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Partner with Adult Separation Anxiety

Sa7265New Contributor11 Mar 2018, 11:59 am AEDT

Partner with Adult Separation Anxiety

I really need some advice or help. My partner has been diagnosed with Separation Anxiety, around me specifically. He’s a bright and outgoing guy, working full time in a government dept for a job he loves. But things at home have become unbearable in a very short space of time. Last night it was because we had friends over and my girlfriend and I went into my bedroom to get changed into bathers - he was looking for me and wasn’t able to come into the room for the 10 minutes that we were there.. so he followed me around the house for another 30 minutes saying his anxiety was building up and if I didn’t fix it he would make a scene in front of everyone. I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t listen, when I tried to walk away because he had guests he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back so hard that we both fell into a wall. Now my friends think that I’m trying to cover up domestic violence as well and I got sat down for a talk with them.. This is all so hard to explain and even harder to try to figure out how on earth to deal with this, we have an 8yo and a 3yo. I don’t want them to see any of this and grow up thinking it’s a normal relationship or acceptable 😞

I have no idea where to turn or what to do. He’s demanding so much of my time and attention I feel like I’m on the verge of losing my job, I’m the main earner and if my job went we would need to move house etc too.. I’m just so overwhelmed and now that my friends have seen what they have I can’t even speak to them because they think I’m making excuses..

Is there a group that I can go to to help me learn how to calm him? And what type of therapies will help best for him? Every time this happens he is mortified and upset afterward, he’s already on anxiety meds and is attending CBT but nothing is changing..

3 replies

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In response to: Partner with Adult Separation Anxiety

SleepyPandaSenior Contributor11 Mar 2018, 2:44 pm AEDT

Re: Partner with Adult Separation Anxiety

Hi @Sa7265

Welcome to the forum!

Sometimes it takes time for other members to reply to posts from new members because they are on other posts. I suggest you use the search function and find your area of interest and use the @mention function which will send an email to that member stating that you have mentioned them in a post, like the way I have mentioned you in this post.

The forum is a nice place to share your story with other people and also to get support.

I hope you find the forum useful.

Take Care

SleepyPanda

In response to: Partner with Adult Separation Anxiety

Unknown userMember11 Mar 2018, 5:50 pm AEDT

Re: Partner with Adult Separation Anxiety

Hi @Sa7265

Anxiety is a terrible thing and I truly understand the distress of it. But your partner should not be threatening to make a scene "if you don't fix it" and then become aggressive. That is not acceptable and he needs to firstly realise this from you and learn appropriate boundaries for any chance of healing. It is not your responsibility to fix him - that is controlling behaviour.

He does need your support - I needed my husband's when suffering agrophobia and debilitating anxiety for 3 years but it was up to me to help myself. I could not work at all then and could not switch off the anxiety at all anywhere.

Your husband would be the one who would benefit from a support group. You can go with him initially for support but for him to recover successfully he needs to do this himself and learn to cope with his anxiety without you being there the whole time.

In response to: Re: Partner with Adult Separation Anxiety

Unknown userMember19 Mar 2018, 10:42 am AEDT

Re: Partner with Adult Separation Anxiety

Hi @Sa7265

Welcome again to the forums! I just wanted to check-in and see how you are traveling at the moment? Have you found any information on the forums, or elsewhere, on support groups (for either you or himself)? Alternatively, have you found any information on forms of therapy other than CBT that might be helpful for your partner?

Given your partner seems to be experiencing anxiety around attachment to a significant other, I felt it might be worth seeking couple's counselling. This can serve to help your partner learn to manage his own attachment anxiety better, and help you learn how to respond to your partner when he is in this space. I have listed two organisations that provide such services below:

Relationship Australia: Relationships Australia is a leading provider of relationship support services for individuals, families and communities.

1300 364 277

LifeWorks: Relationship, Individual and Family Counselling, Dispute Resolution Services, Relationship & Parenting Education, Intercountry Adoption Support and more.

1300 543 396

As @Former-Member said, your partner does need your support (all partners do!). However, ultimately he cannot rely on you to manage his anxiety, nor can he be aggressive if you are not meeting his needs - plus, it is impossible to completely satisfy our partner's needs anyway! Also remember, while it is great to support him with his own anxiety, it is also just as important for you to look after yourself. Therefore, if you need support for yourself (e.g., a support group, a psychologist, etc.,), please do not hesitate to seek such support.

Hoping this is somewhat helpful, and that your situation is starting to improve.

Kindest Regards,

Amour_Et_Psyché

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