Hi @Esme
Welcome to Sane. I went through with my daughter exactly what you are going through presently with yours (apart from home schooling). My daughter's problems with anxiety, depression (being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bi-polar) started with bullying at school at 15 yrs and sexual assault (she was raped) when out of our care at 16yrs. At age 20 she also entered into an abusive relationship and she just went off the rails. She self harmed, had several near fatal attempts and self medicated with alcohol and drugs - all which made the situation worse and caused excessive mood swings and violent outbursts with her. It was a nightmare. Worst years were between age 15-21 yrs. She tried headspace and medication but never really stuck with the latter or counselling.
It was a nightmare that we handled one day at a time. We received "no support". I also was (and still am caring for a husband with cancer). I did attend the support group "grow" which I found helpful.
I found help for my daughter very scarce in the Community - a lack of mental health resources were evident and no support for myself apart from the above group, my best friend at times and my husband.
Fast forward - She has improved a lot just of late and will be 22 in March. She has now only expressed her wish to seek help through a psychologist and has entered into another relationship where the partner at this stage seems to be supportive of her - which has given us a bit of a break. But whether the latter will last remains to be seen. She is a lot stronger now but still has much healing to do. But "there is light at the end of the tunnel".
She had to want this and be prepared to help herself with the love and support of us her parents. Our GP was also tried to help her/us. We laid boundaries with her though and she has moved out of home at our request a couple of times because she was either violent or abusive towards us. It's complex. But we have always been there for her and she knows we love her. The latter was very important towards her improvement.
It is really important to seek support for yourself @Esme and to pursue where possible your own interests, personal goals and a life for yourself. I know how difficult that can be especially with the fear of your daughter harming herself, but it's necessary least you come undone and burn out mentally, psychically and emotionally. I found keeping myself busy in times of grief and trauma helped me lest my mind overwhelmed me. At times I did not think I would survive it - but I did and things have improved.
I also encouraged my daughter to seek part time work this all begun and to do healthy activities outside the home, to go after goals she makes for herself when she could, which did help. I did not accept her lying in bed all day. She was ill and needed motivation - tough love is an act and needs to be put into action at the right time. She still works and has done so amazingly at some capacity all through this period since she was 16.
Your daighters self esteem would be very low - helping to raise that and her self confidence with instilling the positives, the good in every day no matter how small and acknowledging her capacity to get through this with your's and others help is a must for recovery. Talk back to her depressive thoughts and keeping your life as normal as possible will help her (an incredible feat under such a load that you will need support with but will let her see how life can be lived and offer her coping skills to improve by example). Encouraging her to talk to you and others - and to just listen letting them know we love them also helps on their journey (my daughter would not talk until recently).
It won't happen overnight, it all takes time and perseverance, but things can get better, even when all seems lost. For me it's living one day at a time still. I hope this helps - you are not alone.
