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There must be something wrong with me

QueenieSenior Contributor12 Mar 2018, 10:18 pm AEDT

There must be something wrong with me

There must be a sign attached to me I think saying in big letters AVOID!

I reached out for help in the offline world and got shut down immediately. I have zero friends (but lots of acquaintances). I have family who only talk to me when they can get something from me. I sit down at night and holy cow it's lonely. I go to bed by myself (my Mrs stays up until the early hours as she is a night owl). She wakes before me, so I wake up alone.

I feel like I wasn't ever meant to be. I am a star fallen to Earth that should have remained in outer space, floating in nothingness. Truth be told I was informed a few years ago that my Mother was booked in for a medical termination, but my Father talked her out of it. Ever since then my Father has reminded me that he wished I was never born, that I was a disappointment and something to be ashamed of. I guess that's why family do not speak to me (because they agree with my Father).

I don't even know why I am bothering to type this 'stuff'... I guess I am half venting, half at the end of my rope. I don't know why, I just don't. I guess there really IS something wrong with me.

6 replies

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In response to: There must be something wrong with me

Unknown userMember12 Mar 2018, 11:34 pm AEDT

Re: There must be something wrong with me

@Queenie. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I think it's the world that's wonky. I'm sorry it's so hard. It shouldn't be this hard.

In response to: There must be something wrong with me

Unknown userMember12 Mar 2018, 11:43 pm AEDT

Re: There must be something wrong with me

Hi @Queenie it's just bad thoughts & feelings, i don't think there is anything wrong with feeling everything you do if you feel it you feel it.

In response to: There must be something wrong with me

NatalieSSenior Contributor13 Mar 2018, 4:24 am AEDT

Re: There must be something wrong with me

@Queenie

We can't help what we feel.

The ache of loneliness sucks.

Like you, I can be surrounded by people at work or in the day-to-day stuff, but I'm lonely and alone.

You are meant to be. You are important. You are not alone here.

In response to: There must be something wrong with me

Ant7Senior Contributor13 Mar 2018, 4:51 am AEDT

Re: There must be something wrong with me

@Queenie Wow that sounds so terrible I really feel for you. I want to send you the words that will make everything better but I know that they don’t exist. So I am sending you positive thoughts and love and for you to know that people are here for you ❤️

In response to: Re: There must be something wrong with me

AppleblossomSenior Contributor13 Mar 2018, 5:21 am AEDT

Re: There must be something wrong with me

Dear @Queenie

Sorry you were shut down when you reached out. It is very disheartening. I really enjoy your presence on the forums. You often shine your light here. It is good that we can show many different parts of our personalities and so we dont only focus on the pain. I have heard that the owl/fowl thing can be hard in relationships as it revolves around deepset habits, but dont let that separation get you down too much.

Recently I was shutdown irl. For once, I could take it in my stride and see it as their problem. I calmly made my decisions and connected to the people who I wanted to remain in contact with and I did not introject their attitudes. Jostling for social position and silly power games are rife everywhere. Finally, I am learning to armour myself against that without letting things blow up.

Take care Bel' punkette!

In response to: There must be something wrong with me

BastSenior Contributor13 Mar 2018, 6:36 pm AEDT

Re: There must be something wrong with me

Hi Queenie

I understand from your post that the big black hole is swallowing you up. I feel so sad for you. Rejection is just such a horrific and further reinforcer of how you must be feeling.

To be informed that, there was a battle about holding onto you for your birth is so devasting. Your family has no right to use you.

I would love you to consider that my belief system is so clearly about being one with the universe, every beautuful tree, star, idilic places are a part of us all.

You have given so much inspiration and kindness to me and multiple others on this forum, your resilience and wisdom have always shone.

I am lonely too and believe I am a total reject - are our labels actually true, this is a question always worth considering.

I love your words "I am a star fallen to earth" you therefore have a purpose - the truth will eventually show itself. Your life will therefore never be wasted.

With many thoughts and much empathy

Bastless and Odin

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