My special place

Well didn't I speak too soon. Too good to be true. Nothing is ever that easy.

Took mum for an eye specialist appointment today to check on her eyes after cataract surgery.

So was told she really doesn't want to go into the nursing home but hasn't got a choice.

She is not welcome at our house anymore.

There will be no one there her age so no one to talk to.

She would rather a different nursing home but can't afford it.

If I am going to look after her full time then I shouldn't be going away. She could have di3d and no one would have know or cared (even though D checked in on her everyday and took her out when she needed too).

That no one cares for her.

That H doesn't talk to her anymore and doesn't care.

That I tell H everything (well of course I do).

If she wants to give her car away to my brother (a $15,000 car) she can (even though she complains all the time about not having any money).

That I would just leave her in the nursing home.

That if she couldn't afford the home, I wouldn't even bother in helping her pay for it (doesn't matter she has lived rent free with us for over 20 years)

So after taking her to the specialist, kmart, big w and chemist we get home and her reply was "I'll just go back downstairs where I belong"

So after listening to all of this she tells me I don't help her enough.

I'm sorry, but is it bad to say I don't like her. Of course I love her, she is my mother, but I don't like the person she is.

I'm not expecting a reply. I just needed to vent somewhere and H is at work. Prn haven't helped, I can't calm down.

I think it's completely understandable to say that while you love your mum, you don't like her @Snowie

It's so clear through your actions that you love her, why else would anyone continue to show so much care. Saying that you don't like her doesn't erase that love, you can hold both of those truths at once

Absolutely you can love your mum hon @Snowie but not like the things she does and says/ person she is. Sometimes I don’t like my mum, the things she does and says, they really bug me. But I absolutely still love her.

your all going through such huge decisions and changes and that is not easy on any of you. I bet she is extremely scared, I know I would be scared about moving into a care facility. There are so many changes and unknown factors. And it would be completely normal for your mum to be lashing out…. And unfortunately you are the closest and in her firing range.
I know it would be hard to not take things personally, but please be gentle with yourself.

💕

Sending lots of love @Snowie I think you should start booking your next trip away.

💜💜💜💜

Thanks @Eve7 @Bow @Ru-bee

I know how difficult it is for her. Going into a nursing home is such a big step. Having this disease is so heartbreaking, especially knowing what is coming.

I realise that it is me in the firing line. It is always me. She has no one else to vent to. Tomorrow she will apologise and say she shouldn't have said it. I'm just meant to say thats fine and forget about how useless I am, how much of a bad job I'm doing, how much I don't care about her. Doesn't matter how her words effect me.

Of course she needs to say sorry, I have to take her to the gp tomorrow morning.

Maybe she needs to go live with her son and then see how much someone doesn't care.

We will be going away next mid year for the snow here. That won't go down well.

Went out this afternoon with H. That didn't go down well either.

I'm sorry for rambling. I'm just over it. Still not sleeping much.

I know it's hard for her. Have told her multiple times we are not going to kick her out. That it is totally her decision. Still get blamed for it however.

We have to get her assessed first @outlander to get something called a service referral code, even to be able to start looking at a place. Then once assessed have to go through all the financial stuff.

The place she wants to go to actually has beds free so hoping she doesn't have to wait too long.

She is on the wait list for an assessment so hoping in the next month @outlander

They just take a percentage of her pension (I think 85%). She has no savings or assets so pretty easy to work out.

We have a few supports in place already, but of course they still cost her money. Already on Level 1 for her aged care package. Trying to up it to Level 2 but of course there is a wait list. Have been told it can be up to a 9-12 month wait too.