Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi, I'm new here but I'm struggling with the same problem as you do. From the beginning of the relationship I knew that my boyfriend was depressed even though he didn't show any signs of it when we started dating. On the other hand I always lacked self esteem, thought I'm worse and not worth attention, had suicidal thoughts and never really thought it could be depression because my strict parents don't believe in mental issues. He helped me a lot with that. I gained a lot of mental strength, he made me believe in myself and supported me. I guess just the thought that I have someone who really loves me made me happy and cured me. We had a wonderful honeymoon phase, he was really serious about me, was talking about the future together. With the beginning of winter first signs of his depression started showing up, he stopped going to the gym, started suffering from insomnia, didn't wanna leave the house. After a while he went to the doctor and got meds that made his depression even worse so he stopped taking them. A few months passed and he got way better all of the sudden, he was vigorous and joyful, he started talking about moving in together but the main problem was that I was studying at the time so i had no time to work and had no money of my own. He was getting more and more frustrated overtime which made me feel extremely guilty, it started getting worse, we were fighting and his depression came back. We both started feeling miserable and tried to avoid each other as much as we could, I didn't feel wanted, felt like an intruder being with him but I thought it's just a phase and it'll get better with time. For me it was rather obvious that there are ups and downs in every relationship so I didn't think breaking up is an option. Well it was and I was to realise it really soon. A month ago my boyfriend broke up with me because that's what he thinks is the best for both of us because we both have issues that we have to fight by ourselves. He said that this way maybe we'll be able to build a happy relationship in the future. We're still talking on daily basis, he doesn't ignore me but I don't know what to do. My depression has gotten worse since we broke up and I'm completely lost. I still love him and he tells me he loves me too and if he was to marry anyone it would be me, every day he tells me how amazing I am and that he thinks about me every day. It was bad with him but it's even worse without him. As cliche as it sounds.

Sorry about being boring or if my story's too long but my friends talk sh*t behind his back for what he did to me so I'd rather share with people who deal with the same problems as I do. I wish you all a good day and sorry for my poor English since it's not my mother language.

Hi Piglet

i think space for the both of you is probably the best thing. If you have been fighting a lot, you will just continue too and there might be no coming back from that. Focus on yourself and make yourself well again, build your self esteem up and really work on being a better version of yourself. Write in a journal how you are feeling. Do something special for you. Break ups are hard. You will feel like shit, cry a lot and have many questions. Let it all out.

Hi SoSad,

thanks for replying. Yeah I guess that's the best option, it's just hard to accept it somehow. I'm working on myself and at least it's gonna make me tougher, also the fact that it was my first relatioship doesn't make it easier. Thanks a lot for helping, i'll think of writing a journal, it might be a good idea.

It will all just take time. It’s been almost 2 months since this all started for me. I have to remind myself that depression isn’t something that fixes itself within a certain time frame. Can take weeks or months. I barely talk to mine now. I hate it. I also know it’s the best thing. The longer he is away from me, the more I worry that he won’t return. But, what’s meant to be will be.

i actually booked a trip overseas for a couple of weeks. I go next week. So spontaneous of me but I just felt that was the best thing I can do for myself.

@girlygirl25 Read what you had to say from when you first posted and read it again tonight and I feel reassured each time that no matter what, everything will be okay on my end and that I cannot accept scenario #2. I'm 23. Thank you for taking your time to get back to me and giving me your insight! I hope all is well on your end.

@Shaz51 It's only been a few weeks since the breakup. It's been hard getting out of bed but I have a great support system and things that help remind me that I had a life outside of the relationship. Self employed tutor, hospital volunteering, studying for the basic skills test to be a substitute teacher, studying to be a science teacher, personal fitness and finance. It still doesn't feel like enough but that just means I have no excuses to skip out on anything. All in all, there's always more to life than a romantic relationship. How are you?

a trip overseas for a couple of weeks.-- @SoSad, wishing you a safe and nice holiday my friend , sending you hugs

Hello @LostandConfused, @Piglet, @Delilah, @girlygirl25

there's always more to life than a romantic relationship.--- very true @Lux-xoxo, did you say you are 23 xx

sending you tender hugs

Hey, How are you? I read your post and I really do hope that you are doing well. Any thoughts since then?

Thank you @Shaz51. I am quite excited. I need to move on from my ex. The whole “stepping back” thing and hot and cold behaviour is really doing my head in. He feels like he needs space but I am the one that needs it more than him now lol.

Hello everyone.

although i feel sad reading your posts. I am so so glad I am not the only one in this situation. My ex just recently left me and I felt so confused and I am extremely heartbroken- words cannot describe. I feel like I have just lost the whole world.

He said he is feeling depressed, stressed etc and can’t cope right now. He has many issues going on at work and with his family. He needs to put himself first to get better. He said he can’t be in a relationship at the moment as he can’t give me what I need. I offered him many solutions and discussed his mental health with him but he says he feels numb and wants to be alone and needs space.

I was so confused as we were very happy as a couple together, i thought he was the one, we planned our future.

He said I can message him every couple of weeks to see how he’s doing, maybe to meet for a coffee, but that’s it.

i feel lost and heartbroken. He means more than the world to me.

Reading everyones posts however really has given me comfort.

I still don’t know what to do. I want to help him as I worry about him and love him dearly.

I asked him if his feelings have changes for me and he wouldn’t tell me, he said he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore or lead me on in any way.

any advice/ kind words would be much appreciated

It can be a really confusing time. Mines been 2 months today and we had a heap of contact to begin with but it’s dropped off a lot now and he doesn’t interact with me that much. It hurts. I am giving him space and gone no contact. I need space too. Every time I have any kind of contact with him, I get upset.

I was reading my messages when this all started with my ex. Before he asked if he could step back (still don’t know what this means...it’s vague). I wasn’t handling it well and wasn’t in a good headspace myself. I think that had something to do with his decision too. But when they are pulling away and can’t talk to you, it’s normal to panic.

I love him. I haven’t stopped. I get told that I missed a bullet. I would have taken one for him. But I need to be well. That’s my biggest tip. Make sure you keep yourself emotionally well.

I have gone on holidays overseas. It will give me the space from him. I just constantly think of him. I will contact him when I get back. I think we have a lot to talk about and I want to sort it out.

I don’t really believe everything they say when they go through this. They do and say things to push you away and confuse you. My mans responses are vague. One text message he will say that he will come up on the weekend. The phone call and text message that night, when I ask about our future, he makes excuses about why he likes being single (because of his ex’s treatment towards him, nothing to do with me) and a text saying that he is sorry that he has hurt me he is scared where his headspace goes and it makes a difference to have a friend like me. But then he’ll come over 2 days later, apologising for not staying and embraces me with a bear hug for ages and then does it again when leaving and gives me a kiss.

So yeah, just keep living your life as best you can. I don’t know how long it takes for them to get better. I’d suggest going to a psych yourself.

Maybe time and space will make a difference.

btw, 2 months later and I still don’t know if him asking me for a step back meant a break or a break up hahahhaha. So I treat it as a break up.