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Family violence and 'not getting involved'.

SaharaSenior Contributor29 Jan 2018, 8:22 am AEDT

Family violence and 'not getting involved'.

Long story short:

I made a new friend here in town and yesterday she revealed to me that her daughter was in an abusive relationship. My friend didn't mean to reveal anything to me! She did not want to intrude on her daughter's privacy, for one thing.

What can you do? Nothing, I guess.

I was concerned that, as a mother, my friend did not seem to be doing much about the situation, either. For all her concern (and she was extremely concerned, believe me) she was sitting back and letting her daughter take care of the situation....

And in this case, the daughter was actually allowing her abusive partner back into her life and back into her home... claiming to 'be in love' with him.

The sad fact is... what can you do? There is nothing you can do, is there?

I think my eyes must have protruded out of my head when my friend said "It's her journey. I can't interfere. She's my daughter and I love her but I can't control what she does or doesn't do."

So true.

I don't know if I would be able to take that stand, if it were my daughter who was being abused? But then, I don't have any children myself, so the point is moot.

Anyway, I know I need to step back and stop worrying about other people's issues... at least I keep saying that I need to do this... so perhaps this is a new test for me.

I already have my sister on the verge of a nervous break-down and my Dad undergoing treatment for cancer.... and I have to keep reminding myself not to over-identify with their problems.

5 replies

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In response to: Family violence and 'not getting involved'.

utopiaSenior Contributor29 Jan 2018, 11:53 am AEDT

Re: Family violence and 'not getting involved'.

@Sahara - I'm wondering if you are ftarget it difficult to reconcile this new friendship with her views - that are the opposite of yours?
I know I would struggle with that.
Is that the real issue? or am i off target

In response to: Re: Family violence and 'not getting involved'.

SaharaSenior Contributor30 Jan 2018, 9:15 am AEDT

Re: Family violence and 'not getting involved'.

Thanks @utopia,

you might have hit the nail on the head! I am having a bit of trouble.... just trying to understand my new friend correctly. (By the way- I met the daughter and she looked Ok... I could not see any bruises and she smiled and made conversation....)

When I say "abuse" - I am not quite sure if it was physical abuse or not? The daughter had to have someone with her in the house when the ex-partner came to get his stuff... so I assumed she needed physical protection from him?

But then she and the ex-partner made up and decided to continue the relationship - he was going to stay with her overnight.

By the way, my friend looked uncomfortable that she had accidently revealed so much to me... becuase of her daughter's privacy and 'small town gossip', etc.

Oh, I don't know @utopia. There is nothing I am going to do about it at the moment. I told my new friend that if her daughter gets into trouble in any way, that she can always come over to my place, as I live really close by (like I said- it's a small town) and knock on my door.

If that were to happen, I think I would call the police.

Honestly, I doubt the daughter would run to me... I have only met her the once.

The daughter is seeing a psychologist, and is taking anti-depressants and has apparently told the psychologist everything. Well, I hope so.

At least there is some kind of record of the abuse, if things escalate.

As for my new friend, I think she is lovely, extremely caring, gentle, and adores her daughter... she just seems a bit passive.

In response to: Family violence and 'not getting involved'.

utopiaSenior Contributor30 Jan 2018, 12:24 pm AEDT

Re: Family violence and 'not getting involved'.

She does sound passive on this issue @Sahara. But it's probably how she was raised. There were many women who once married their families believed the girl had to sort out her own relationship - and don't go running home. The family would not offer an escape or safety net. Very sad. And very different from my upbringing. My mum always made sure I knew I could come home and be safe. And if she thought my partner was abusing me in any way, she would step in.
Different values.

In response to: Re: Family violence and 'not getting involved'.

SaharaSenior Contributor30 Jan 2018, 3:48 pm AEDT

Re: Family violence and 'not getting involved'.

Yes, different values, @utopia.

I do wonder, in this case if the daughter hasn't told her Mum to butt out, in no uncertain terms? That would explain the passivity?

But I don't know.

I feel a lot better abou it than I did yesterday. I thnk having time to reflect has really helped me. I can't solve the world's problems.....

If I see my friend again, I'll just let her talk if she wants to talk and she doesn't, then I guess I'd better let it rest.

In response to: Family violence and 'not getting involved'.

utopiaSenior Contributor30 Jan 2018, 4:08 pm AEDT

Re: Family violence and 'not getting involved'.

That's a good plan @Sahara. Take your lead from your friend.

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