Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Even on good days I think of dying

JayyjayCasual Contributor01 Mar 2018, 2:20 am AEDT

Even on good days I think of dying

I’m not the best at explaining things so it might get a bit messy. I have had depression all of my life, started self harming at 7 years old but I was formally diagnosed with depression at 15. I have been on and off medication ever since. I recently had a really bad time and I wasn’t sure that I would make it through. I went to the drs and was put on new medication. In a way it has helped. It has made me calmer in regards to my anger and irritability and for that alone I will be forever grateful. The only problems are the thoughts I am having that I didn’t speak to the dr about. He is a new dr to me and I’m still too scared to tell him about the thoughts and self harm. I still don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. Every morning I wake up I feel the deepest hatred for the day that is beginning. There are no words strong enough to describe my hate of waking up each day. I don’t like seeing anyone at the moment because of my anxiety but also because I feel I would have to lie as the truth is just way too heavy. I’ve been ridiculed by family and health professionals in the past for expressing my feelings and now I feel gagged. If I say something I’m ridiculed and accused of being manipulative and attention seeking and when I don’t say anything I’m also being manipulative. It’s just so confusing. I don’t want attention because attention won’t fix the way I feel. I want to change the way I feel and I want my thoughts to change because they are scaring me with their intensity.
I’m sorry, I know this is probably all a meaningless jumble but if anyone does happen to read it and have any ideas that’s great. If not, I got it off my chest.

6 replies

1 - 6 of 6

In response to: Even on good days I think of dying

Unknown userMember01 Mar 2018, 3:39 pm AEDT

Re: Even on good days I think of dying

Hello @Jayyjay welcome to the SANE forum 🙂 It's a pretty cool place around here. Lots of great members with large amounts of empathy, concern, compassion and support with no judgment. I hope you can tap into some of that too 🙂

There's an interesting discussion happening around self harm which you might be interested in looking at or talking with members about. You can use the search bar to find relevant topics. Please note that if you see 'trigger warning' that is a quick flag that the coversation could be of a sensitive and potentailly triggering content. If you'd like a memeber to be notified that you are chatting with them please use the @ symbol and then either click on or type the members name.

Also one on mental health and exercise and then there are more social spaces such as Introduce yourself here and Anyone feel like chatting.

Please feel welcome to ask any questions if you have anything pop up.

Kindest,

Pebbles 🙂

In response to: Even on good days I think of dying

DeterminedSenior Contributor01 Mar 2018, 5:30 pm AEDT

Re: Even on good days I think of dying

Hi @Jayyjay and welcome to the forum

Unfortunately I dont have any answers to your problem but I just wanted you to know you have been heard and that I am happy to listen. It is always better to express your emotion rather than bottlemit up.

In response to: Even on good days I think of dying

frogSenior Contributor01 Mar 2018, 6:00 pm AEDT

Re: Even on good days I think of dying

Hello @Jayyjay I'm sorry to hear that family and health professionals have ridiculed you; that's just awful. It's really hard to open up even without that sort of response. I have had mixed experiences with both family and health professionals but at the moment am really fortunate to have good medical support. If you can bring yourself to tell the gp what you're going through, which sounds truly terrible, you may be able to get a referral on to a psychologist and/or psychiatirst. I have found it easier to talk to them than gps because it's just what they do; nothing shocks or suprises them (good ones anyway). There is a program for people who need it to get 10 medicare funded sessions per year with a psychologist. Have you heard about that?

I'm glad you made your way to the forum. It's been good for me because people here just get it, and don't express shock, horror when you let them in on how bad things are for you. There's so much empathy and understanding and, to my initial surprise, humour. Hope you find it helpful too.

In response to: Re: Even on good days I think of dying

QueenieSenior Contributor01 Mar 2018, 6:18 pm AEDT

Re: Even on good days I think of dying

Welcome to the forums @Jayyjay.

I too have lived with mental health issues since adolesence/young adulthood. I differ from you in that I am often 'plagued' by hearing voices telling me to harm myself. So even on my good days, my mind is on self-destruct mode it seems. At first I did not admit to this phenomena and when I finally did I too was ridiculed and labelled as an attention seeker. Do not let that get you down. I struggled for many years until I found a psychiatrist who was unbiased and actually listened to me. Now I am being taken seriously for the first time in my life.

People on the forum do understand and listen non-judgmentally. I'm glad you've found us!

In response to: Even on good days I think of dying

JayyjayCasual Contributor01 Mar 2018, 7:47 pm AEDT

Re: Even on good days I think of dying

Thank you @Former-Member, I wasn’t sure where to start, I’m still trying to navigate the site, I hope I didn’t post in the wrong spot or say the wrong thing?
@Determined, thank you for hearing what I have to say, feeling heard has been a very rare occurrence throughout my life so I appreciate you taking the time to let me know that you heard me.
@frog I am still working up the courage to talk to the gp about it, is distressing me mentally and causing me physical pain so hopefully I can get to that place soon. He is understanding and supportive but I’m still fighting the fear of anyone finding out what is going on. The ridicule I have received over my life has traumatised me and out of everyone I know there are only 2 people I trust at all. I have a private psychiatrist but it is just so expensive that I can only go once a year. He is also very good though. Going public isn’t an option for me after my experiences unfortunately. I will speak to the dr about the 10 sessions though, thank you.
@Queenie, I can really relate to a lot of what you just said even though I don’t hear any voices. I know what you mean about even on your good days your mind is on self destruct mode, that is also how I feel. I am so glad that you have found the support of an unbiased psychiatrist and that you are being taken seriously, everybody deserves that and I’m sorry it took you so long to find that!

In response to: Re: Even on good days I think of dying

Unknown userMember02 Mar 2018, 11:06 am AEDT

Re: Even on good days I think of dying

@Jayyjay you are most welcome 🙂 I appreciate that experience of not being sure where to go or what to do (I felt that way too ;), you're doing great 🙂 If one of your posts are a breach you will be emailed with details on what the breach is and how to go about changing it 🙂 Just in case you haven't see the community guidelines or information on how to get started yet you can find them here 🙂

It's great to hear you have a psychologist who you trust, please do talk to your GP about a mental health care plan as @frog mentioned 🙂 you can attend up to 10 sessions per year at a reduce fee which will hopefully allow you to attend more regularly. Also speaking with your psychologist about fees is an option too, some people are able to reduce their fees and some not but no harm in exploring options with him.

I really enjoy reading people's individual experiences, thank you for sharing part of your experience @Queenie. That shines hope in my eyes. Treatment is very benefical, especially when you find the right professionals for you 🙂

1 - 6 of 6