catching up

I know my angel, i have you, i should stop being so selfish, you are special to me, you really are, i just see people happy, and i know i am never going to have that, it is so, oh i don't know, i htink i am in self pitty mode, don't worry about it, i will get over it.

i am glad you have got the SANE forume working properly, my computer sometimes do the same. just a bug in the system, as a rule i try to reboot my computers, phones and tablets once every week. this keeps them clear of problems, for the most part.

I don't know about tomorrow, i am numb, i am desperatly trying not to focus on it, i am so scared of seeing people i know their.

Thank you Karen, i do hope one day you can smile and laugh, i am sure you look beautiful with a smile on your face 🙂

it must be so hard to explain to them how tough things are for you. Maybe in time they will understand. i hope you hug them and tell them how much you love them, it is so important, i never had that when i was a child, maybe that is why i am so emotionally detached from people.

Sounds like your two little ones are hyped up tonight, maybe ease up on the red cordial 😄 do the girls have some toys to play with? just enjoy the time with them Karen, these are the special times, these are the times you and the girls will remember.

Yes Karen, you are right, i am starting to slid further down, i think tonight is going to be tough, i am thinking too much.

It is not silly Karen, you are right accept and set it free, allow the emotion to be, it has value, i just don't like too much of it.

Is it worth writing about your actual thoughts and feelings about the event/ @Jacques Not sure .. but if you want to we can respond ... even if they are silly thoughts

like me buying soft squishy bottles of tomato sauce to squirt family I was upset with at mum's funeral ...

instead of going really pathological ... I can laugh at myself about it.

Thank you @Appleblossom, i don't know, seeing families, people are happy, they where all socialising with each other in the street, seeing couples walking around looking at the Christmas lights, hand in hand, happy, enjoying the moment with each other, i have no one to share any experiances with, no one i can speak to and discuss the day, or just enjoy the company.

Why can't i be normal, i just wish things would have been different, i wish i could be like others, i am 33, i sleep all day, i have no happyness, no joy, i thought money could fill the void, i have plenty now, i am not happy, maybe it is just a fantasy, maybe even company friends, family would not be enough, i see so many people hwo have it all and are miserable.

I know the chemicals in my brain make me so sad, but it is not fair, i know i will be sad and angry, i will be a sad angry old man if i make it that long, oh i wish i had followed through with my plans when i was 17. i could have saved all this emotion.