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Lost Mum needing advice

Bella74Casual Contributor13 Mar 2018, 3:58 pm AEDT

Lost Mum needing advice

I am so lost right now.

The last year was incredibly difficult and changed everything for me. My partner was emotionally abusive and thankfully through counselling we are on the right path. It brought up a lot of grief for me over. Abuse as a kid etc but we got through and I told myself it was all worthwhile as I had stepped up and changed things so my kids would never go out and relive such trauma.
Then just before Xmas we had a family move in next door. Things were odd from the get go and I was constantly trying to keep my kids from following their example. I love kids so I was very friendly and tried to make them feel welcome but there were strange things happening and I couldn’t put my finger on it.
Long story short I thought my kids were being bullied so I was extra vigilant and started watching extra close so I could make sure they were all ok.
What I discovered has broken me. The reason my kids were changing is they were being bullied but it was also sexual abuse. To my knowledge it’s the kids in the family and sadly my five year old was the one affected.
It’s been SO hard. He had regressed and was drinking bottles and wetting the bed. He got urinary tract infections. Because I witnessed what happened he vacillates between hating me and wanting extra TLC.
I still have to live next door to these people. It’s a police investigation but these were kids. I don’t even have anyone to hate. And I need someone to hate.
I need to know who did this to those kids so they would bring it into my babies lives.

I don’t know how to talk to my son and I’m still waiting on details for counsellors etc

I feel like my babies are now in a system I don’t understand and never thought I would have to. Like waiting for detectives to talk to them when I don’t even know what to say to minimise the damage.

I pray nobody else has this experience but I need to know my baby will be ok.

Are there resources for kids counselling?
The worst thing about this is this kind of abuse is stigmatised and all secretive and that’s just adding to our grief and stress. I can’t even tell people to get support as you have to consider how that info will afffect other people.
If somebody bashed them, they would be supported. But someone takes their innocence and it stays secret and silent. Just makes it all the harder 💔

It’s lonely and dark & I failed my kids. This happened in their own home 😪

I need them to be ok. They will be won’t they?

7 replies

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In response to: Lost Mum needing advice

CheerBearSenior Contributor13 Mar 2018, 5:44 pm AEDT

Re: Lost Mum needing advice

Hi @Bella74. I'm so sorry to hear of what happened. I think it's very brave to have reached out here for support. The mix of silence and pain can be very scary and I hope it helps to be here and have been heard.

While our situations are very different, there are elements of them that seem similar. I can relate to the broken that can happen when your kids have been hurt and how much it can feel like you've failed them. The grief, pain, fear, guilt etc has been so intense for me at times. I didn't know what to say to mine, who were similarly caught up in things like you mentioned with police. Everything inside me wanted to make things better and take things back and I just couldn't. All I could do for them was listen, love and be as honest as I felt I could be in a way that I hoped wouldn't hurt them more. So, so hard.

I know my kids have been changed by the things that have happened, like we are all changed through our experiences, both good and not-so-good (and terrible) ones. I believe kids can be ok when they know they're loved through whatever it is they're going through, as it so clear through your post that you love yours.

There is support and the police will be able to point you in the right direction (they should be able to). I encouraged my kids to talk to kids helpline a couple of times when we were stuck. It's for kids from 5 so it may help. Info here. I'm not sure what state you're in but Parentline phone service may also help (I called them for support with behaviour when it was really challenging). There's info for state and territory numbers about half way down this page here.

Do you have any support for yourself? I found it so helpful to have someone I could talk to about it to. It's so important to look after you also (and so difficult to do sometimes when our kids are in need of so much of us).

Wishing you the best with what sounds incredibly hard. Keep talking here if it helps also.

In response to: Lost Mum needing advice

Bella74Casual Contributor14 Mar 2018, 7:22 pm AEDT

Re: Lost Mum needing advice

Thank you so very much for your reply CheerBear and I am so sorry for your Family’s pain. It’s not fair!
Your advice has helped so much. You’re right, just be honest. There are so many things I’m scared to say or ask, but the moments they need to be said come up with no warning and no instructions don’t they 😞
So I have to say something.

You have given me hope and I sincerely appreciate it.

Love and more love I am well equipped for so I’ll go with that. That part I can do. And kids helpline I hadn’t considered for him so that’s brilliant.

Thankyou xo

In response to: Re: Lost Mum needing advice

Unknown userMember19 Mar 2018, 4:26 pm AEDT

Re: Lost Mum needing advice

Hello @Bella74

Nice to meet you 🙂

I just wanted to see how things are going for you this week, are you having any specific difficulties you wanted to talk through?

I a glad @CheerBear was able to link you to some extra support services for your children and you are working on ways of being honest and open that is not easy at all, so it is good you are open to trying that.

I look forward to hearing more and getting to know you better,

Lunar

In response to: Lost Mum needing advice

Bella74Casual Contributor19 Mar 2018, 7:03 pm AEDT

Re: Lost Mum needing advice

Hi Luna,
Thanks so much for checking in. I thought we were getting there. For myself I had started waking more and playing music which stopped my personal flashbacks but the family were also away for a few days and that helped. Now that they’re back things have become stressful again.
I tried to talk to my eldest son and he is adamant nothing happened which I hope is true.
I know the police have spoken to the other family now but I don’t know where they’re at or whether they are angry at me or what’s happening with their child. It’s heartbrekaing because I live that little boy just because he spent s much time with us so now I worry about him too.
My husband has been amazing and so supportive but it’s hard as he works long hours and the hours I’m having to be vigilant and ensure my kids don’t interact with the other kids. We now have a fortress so they can’t, but constantly telling my kids they can’t play with their friends is awful and making me feel like I’m adding to the shame factor of this entire situation.

My older son had a bad day at school and tbh it feels like everything is pointless and I will never be a good enough parent anymore. I’m living on guilt when I tell them off, when I send them to school, when they come home and have to be constantly supervised.

My husband is being positive and saying other families havre it so much worse and I understand that logically. But my heart doesn’t 😞

If I could, I would pack my kids up and leave. Take them travelling. I feel like there’s no end to this situation and I’m just not equipped to handle it properly 😞

In response to: Lost Mum needing advice

CheerBearSenior Contributor19 Mar 2018, 8:49 pm AEDT

Re: Lost Mum needing advice

Hi @Bella74. Sorry I missed your reply from a few days ago. I noticed it when @Former-Member tagged me this afternoon, which you can do by putting an @ symbol in front of a user's name if you'd like. It makes it a bit easier for people to see and reply to posts.

You're very right in that things like this don't come with an instruction manual. I think it can leave us wondering what we could possibly do. It's really hard when all you want to do is make things better.

I can relate to that feeling of needing to protect your kids and how intense that can be (and what it can do to us). I think that's definitely something that would happen for a lot of us who have kids who've experienced being hurt in some way. I found/can find it exhausting.

It's great that you were able to stop those flashbacks and that things sound like they were less stressful for a little while. Things can feel and be like a rollercoaster for me, with some days and times being a little better and easier, and others definitely not so much. It is tough to go through those harder times, especially after things were looking up for a bit, I think.

Wishing there was something more to say that could help, but I wanted to reply to say that you're not alone.

In response to: Lost Mum needing advice

Bella74Casual Contributor20 Mar 2018, 12:07 am AEDT

Re: Lost Mum needing advice

Hi CheerBear,
Thankyou for checking in but please don’t apologise! My reply wasn’t meant to make you feel bad at all so if it did I sincerely apologise.
My husband pointed out to me our kids are otherwise well and excelling at school and that many many people have worse lives. Cerebrally I understand that but I am feeling that what we have been through may be the catalyst for my babies struggles in later years if I mess things up now. I’m sad that you underarms, I really am. Knowing there are so many kids suffering on top of mine is a killer.
For now I’m just treading water and trying to have faith in these little ones that they have the strength to over come anything that comes their way. That somehow I’ll find the right tools to help and I’ll be able to stop my own feelings of failure from getting in the way of that. They’re special little beings and I truly hope that for you and yours also ❤️

In response to: Lost Mum needing advice

Bella74Casual Contributor20 Mar 2018, 12:08 am AEDT

Re: Lost Mum needing advice

** I’m not sad at your under arms just FYI 😂 only that you understand! Gosh I really need to check before I post 🤪

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