Messy

Hi @lostit

Are you okay?

I'm a bit confused as to what you're referring to. Would you be able to elaborate a abit more?

Hope you're doing okay,

Nik

@NikNik The 'this' I'm referring to is the situation I have found myself in.

Hi @lostit,

It’s good to hear back from you - hope you’re doing okay. If you feel comfortable, you’re welcome to share a bit more about the situation you have found yourself in. Maybe some of our members have been through something similar? Look forward to hearing from you.

All the best,

supernova.

Heya @lostit, what's happening? Stay with us and talk if you want to. The foreum has many threads, and we are weaving it into a magic carpet, I reckon, where we can warp and weft our lives into something solid. Sorry to hear it is all too hard, listeneing if you want to talk. Just hit reply below - if you want to keep this thread going.

Yep. Life is messy in so many different ways.

@lostit I believe the telling of our stories is important and encourage you to keep posting. I dont know where our unique narratives that WARP and WEAVE into the fabric of @MoonGal's magic carpet will take us ... but I need real stories to keep my sense of humaity alive and find a lot here on the forum ...

Real stories are not usually straight.

Truth telling and dreaming : we need both.

It's pretty clear I'm not the kind of person to keep a lid on things. Seeing two processor lids on my way to the shops seemed to remind me of that. Having to walk now that I've lost my license brings an extra layer of the shame that people like to hang on me. I seem to have creayed a vortex for other people to bury their shit in me.Oh well. Thanks @MoonGal @Former-Member @Appleblossom

Gosh it is so hard to sort out the tangle when we are so down on ourselves, and everything that happens confirms what we think that life is sh*t and we are a target. I used to think I had a huge neon flashing sign above my head advertising 'hurt me", nothing i seemed to do helped. Just terrible situation after terrible situation. Then, i started to hang out with a 12 step group (back in the late '80's erly '90's) - for my alcohol addiction and drug use, totally unanware that I was living with a mental illness, but - i got a lot out of those meetings. As long as i played the 12 step game properly I had friends for a while, I was able to get sober and my act together well enough to attract a partner, get into the work force and buy a house. The neon sign got turned off, it can happen, keep hope @lostit - keep looking up, because somewhere there is something that can help.

Looking back I can't help but think I really hit the ground running as soon as I came into this world, or that's definately the impression I get these days.I'm aware of the benefits of programs such the one you're talking about but I can't help myself from wanting to just float up into the atmosphere and escape all the stuff that surrounds me. I know all that stuff works but it just feels like another weight sometimes (Not that I've ever done the 12 steps). I'm a bit anxiuos about the process I'm about to go through when I start doing the D and A counselling because it's so demanding and the question "what's the point?" will inevitably hover rhetorically.This is such a contrast to my usual sense of optimism, especially when I'm sober.

I lost my licence a couple of months ago too. @lostit

I told a few people but am mostly vague about the need to catch public transport and do a lot of walking ... I cant be bothered giving more people something to hang over me. Dont tell them .. I am a greenie and let them ponder excess petrol consumption instead .. of more being ALL MY FAULT SCENARIOS.

Yesterday one of the ladies I told about my loss of licence, who understood a bit of my story, and how both wired and exhausted I am ... came to see my concert. Oddly she is very proper and a policeman's widow ... but because she knows I put in effort and work hard at a lot of things ... she actually gave me a key to help reduce my speeding problem ... which is connected to my disability and the way I try to blend in and dont stand my ground enough with others. Maybe some people think I am not being responsible enough. I didnt want to speed or deliberately do it .. anyhow she actually got it and gave me a few tips because she knew the driving conditions etc... it was just nice ... one of the first decent driving conversations I have had.

So I decided I wouldnt feel guilty about it but embrace the advantages including me doing a little more exercise ...

I had also been a chauffeur for son and an old lady who was very presumptuous about it ... I was actually glad to have an excuse to say "No, sorry I cant drive you". I can face up to my personal responsibilities but it is the deflecting blame games that others play that are a problem.

I bought 2 bottles of lovely red for one person who has been driving me ... he wont drink and drive and will appreciate them. My son can figure out his own car, driving and licence issues. I am not cranky. I am cheerful and quite clear ... I paid fines etc ... whatever.

END of STORY. ... for a while anyway.

What is D and A counselling @lostit? Haven't heard of it.
I wasn't suggesting 12 steps as a potential - in fact I found it in the end to be something I had to walk away from, and now (5.5 years sober again) but i get that i learned how to not drink there. Rather i was putting forward that there are things that work at different times of our lives. I found int he end everything is harder with a hangover (particularly liking myself and keeping home and hearth together) so stopped again.
I used to live with terminal uniqueness, whatever was happening to me was happening only to me, but I have also learned that's not true, everyone struggles and those of us living with an MI struggle hardest. I really hope the new counselling helps @lostit, you sound like you are bouncing between desparate & over it. Hang in there!