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Not long ago I left hospital. I didn’t know if I was ready but how would I ever know if I didn’t try?
Since I’ve been out I’ve been humiliated, misunderstood and am feeling less and less confident and just worthless.
I can’t concentrate, I’m tired too quickly, I’ve been told I’m not attractive anymore, I’ve been told, who would take the risk in employing me, I ask myself why was i born in the first place and what I should do in this world... I’m just back to where I was, but probably with even less confidence.
I contract with myself to stay safe. For now. I don’t think another stay in hospital will help this rotten feeling.
I’m also embarrassed to start talking to my treating team about how I feel again. There is still that stigma about SH and SC thoughts and I feel like people can’t take me serious. I’ve survived for so long, surely I’ll just snap out of it again? I’m just confused when I get strong urges. It’s just too hard to explain.
In response to: Re: Staying safe
Annabelle4Senior Contributor
Re: Staying safe
Hang in there, @Former-Member! Don’t give up. This year, I’m going with the mantra “I’m not going to be a victim anymore”. Don’t be ashamed to tell your treatment you need help. Don’t let all those fickle fatheads win! They are the losers if they choose to desert you. Don’t be one of them and give up on yourself.
I’ve made it through the weekend. Seeing the doc tomorrow. I still feel stupid to see him. I know I shouldn’t think that way, but I’m like, am I just crying out for attention? Why don’t I just get it over and done with? I will keep safe until I see my doc, promise, but I just feel so pathetic. That’s all that ever sticks with me about SH and SC, that it’s attention seeking. I want attention, yes, I want this pain to be over, I want to live into my day not worrying about what will happen, will I have the energy... I don’t want to sit somewhere and get triggered.
I’ve been told it’s a long journey. They’re right and I can’t see the end. When I grew up there was this mountain that my friend and me always tried to climb (probably more like a hill, but we were little). We always tried to short cut the path, we were not kids to stick to the path, and we always gloriously failed as the short cuts were slippery mud faces. I’m trying to climb that hill again, but this time there is no childhood friend and no giggles and stern talking from the adults about the mess we used to make. I’m alone in the mud, it’s dark and raining and there are scary noises all around me. That’s where I am when I’m alone and people can’t get through to me. I don’t want to hurt the people that love me but when I’m alone in the mud and I can’t hear them, I don’t want to struggle anymore.
Does that make sense?
In response to: Re: Staying safe
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Staying safe
So glad that you have pledged to stay safe. @Former-Member and I love your scene about climbing the hill as children.
It is great that you are still here despite difficult thoughts. I t means that it has been abattle rather than straight attention seeking. Needing and asking for help is different but then we do need to some of the homework.
Go gently with yourself you are just out of hospital and need to recuperate and put it behind you.
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