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Depression Dementia Dad

Unknown userMember31 Jan 2018, 10:01 pm AEDT

Depression Dementia Dad

Is Dementia Mental Illness? It's a disease of the mind so i'm hoping i still belong here. If not for that - today at the DR he was asked if he gets depression - dad answered "yes I do get depressed" It's hard to read with dad's early vascular dementia.

Around Christmas i moved in with my parents as mum was unable to manage hersef let alone continue as dad's carer. She was end stage cancer and died in hospital palliative care only 19 days after i arrived 😞 I was shocked how sick she became in the 2months since my last three week trip.. My goodness - what a fighter she was. My two younger brothers were dropping in a couple of times a day & helped with transport, bills & shopping - but could not stay in the house.longer than 30min - becoming restless... (probably the MI-Sz / drug related) and they were wearing thin. getting angry.. Mum was so difficult / hurtful during my last stay to help, i was reluctant to come again unless she asked me to. It was hard for her but necessary. The first attempt to drive the 1200km i ran off the road & badly crashed my car - a 'Write Off' Sore bones & shellshot - I had to rest a few days before flew down.

I hit the floor running - household duties, neals & loads of patient reassurance for mum. Even giving her a bell. Wasnt easy looking them both, clearly dad had been neglected for sone time.

I was still in the bad books for reporting him as a medically 'unfit' driver during my last stay. They fought it and gad x2 doctors confer ( why not done before is beyond me).

So here i am, feeling alone with 'toxic family' threatened by my presence, the loss of my mum, a dad in grief, with early vascular dementia, diabetes, heart disease, spinal injury - poor mobility, bad incontinence. Its full on some days. Not just the cleaning up but all the medical appointments. Especially since mum had understandablly got behind on things like optometrist, pidiatrist... even the GP...

Just looking for support as feeling somewhat shattered after only x5 weeks. Big day today.

lapses

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In response to: Depression Dementia Dad

Sophia1Senior Contributor23 May 2018, 10:20 am AEST

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

good morning @Former-Member

you sound so thoroughly exhausted.....

I am not surprised in the least that you left the list behind....my goodness people do that when they have nothing on their minds ......

you are striving to be the best for your father...tend his needs...pour out your love to him that is most definitely unconditional...

amidst a battleground of warring siblings....lost and confused...angry...unable to express their feelings or grieve...an incohesive group of floundering family members who perhaps are carrying guilt and all sorts of heavy feelings....

this does not excuse their behaviour towards you or your dad in any way...might help you look at it from a different angle...

as it is not your fault they are not coping they are lost ...despairing....angry.... none of that has anything to do with you..... you have been the one family member trying to hold together a family that has probably been stretched to the limits for far too long.....

I so relate to this on a much smaller scale...this division of family...the yearning for the family to be loving and accepting all of the time...being the one not giving up trying...reality setting in and finally becoming depleted..

My situation pales in comparison ...yet still the pain is so deep...carried for so long...

You are being there for your dad...

who is being there for lapses? can lapses be there for lapses now? do you have any ounce of strength left to get yourself to the doctor for you?

can you ring carers australia and request urgent help so that you can get to the doctors without caring for your dad? is there anyone who can help you for this appointment and rest period after?

So sorry about length....I have deep concern for you.... you are not ...... "a dithering panic stricken senile person"......you are completely drained....exhausted...in need of urgent help yourself...

In response to: Depression Dementia Dad

OwlunarSenior Contributor23 May 2018, 10:27 am AEST

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Hi @Former-Member

You are under a lot of pressure right now and a lot of it seems to be from one or two of your brothers and you don't need them - you are not their carer - you are there for their Dad and how I wish I could take their aggravation away from you - but then - what could I do with it

Why does all this male role make things hard - I think that male roles are nebulous to women who have to deal with nitty gritty that makes men cringe from the moment parenthood becomes real - we are tough but right now you don't feel like that

We love you here - this is so true

I forget who wrote it now but someone said write down all your own concerns and see the doctor without your Dad and just hand it over - I think doctors are used to this - I had to do this when my kids were young - I had my brain in either over-drive or phased-out when my kids were pre-school - I was a major-clucker then - and your Dad - while an adult deserving that title is getting most of the appointment time you need it too - you need to self-care -

You have a lot on your plate - we don't have to get inside your note-book to know that - the thought of being a primary carer for your Dad is a huge job and you are doing it the best you can and nobody can do more - your sibs are either not helping or really getting in the way

We know cause we are on the outside looking in but we love you and we are all on your side - and care heaps

Gottta find some clipart for you

My stars - that was incredible - carer-stress is HUGE

You are not alone

Dec

In response to: Re: Depression Dementia Dad

AppleblossomSenior Contributor23 May 2018, 12:08 pm AEST

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Just getting out the door with your dad is an achievement. Many people in the field will appreciate that. DOnt be too hard on yourself, for forgetting or having a senior moment. The long term and thorough follow through will shine through ...

@Former-Member

I sometimes cant see or feel for things in my handbag ... when they are actually there, but I am so panicked I dont see it in plain sight.

Gently Bently Bella

In response to: Depression Dementia Dad

Unknown userMember23 May 2018, 12:55 pm AEST

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Thank you

In response to: Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Shaz51Senior Contributor23 May 2018, 5:47 pm AEST

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

@Former-Member, has your dad have reflux as mu used to tothe same thing as you dad , my mum is on meds for her reflux now xxxxx

sending you lots of hugs

In response to: Depression Dementia Dad

Unknown userMember23 May 2018, 6:23 pm AEST

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Yeas @Shaz51, he has reflux & is on meds for that too. But dad usually chokes when he swallows fluids after eating.

Took him to podiatrist today, gotta go back Friday for an extra shoe fitting.

Bro4 come round all 'het up' over lloyds angst against me and apparemt plans to replace me with another carer... Its outrageous because there is nobody else available, plus - im doing fine. Bro4 says dad's happy with my being here
amd doesn't understand wjay theyre on about - bro2, bro3 & sis. Bro4 afgormatovely said - "I want you to know i support YOU, not those #@?!##, ok? " He was agro. But also, he's going through withdrawals from opioids, on his way to dr but jump starting his car so wanted to borrow dads but fortunately dads off to podiatrist. Then he said "i'm not well, somethings wrong in my head... and I'm not eating well... can i have a can of BBeans?... " Said hes not up to taking dad to the podiatrost for me today & then take the car... cause o'm so tired. Yesterday he wouldnt take dad cause he he's surveillance cameras weren't working & he had to
guard the house... Sad to say but I've caught him out telling huge stories (lies) to get what he wamts. And he was real cranky with me for ages cause i wont give him cash. This is mygreatest alli. Hecant ring ringor receivephone calls atm because vodaphone "done the dirty on him" - he wont talk about it. But why cant he receive calls & tx? I donno, feel manipulated, and this is my support.

Anyway, because bro3 is scheming behind my back, demanded bro4 choose which sode he's on... and because bro3 also abused & upset dads dr... I did it:

Today i filed for Guardianship. If they find me unfit, the matter is settled once & for all and i'll go back home. I'll see it as God himself rescuing me feom an impossible situation.

Gotta go

In response to: Depression Dementia Dad

Unknown userMember24 May 2018, 7:42 pm AEST

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

F&H said:
I have been hearing you @Former-Member. You are continuing to flex that incredible muscle you have and stay on course when the winds of your family are trying to blow you around everywhere ..... hard yards in every direction you look.

The thing that stands out to me is that you were there for your Mum in every capacity you could be, every capacity that her own psychological injuries would allow, and that was magnificent for two reasons that I can see ...... you were true to yourself, and you have that going forward - you did the best that it was possible to do, and that is more than most other people would have,could have, coped with. My MIL. is just as difficult, but I don’t have childhood scars from her the way you did with your Mum, and you shared enough of those with us to understand how terrible it was, often. That was grace under fire, and you are still doing it ......

The second thing is, if you had stayed away, your own values would have ached over the fact that you didn’t go to be with her .... but you did ..... so for your own truth to yourself, you were there, despite the fact that she remained so emotionally inaccessible. I remember too the post you shared about the relationship with a narcissistic mother. That wasn’t my experience, but it was my mother’s ..... and it has been for many, many others here ..... having the courage to put a voice to that shows your brave heart @Former-Member, and lights the way for others to do the same.

Here are some more sunflowers ..... 🌻🌻🌻 ..... and when I am in possession of my iPad later, and more of my wits than I have right now, I will post you the sunflower I keep for you ...... I see it every day when I am flicking through my images ..... and I pray over you when I do ......

Just spoke to my Dad who is currently on the other side of Australia. Bless him. Still going strong. Wish I could be with him more, but the reason I am Not is the reason I am here on the forums.
Hugs ❤️
......................
Thank you F&H, reeeely appreciate all you've done, who you are ❤❤❤

In response to: Depression Dementia Dad

Unknown userMember24 May 2018, 8:03 pm AEST

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

@Sophia1,

Just need to requore more from myself

not sure anyone has more to offer me in terms of medical care, and therapy. Just gotta take it slow. Actually, Qld Gov is broke so trying to get tests done here they wouldnt up north re costs (such as MRI's ) but its all slow, getting time alone, time when dad's not alone... Workin on it 🙂

How are you? Still 'not right?
Hope youre ok ❤❤❤

In response to: Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor24 May 2018, 8:43 pm AEST

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

You’re a gem @Former-Member .... a real Trojan ..... really appr I ate all your beautiful sharing and caring here when you are under such a heap of criticism and lack of family support, but you keep getting up past, dusting yourself off, and going at it again .....

Grace under fire .... faith in action ...., way to go ❣️

In response to: Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Sophia1Senior Contributor24 May 2018, 10:03 pm AEST

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Hello @Former-Member

Have to disagree with Neil Young on that one.....

You have no space to breathe there.....

Has your father been assessed by Acat as in needing 24 hour care? Or can he still do somethings for himself?

I think that you said the doctor would write a letter supporting you as your dad's doctor? This would help your case..

I don't want to comment on your brothers as I am confused between the 3 ..I remember 2 had schizophrenia....which complicates reality and truth...very difficult situation for you to be in...

I am concerned for your safety...emotionally you are on overload....I ended up there...possible cause of my tumour which is rare apparently...I thought that I had to keep on pushing on..

all states in Australia are in debt..

there has to be more help available for you and dad ...you would be eligible for an advocate with your own mental health..

I feel for you very much..I have been stretched to the limits under different circumstances...

my post op position is still in acute recovery stage up to 3 month mark then rehabilitation stage..check up with another Mir at 3 month stage then 6 months then 1 year then 3 years..

please know when to say " I have to look after myself now"

you have done so very much.....

I apologise for coming across too bluntly...sometimes someone has to put you first dear lapses 💜

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