. I tried many kinds of supplements

Thank you for the suggestion. However, I think I have done enough effort!

Fair call @bha