I cried at my sister's wedding

I cried at my sister's wedding. Not just tears of joy though. When I was asked, I simply said "because I almost didn't make it today." This answer baffled those that heard it. I didn't have the heart to explain in full. My tears were joyful in a twofold way but, guilt was the other cause for my emotional state that evening. This shameful feeling was caused by my failed suicide attempts earlier this year. I should first explain what I meant earlier when I mentioned that my joy was twofold. I was happy to see my sister so happy, but I was also happy that I got to see her this happy by way of my failure to take my own life. I thanked whatever Gods may be for the fact that I failed.<br><br>I was also feeling guilty and ashamed, because had I succeeded I can only imagine the hollow feeling family members present would have felt on a day like this. They would have been forced into saying things like "I wish Ben were here." Or "This doesn't feel right without my brother/son/nephew/cousin." This guilt remains a splinter in my mind at all family gatherings. If I had killed myself every birthday, Christmas, family gathering and Sunday dinner with my parents would have been ruined.<br><br>I struggle to reconcile this because I continue to think "what if I wasn't here? Would there be this much enjoyment or would my ghost be a dampener on the day?" The three worst feelings in the world are:<br><br>1) Wanting to commit suicide<br><br>2) Failing when you attempt suicide<br><br>3) Attending family functions where nobody knows that you tried to take your own life and thinking about how your absence would be felt if you'd succeeded.<br><br>It truly doesn't get worse than this, I promise. My family are still unaware of what I went through, and I'm not ready to tell them face to face. I feel freer for having shared this with you though. I have been getting much better with my problems. To this day I've done nothing about how I'm feeling because to write it on a piece of paper it looks so trivial. One part of my mind tortures the other for the time being, with memories and flashes of things left unsaid or undone.<br><br>Some days I'm convinced that my story has a happy ending, some days I'm convinced it won't. But I've decided to take the day as it comes, and deal as appropriate with whatever may come.