Feeling Hopeless

hi @girl98

KobeCat here, the overnight moderator.

A very warm welcome to Sane. I hope you find our community a safe supportive space to explore issues that may be troubling or to seek advice about what's happening in your life right now.

Looking forward to hearing your story/insights

Regards,

Kobe

Hi @Former-Member , how so?? If you are okay with sharing of course

Sorry for the repetition (typo) in the first text! Don't know what happened haha

Things are still the same... I really have no idea what he is thinking and what he is up to, but I should live my life without depending on him for my OWN happiness.

I just hate it so much. I am starting lamotrigine for my mood swings too, so I really hope that helps. University is starting next week, he also goes to the same one but I don't even know if I'll see him. It's been more than a week since we've seen each other and he hasn't asked to see me again. We saw each other on Valentine's Day and ofc we got intimate. I sometimes do think that is all I have to offer but I didn't make him 'feel satisfaction' because his friends were calling him and I just felt it was a bit disrespectful how he said we were going to meet them after. We were being intimate. Not really my ideal scenario to meet his friends for the first time. He did notice I withdrew and asked me if everything was fine, him thinking my reaction was because one of his friends was female, with for now I have no problems with, but that was not the case why I was mad. So I kind of stopped what I was doing to him and left it at that, he did start to cuddle me after saying sorry and that he'll put his phone in airplane mode, but the damage had been done. I had driven this time to see him, so on the way home I just sobbed until I could no more, every bad thing ever came to mind, and also what my ex said to me, that I was just good for one thing, and I didn't even get to finish him. Hence why he maybe hasn't reached out again... We are still talking every day, I do believe guys sometimes use me for emotional labour too. Just someone to support them I guess, which I still do with him.

I sound soooooo paranoid and irrational when I talk to my friends about what I fear, and especially because how university is starting, and it is the last year of my bachelor, I just want to kind of stop whatever I have going on with this guy because let's be honest... it'll either be a happily ever after or it'll ruin me like it never has before, and I honestly don't have the luxury at the moment to risk it.

I'll give it one week I guess, or see how the medication is working after a while. Only thing that keeps me from becoming too invested with one guy is to date quite a few at the same time, but I really don't have the energy, nor do I really want to at the moment, but it seems like an option until (if I'm ever) exclusive with the guy I'm seeing right now... we'll see I guess!

So, yesterday things were not so great either. I just could not stop crying and the only thing I could think of doing is drinking/going out as it takes my mind off things. If we're going to be honest, the only reason why I'm probably not an alcoholic at the moment is because my mum has physically had to stop me from buying. I have a very addictive personality. Anyways, so I did end up going to the city and then just wandered off on my own, this guy offered me to buy a drink but then asked me to dance but I was not really feeling it so I refused and stayed at the bar. Within a 15 minute span 2 guys came up to me, then again, I seemed like a really easy target. Small, alone, very vulnerable and most likely to go home with you. The attention did make me realise who I was once again, and the things I am capable of... but having the attention of guys isn't anything when that's the ONLY thing they want. For a while, it felt like when I did sleep with guys after me and my last fp broke up, it was like I found a home wherever I would lay my head. They became the only thing that kept me sane to an extent, without them I felt like nothing. They made me feel like everything was alright and I was worthy and it was all good, even if it was only for a few hours. And in all honesty, I did not mind, because I knew that was that and that's it.

So after the bar my fp did pick me up, and yes, we were intimate, I was the one who initiated it though. So of course when I was with him there was nothing wrong in the world and everything was rainbows and love (whatever that is). He did know I was drunk and was being mildly sexual while chatting with me prior to picking me up. Did he just pick me up because he knew he was going to get some? I don't know, sometimes it feels like I don't care but then all the anxiety and fears come crippling in and I feel like I want to die.

I feel like a monster sometimes, who would EVER love someone like me???