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I can't fake it long enough (outwardly being happy)

Overit79New Contributor05 Mar 2018, 9:06 am AEDT

I can't fake it long enough (outwardly being happy)

I can't hold down a job. I'm turning 39 this year and have always had the one profession (though never at a business for longer than a year). Same story repeating itself. I present well in the interview - educated, witty, experienced and confident. On the inside, I'm hurting... i
In a position that requires little interaction I last longer as I'm good at what I do. But the sadness creeps back and in time I'll start taking the occasional day off here or there. Then the guilt creeps in and my work relationships suffer.
Why work full time?...you say.
Have you ever tried living alone on parttime pay?...I answer.
Why not share with another person and cut costs?...you say
Because I piss everyone off after a period of time, I need to be alone...I say
It's not that I don't care about people. I just prefer to be alone. I like to be quiet. I don't find the social conversations stimulating. I am so completely bored with what everyone has to say (including myself) that I am not functioning normally as a human being anymore. I've actually always felt like that. Once the excitement of something new is over, I completely detach from everything and everyone.
Yes I've been to Drs and Psychs and had stays in Mental Health Units. All medications under the sun. Nothing is working and the daily desire to end it is increasing again.
My favourite fantasy currently is everyone in the world being given the option to stay or go. The people who wanted to go, could visit a doctor and that would be it. I wonder how many people would take the option. I reckon a lot. I haven't wanted to be here for 20 years and I'm tired so very very tired of all this...

2 replies

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In response to: I can't fake it long enough (outwardly being happy)

Unknown userMember05 Mar 2018, 8:24 pm AEDT

Re: I can't fake it long enough (outwardly being happy)

Hi @Overit79,

Welcome to the forums. There is a lot in this post. Mainly I am hearing how exhausting it is for you, to have struggled with your mental health for so long, without anything seeming to help. This isnt something that you should have to deal with alone.

I hope you will find solidarity and care here from other members. Im also going to send you a check in email, as it worries me that you are fantaszing about not having to be here anymore.

In response to: I can't fake it long enough (outwardly being happy)

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor05 Mar 2018, 8:31 pm AEDT

Re: I can't fake it long enough (outwardly being happy)

Hi @Overit79,

Welcome to Forum Land.

I too super struggle with human relationships and I can very much relate to what you are describing. Sadly, after a couple of workplace incidents, I am now on the disability pension and my chances of getting back into employment look very slim. I'm 40.

I super hate how in the world of work, being a good "organisational fit" and getting along with the people you work with seems to be valued more than actually being able to do the job!

You mentioned that you've very much done the rounds of doctors, psychologists etc. Me too!!! Things fell into place for me a bit more a few years ago when I figured out that I had aspergers syndrome. Of course, figuring this out didn't actually fix anything, but it did explain a lot of the difficulties that I have and for me that was super helpful. It helped me to learn to feel more ok about being me.

Are you working at the moment? What sorts of things are you interested in outside of work? Whatever you are interested in, there's a good chance someone else here in Forum Land will be interested in it too. Here are some good threads to visit to start getting to know people in Forum Land introduce yourself here good morning anyone feel like chatting.

Also, if you want someone to see that you have responded to them, you need to add the @ symbol in front of their name (without a space). I look forward to seeing you around Forum Land @Overit79.

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