Unknown trajectory

Hi, I figured i better say hello to everyone and maybe say some something about myself. I don't like talking at the best of times, but i'm sure that is understood here. I have joined a few forums, not related to MI, one was a car forum and i still couldn't bring myself to write anything there. I figure what is there to lose.........(may come back to that).

I dont even know where to start. There is no train of thought, so sorry if it's a bit all over the shop. 14 years ago i was diagnosed with depression by a doctor out in the bush and was given some not so good drugs. Which about 1 month after starting them i went into a psycotic rage and never touched them agian. Through the years i kinda of learned to live with the things in my head and through self medication. Last year i went through a bad break up and i am of the understanding the stress may have triggered things as i had the Police called on me a couple of times, Due to self harm. The most i had to do with that was talk to someone on the phone for 5 minutes then sent on my way. I then moved to a property by myself, of which the closest person is about 5km away. since moving here i have smelled bbq's, smelled someone cooking a pizza the other day. he Truman delusion is as real as anything can be. Happy i am aware of it though, even if i can't lock in that it isn't real, because it could be. Even though that would be one boring show (it alone makes writing here hard).

I have always liked my own company, from when i was a child. However once moving to a place by mysIelf, thing have been progressively getting worse, and have been considering proffesional help.

One thing that puts me off getting help is i'm not a fan of the drugs at all. Not due to past experience. I understand i saw a crappy doctor out in the middle of nowhere, who just threw me on the first thing that came to his mind at the time. I don't want to be "zombiefied".... bad term but there are no other

The main reason i'm writing this is because commented on a post the other day and the paranoia is getting to me a bit. Mostly my comment about returning to lurking in the shadows. As since then i read a post somewhere about people praying on the....not 100%, and things like that play on my mind. I see can a clear path as to how i could be percieved as one of these people be just being inthe background reading the posts. Silly i know, but i can see it strong enough to almost belive it myself. Sorry if there are trigger warnings or anything like that, i honestly can't tell. I know somethings that could be said, but i can't really distiguish what is and is not. Anyway, i don't where what i have and have not said, i can't bring myself to reread it as if i do i will delete it and may never try again. It has happened with ther things. Sorry for the long post and if it's not understandable. Now i have to find the strength to push post, that could take take a while.

Anyway, thanks to everyone here for their effort with talking and helping each other. I have only been here a coulpe of days and have read lots of good posts and information. There is no need to resond to this( if i can post it). I am just happy to have got some stuff out. I only have 1 person in my life i can talk to and They have their own life so i try not annoy them too much.

Thanks again