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Shutting everyone out including myself

Unknown userMember19 Nov 2015, 5:15 pm AEDT

Shutting everyone out including myself

In the last two months I've been diagnosed with Bipolar and have started seeing a psychiatrist weekly. I'm yet to start up on medication.

I've always tended to be the type of person when things get hard I shut down a bit and turn into a hermit. But lately it's gone to a whole new level. I haven't spoken more then a few words/grunts to my husband the last week and other close family members. I just look at them and feel angry or tiered with no energy and sometimes I just think they are better off with out talking to me because I'm rubbish and don't want them to love me anymore because I'm not worthy of love.

I've also been locking my self in my bedroom in blackness for days at a time because I don't feel safe outside my room and don't sleep and turn to self harming, But then the next day I've been getting fully out of my comfort zone and making new friends and trying out new things that are fully not me because I hate me and I want to be fun and amazing and the person everyone wants to be. But I make sure I hard core self medicate for that incase it turns bad I'm already in a calm state and hopefully won't crash to hard. But I also have items on me to self harm incase I get to excited and need to bring my emotions back to normal.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is this at all normal with the fact I'm delving into some hard issues with my psychiatrist that are making me feel less human and screwed up. Or am I just a heartless selfish person?

19 replies

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In response to: Shutting everyone out including myself

MazaritaSenior Contributor21 Nov 2015, 5:35 pm AEDT

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

@Former-Member I understand what you mean by loud people. I get uncomfortable with that too, worse when I'm feeling very vulnerable or in a low state. Sounds like this idea of you and your husband moving has just come up recently. Does it need to be decided now? Might be better to just forget about it for a while and come back to it later when you are feeling better.

In response to: Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

JoseJonesSenior Contributor21 Nov 2015, 8:24 pm AEDT

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

Hi @Former-Member

I’m really sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you at the moment. It sounds like you’ve experienced an incredibly testing time since receiving your diagnosis. And the prospect of working coming up soon must be daunting for you given what you have been going through.

It’s also not easy for a person to come into an environment like this and seek help, and you’ve shown a lot of courage to do so. I hope you have found some benefit from being in this environment and gained something from the support that’s available from our users.

Sometimes when people use the phrases such as “I'm really thinking everyone is better of with out me” as you have said in your post, they are having suicidal thoughts. These types of thoughts can be really scary and overwhelming – but they are thoughts that do not need to be acted upon. However, it’s really important that you speak to someone about how you feeling.

I’m happy to see you’re engaged with a psychiatrist. There are also some other really helpful services. Unfortunately we are not a crisis service, but some places you can call now for support are;

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

I’m sorry if I’ve read too much into your post. I just wanted to make sure you knew about some of the other help that’s out there.

In response to: Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

JoseJonesSenior Contributor21 Nov 2015, 8:32 pm AEDT

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

Reading back over old threads, I wonder if @Drewbola , @Tight-Control and @Pixie may have some insight into what it's like to live with this sort of thing?

In response to: Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

AppleblossomSenior Contributor21 Nov 2015, 11:29 pm AEDT

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

@Former-Member

I hate being overwhelmed by big loud people too. I guess you need to let the dust settle.

If a lot of them are together, telling you what to do and you dont feel they are genuine .. then it must be an extreme situation for you ... sometimes we do need our own space and I need fair amount of "me" time just to function ... yet we, on the forum are concerned and interested.... we all share similarm though not totally the same experiences ... and are prepared to reach out and listen ... oddly the online community gives a form of privacy and space that has helped me.

At the early stage of diagnosis a lot can be done to help stabilise the extreme feelings and experiences ...

your positive energy about your work is great

... and your drive to honesty is great ...

Let us know how you are doing.

In response to: Shutting everyone out including myself

Unknown userMember26 Nov 2015, 12:41 am AEDT

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

I've finally started talking to people early this week. I still have hours of sitting in silence and hiding in my room. Im not sleeping though which is doing my head in. Im on one of my highs at the moment but I feel dead inside. I find it so strange I can be full of energy and feel like I can do anything, I walk around with confidence and I'm the queen attitude but the moment I stop and breath I just feel empty inside.

@Mazarita the decision does not at all need to be made now. But it's just something i know my husband would like to take place. But he's an amazing guy and will do anything to make me happy so he won't push the issue.

@Appleblossom Yes loud over pushy people do my head in! I'm a very much don't tell me what to do kind of person. I don't like people trying to show me love or giving me advice unless I ask for it. I'm the type of person that runs everything through my head a billion times till I come up with a decision.

I got another session later this week. I've decided if I don't come out feeling one bit better in going to stop going. I may not be living and just exisiting at the moment but it's better then having to go through the past.

In response to: Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

Tight-ControlSenior Contributor30 Nov 2015, 6:42 pm AEDT

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

@Former-Member,

Hi Ive been off in the real world for a while .

Yes i have been on the low side of Bi-Pola.

I know how it feels to curl up with your blankets and the joy when the blankets accept you as one of their own.

The initail getting medications right was hard Yakka for me . Mainly because i would take more or less depending on how i felt and not what the Doc recommended and not TALK to anyone about that or how i felt.

If i could do it agian i would let the doc run the show but give him a bucket load of feedback on how i felt , what worked what didnt. it would have made the years of getting meds right a lot quicker and easier.

Use the doctors and services , you dont let them run the show but do listen to what they say and suggest, chat to them relentlessly , annoy them so much they have to help you on a road to recovery just to shut you up.

Learn to laugh at yourself, it is hard but easier to live with when you grin at your illness .

When im a bit unwell now I say to my wife . I'm going into the shed to build a machine to save the world. or Im going to bed to make a blanket fort see you in 3 days.

All the best and remeber you are not alone ..I mean that in a non creepy way.

"-)

In response to: Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

Tight-ControlSenior Contributor30 Nov 2015, 6:57 pm AEDT

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

OHH I forgot to add,

The medications allowed me space and time to properly investigate alternatives .

I have been medication free for just on 16 months now.

This is not something I would recommed at the early stage .

Think of the illness like a broken leg . When you break it "give me drugs please to stop the pain"

Ok now thats stopped" give me a cast " ( code for psycs, councellors).

Ok now get me a Occupational therapist for rehab ( code for working with your mental health folks and having them do the leg work on alternate assistance like exsecise ..Groan but yes .. Mindfullness and mediataions , diets whatever is out there )

Ok now to go for a jog on the healthy leg ( try the alternatives with supervision from family friends and docs.)

Listen to them if they see signs of you being unwell again.. hopefully by now you trust them and have weeded out the non supportive folks in your life ( which can be a great side affect of a mental Illness)

I hope this helped..

In response to: Shutting everyone out including myself

Unknown userMember02 Dec 2015, 6:44 pm AEDT

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

Thank you for you advice @Tight-Control

I don't see these medications as the same as pain killers for a broken leg or (a cold like many people try to tell me) . A broken leg is something that generally happens by accident and a cold is something everyone catches but a mental illness is not the same as that and the treatment is different. To me it's something wrong with my brain and my personality and I feel shame with that. I feel like an outcast and I don't want to the medication as I want to be the same as everyone else that only takes medication for broken legs and colds. Might not make sense but that's how I feel.

Funny you talked about trusting your doctor. My physc gave me a script to a different medication as I was not happy to take the first one and i was at my normal doctor today for other health issues and he gave me a print out of my medical history for a specialist and like a normal person I read it and found out the med my physc wants me to take was the same one I took as a teenager which left me screaming in fear due to a panic attack and my mum having to hold me down and calm me down because I thought I was dieing and a home visit from the doctor to give me a needle to stop throwing up which I was for days.

So I'm a little bit pissed off about that and all my negative thoughts are screaming through you are worthless and nothing will help you.

In response to: Shutting everyone out including myself

SakurapussSenior Contributor11 Jan 2016, 4:03 pm AEDT

Re: Shutting everyone out including myself

@Appleblossom @Former-Member how do you stop self-harm? My mind is on it almost 24/7, but this time last year I wouldn't have even considered it. I'm doubtful I'm on the right meds (they are doing something, just not sure how much) but my GP refuses to change them unless a psychiatrist says to. I dumped my old psych as he was no good (apart from being too expensive) but have to wait until April to see the free one based at the hospital. I don't like talking to people about mental health as they always to treat me different after I tell them. My husband in particular doesn't understand and calls me 'mental' and 'screwed up' when we're arguing. I thought family would be more understanding.

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