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I love my mother, I hate my mother

AtrayusContributor09 Mar 2018, 1:52 am AEDT

I love my mother, I hate my mother

I have spent some time reading through other members posts and all of a sudden I don’t feel so isolated.

I guess my main reason for my post is to share my experience and unload the heavy burden I hold.

Growing up I always knew there was something wrong with my mother. Based on research I’ve done myself I believe she suffers with severe OCD, anxiety, depression and some sort of personality disorder. Being her only daughter I had a lot of responsibilities placed on me at an early age. Some of the things my mother made me do are:

Standing by her bedroom until she got dressed
Being next to her and hurrying her along
Listening to her problems
Staying home with her out of guilt
Cut friendships with people she didn’t like
Doing her shopping
Driving her to appointments and work

It’s hard to explain my mother, she has a routine for everything from counting how many steps she takes, taking the same path, clicking, mouth noises, chanting and delusions or paranoia. She can immediately switch from nice to hysterical it’s impossible to keep up. There are also language and cultural barriers. She also blames her illness on my father who once upon a time did used to abuse her.

It was tormenting growing up for me and my brother. My mother would deliberately start a fight with my father until he’d snap and hit her. Me and my brother developed anxiety and depression ourselves and get triggered by our mothers behavior.

We have had numerous screaming matches as she only believes what’s in her head and not what’s happening in reality. She refuses to get any sort of treatment and says her only treatment is if she has someone around her.

Once I moved out and got married it became a lot better for me, although now she makes me feel guilty saying that she’s all alone and has no one and that one day I’ll find her dead in the house. She’s even asked to move in. I feel I need to stand my ground but then again I can’t help but feel sorry for her.

She ends friendships quickly, she is picky about what she does for work, she refuses to go out, falls asleep in the car on the driveway and rarely eats. It takes her 2 hours to get ready in the morning due to her OCD and cannot hold a job as she is constantly late.

We have been at our wits end for many years and tried to have her admitted. It’s so hard to love someone who causes so much pain.

9 replies

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In response to: I love my mother, I hate my mother

Shaz51Senior Contributor09 Mar 2018, 3:16 pm AEDT

Re: I love my mother, I hate my mother

Hello @Atrayus and welcome to the forum

thank you for sharing your experiences and unloading the heavy burden you hold.

letting you know that you are not alone my friend

@Susana who is caring for her mum who has OCD , and i will tag you there if you like too

In response to: I love my mother, I hate my mother

SusanaSenior Contributor09 Mar 2018, 4:00 pm AEDT

Re: I love my mother, I hate my mother

Hi @Atrayus,

Thank you for sharing your experience with your mum! Your mum and mine share many similarities with regards to the expectations of their daughter (I am the only daughter too, though I have 3 older brothers). Living with mum who has such high levels of dependency, anxiety as wells as depression layered on top of cultural background makes it extremely hard to know how to love her at times.

It's good that you have set some boundaries for yourself as I am learning to do the same.

Recently, it got too much for me to manage mum's constant needs as well as take care of my own family (mum had been living with us for over 12 months since dad passed away). On top of her emotional needs, she also has substantial physical needs too, being 84.

After some struggle, we finally were able to get her the focussed care she is now having in a private hospital as a voluntary patient receiving care from a mental health team. Having the nurses manage her medication is great burden lifted off my back! Antidepressants take a while to kick in and there's the side effects which deters mum gone being compliant and cooperative.

It's not easy if your mum refuses to think that she needs professional help for her amxiety issues. But hopefully, she will come to a point where she will realise that she can benefit from professional help.

I find being able to hear from others with similar experiences as carers of people with mental illness is really helpful.

Welcome to the forum!

In response to: I love my mother, I hate my mother

AtrayusContributor10 Mar 2018, 5:17 am AEDT

Re: I love my mother, I hate my mother

Hi @Susana thank you for your comment. Your post was one of the first that stood out to me as quite similar as well. I cant explain how it feels to know there are others going through the same

In response to: I love my mother, I hate my mother

AtrayusContributor10 Mar 2018, 5:19 am AEDT

Re: I love my mother, I hate my mother

Hi @Shaz51

Thank you for your kind words, finding this forum has been a blessing

In response to: I love my mother, I hate my mother

merriContributor28 Mar 2018, 2:14 pm AEDT

Re: I love my mother, I hate my mother

@Atrayusthat sounds really hard. Having to accomodate and meet your mother's needs sounds wearing. As others have said you are not alone here.

In response to: Re: I love my mother, I hate my mother

Shaz51Senior Contributor28 Mar 2018, 3:58 pm AEDT

Re: I love my mother, I hate my mother

Hello @Atrayus, how are you today , thinking of you lots and sending you hugs

In response to: I love my mother, I hate my mother

AtrayusContributor28 Mar 2018, 4:18 pm AEDT

Re: I love my mother, I hate my mother

Hi @Shaz51

Thank you for your message. Unfortunately things became worse last weekend as I received a call from the police to say that my mother had been in her car at the locacal shopping center for 5 hours talking to herself. When I went to her she refused to go back home and threatened to sleep in her car. She’s now living in my granny flat until my father comes home in 2 weeks. She’s still refusing counseling and it’s putting a strain on the relationship with my husband and I. My father will take her to romania for a 2 month break in the hope our family overseas can convince her to get treatment.
Just hanging in there ❤️

In response to: I love my mother, I hate my mother

AtrayusContributor28 Mar 2018, 4:19 pm AEDT

Re: I love my mother, I hate my mother

Thank you @merri

In response to: Re: I love my mother, I hate my mother

Shaz51Senior Contributor28 Mar 2018, 5:01 pm AEDT

Re: I love my mother, I hate my mother

ohhh sending you tender hugs my friend @Atrayus

thinking of you and your husband at this time

when the time when I need to look after my mum more is going to be hard because my husband has MI and he has stated already that we are not having my mum with us

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