bhaSenior Contributor
I Envy Physically Handicapped People!
You lost your arm or leg. However, you still can achieve things. You still can earn some of your living. You still can play a role in the society or in your family. People worked very hard to invent equipment, which can complement your capabilities. Even if most of your body is paralysed, you can use your brain to control some equipment.
I have depression. I get un-welcomed visits from this Black Dog. When it arrives, this Black Dog takes over my brain. Brushing my teeth becomes an impossible mission, let alone going to work. If it comes while I am at work, it takes over my mind. On a blink of an eye, I lose all my capabilities to do anything useful. Even going home becomes a huge effort.
It is relatively easy for you to imagine how difficult living with no hands or legs can be. However, unless you have been through it (God forbids), it is impossible for you to understand how the mind can be crippled and you have no control over it. For short periods of time, I feel normal; I can laugh and communicate. At most of the time, I cannot do anything at all. My biggest problem is that I cannot tell when the change from being normal to being mentally handicapped occurs. I literally wake up every morning wondering if the Black Dog is present today or not! Sadly, it has wings! This Black Dog can disappear in a blink of an eye for a few minutes; then, it comes back in a surprise un-welcomed appearance. I tried to negotiate with it a schedule for its appearance. It always broke its promise. In a single hour, I experience different personalities and feel having different capabilities, all based on how much presence this Black Dog has around me.
I am a useless piece of sh*t. I cannot keep a job. I cannot play a role model for my children. I cannot commit to anything.
Over and above all my frustration and incapacity to kick this Black Dog out of my life, you blame me for my illness, and you accuse me of not being strong enough to face my problems. My problem is not a temporary sadness. My problem is a malfunction in my brain, which scientists have been struggling to fix.
Finally, I am not trying to undermine the physical pain (as the title might indicate). Rather, I am trying to stress that the pain of an invisible (mental) illness can be as much as the pain of a visible (physical) illness. However, what makes the pain of a mental illness 100 times worse is that people around you do NOT acknowledge your pain, and even worse, they BLAME you for it! So, I do NOT envy physically handicapped people because they are not suffering, but because people appreciate their suffering.
