Caring for an elderly, dying parent...

I got a few text messages from my Sis- my Dad is still with us - just very, very weak and he may not be able to get out of bed today.

It's hard to tell how my Sis is feeling via text massages, but she may well be regretting her decision to bring my Dad home, I don't know. No point in speculating, is there?

Wow, this whole situation has brought up a lot of conflicting emotions in me! I realize that I am a very angry person inside. I'm not sure what to do.

I am angry at my Bro for not being there for my Dad, before this time. I know he is there now, but he is not doing a lot.... my Sis is doing it all and looking after my Bro as well. Still, I guess that is not my concern. I can't help that she has decided to wait hand and foot on my Bro, and not ask him to pull his own weight, in caring for my Dad. That is her trouble, not mine. I have warned her.

I'll just bet that she is afraid of him, too.

Bro even went out to a concert, the night before last.

I am angry at my Sis for not being around when my Mum was dying. She was always working and wouldn't take any time away. I was the one who was there as a support for my Dad during that time. She was oblivious to everything.... all she could do was hide behind her computer screen. Just working non-stop.

I am angry at my Bro for always saying "There is nothing wrong with Dad. He has a cold, that's all." When he actually had cancer. I wanted Dad to go to the doctor, but my Bro said "He doesn't need a doctor" and refused to take Dad or to encourage Dad to go in. Then a month later, I saw Dad and saw what shocking condition he was in.... I could not believe my Sis and my Bro had been living in the same town all that time, but not even noticed that Dad was so sick.

But then my Sis probably barely took her eyes off her computer screen, so why would she notice?

My Bro has no idea about anything, either. He just lives in complete denial.

He wants to go away for the weekend this coming Friday and wants me to be there to look after Dad. But I never agreed to bring Dad home form hospital.... I never agreed to nurse him at home. I didn't believe it was safe. I don't see why my Bro shouldn't just cancel his trip, as he was the one who wanted to bring Dad home.

I am angry at my Dad too. I guess because he never saved me from my Mum, who was a tyrant. He always enabled her to go on being nasty and aggressive. He just took off and did his own thing and had a good time.I was the one left to try and placate my Mum. Mission impossible!

You can see that I am angry this morning!

Your Dad sounds very weak and frail, @TAB. He sounds like my Dad, who is also on oxygen.

I just spoke to my Sis on the phone. Unfortunately, I had to speak to my Bro first, as he answered the land-line. He didn't get a lot of sleep last night - Geez, really? No kidding, Bro? Looking after a dying person is not a walk in the park, is it? Of course you will not get any sleep! What did you think? Like seriously?

I know I sound bitchy; sorry.

My Dad is kind of Ok... it's hard to tell. It sounds like he is going to attempt to get out of bed now. I hope it goes ok. I hope he doesn't fall over and hurt himself.

I guess I am thinking of going back there in the morning, to try and help out. It will be very trying, as my Sis is having a bit of a nervy attack and my Bro is just a not an ideal person to have to work with.

Hi @Sahara and @TAB

Sounds like you are both having similar struggles. Sorry to read you are going through same @TAB.

My best friend and her husband visited us here on Friday late afternoon - they really needed to see us for a lift and the laughs we always have to lift the tension. I am pleased I can help in this small way - my best friend won't let me do anything else but I can see how draining and hard it is for her and her sick husband. It's so hard..

My friend has been offered a new trial chemotherapy drugs for his stage 4 for cancer - if his type of cancers meets the criteria they will treat him with this new drug for free. Apparently it has less side effects and some good results so far. Praying hard this will work out for them. At least the last couple of days his pain has lifted - so happy about this!!

I hope things will go a bit easier on you @Sahara when you return to your Dads. All we can do is our best my friend. Please get some much needed rest as you are right - nursing a dying person is emotionally and physically draining. But the main thing in the end is that there are no regrets. Sending you a warm hug 🤗 ❤️

Moral support goes a long way @TAB. I like your honesty, that goes a long way too x

I feel for anyone in his situation too @TAB - life is hard enough let alone to endure it in constant pain and a body that is failing. This can make some very cranky and difficult to be around.....I try to suffer in silence when in pain.

Your dad may not express this, but ultimately he would be proud of you for your empathy - that's what makes a person truely successful as a human being. The rest does not really matter. x

Hi @TAB, thanks for contributing. I understand about not having feelings for your father. You know what? You don't have to have feelings for him... it's Ok not to like him all that much. He was a tyrant and you were probably afraid of him as a kid? Sorry, I don't want to put words into your mouth, here.

I was always afraid of my Mum. She was the tyrant in our household.... but I did love her as well.

Love and fear run hand in hand, in our weird family!

Whatever you feel now is fine @TAB. It's ok to have mixed feelings, too.

@Former-Member, I am sorry to hear about your best friend's husband. I hope the new drug works for him. It must have been good to see your friend, anyway.

I just rang my 'best friend' to talk to, but she wasn't there. I don't mind. It probably wouldn't make that much difference talking to her anyway. I really do have to try and let go of a bit of anger before I go back to my Dad's bedside, one way or another.

I am so fortunate that my Dad's neighbour has let me stay in her house tomorrow night, as my Sis and Bro are at my Dad's place and there is no room left at the inn, so to speak.

I have mixed feelings about my Dad, too. I would love to say he was a great Dad. In fact, he was mainly an absent Dad. He worked all the time and then just went fishing and camping when he had some free time. My Mum hated that he was never around much. He did love us, but other than providing for us all financially, I don't know if he were really all that much of a role-model or anything. Still, I guess he was a whole lot better than most.

The last 2 years, he has just been very unhappy and it has been difficult to be around him. I tried to help him any way I could. but I don't think all the stuff I did made much difference. He was still always unhappy and dreary and a big drain.

Oh, well, chin up, and all that. It can't get much worse.