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Carer or partner?

Jane9Senior Contributor03 Nov 2015, 5:18 am AEDT

Carer or partner?

Hi, I'm new to the forum and struggling, especially at night when I wake up with looping thoughts. I'd love to know if this is a normal experience.

I am in a relationship with an amazing person who has a great mind, career, close friends and is creative but the impact of bi-polar (the depressed end ) on our day to day life causes me so much stress I can barely cope at times. I naively thought when my partner told me about it when we first met 2 1/2 years ago that it would only affect us/me if and when there was another hospital admission again (and its only been twice ever) but its all the day to day little moments of not coping, not wanting to socialise, wanting to see people one on one but not in couples, black moods, anger and blame and negative focus on my little dog when stressed that gets to me. I hate that the worst is left for me and at work my partner is charming and able to mostly hold if together. I feel powerless and trapped yet when things are good we really enjoy talking and time together and have a lot in common.

I feel overwhelmed with all the focus on my partners needs. I try hard to be supportive as had some very difficult changes lately with retrenchment a few days ago, buying a first home and looking after an ill sister but I feel so resentful that the focus is always on how they are managing when I have needs of my own around career changes and living in a different city to my family and old friends. I am becoming isolated from my friends, many who have seen me very upset in the past and are a bit protective now.

I just want to have an equal partnership, where we help each other instead of feeling like I'm the parent/professional/ nurse but Im beginning to accept that this won't ever happen with this damned diagnosis. I used to hate the term 'carer' as I thought that it implied that my partner doesn't give back when they do when well but now I hate having to accept that this is how it is. It's an uneven street. I feel depressed about that and exhausted. I don't have the energy to give up and I'm also terrified of losing the good things that we have. Any thoughts from your own experiences?

9 replies

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In response to: Carer or partner?

AlienBP2Senior Contributor03 Nov 2015, 11:06 am AEDT

Re: Carer or partner?

You need a rest...see what assistance you can get in the way of respite ... If you don't look after number 1 (you) you can't look after number 2 ( him).....
No point in having a breakdown; that won't help either of you...you need a 2 week break mininium maybe a month off latter...

In response to: Carer or partner?

ShimmerSenior Contributor03 Nov 2015, 1:36 pm AEDT

Re: Carer or partner?

Hi @Jane9,

Welcome to the SANE Forums!

Wow, it sounds like a really challenging time in your relationship right now. It's obvious how much you care about your partner from the way you describe them as amazing and clearly are very supportive of their needs. At the same time, it's completely understandable that you sometimes feel resentful that your own needs often go unnoticed. Those day to day challenges you mentioned can be so stressful and often go unrecognised by others. Your desire for an equal partnership is of course completely reasonable, and I'm sure what most of us are looking for - it can be so hard when mental illness complicates this further!

Quite a few other members of our Forums have partners with Bipolar Disorder - perhaps some of them could share some of their own experiences with you? @Ant1, @tfishface, @Lucky2015, @9350, @Joyjoy68, @Jacob101 and @Sukha14, do any of you have some thoughts to share with @Jane9?

You mentioned feeling overwhelmed, depressed, powerless, trapped, isolated and exhausted... that is a lot for anyone to be going through!! I was wondering if you have anyone supporting you with all this? Or are there some self-care things you do to look after yourself?

Once again, welcome @Jane9, I look forward to hearing more from you!

Shimmer 🙂

In response to: Carer or partner?

Jacob101Senior Contributor04 Nov 2015, 10:04 pm AEDT

Re: Carer or partner?

Hi jane. I can relate to what you say. I broke up with my partner over a year ago after a pretty extreme event caused by him being unmedicated and taking pot, but really for years before that our relationship was just one of carer and patient. I managed everything, got him out of problem after problem, and was forever on edge at social events etc if he would loose it. Since I left he has been in hospital 3 or 4 times (he was scheduled last Friday). I support him financially and keep an eye on him but things aren't working out well for him. The way I see it was that as long as he was doing everything to keep on track, I would stick with him as a partner, but if he wasn't and I was just effectively a full time carer, well that isn't a relationship. He wasn't doing everything he could. So I'm not sure what your boyfriends position is but he needs to commit to a certain level of ground rules to stay well. You also need to get others to help... His family or friends. I still don't know what I will do with my ex in the long term but I can't begin to make plans until he is well. Good luck. J

In response to: Carer or partner?

Jane9Senior Contributor05 Nov 2015, 4:32 am AEDT

Re: Carer or partner?

Thanks Jacob, its good to hear your experience and I wish you well. It sounds very difficult after an event triggered things and I am impressed by your boundary making . You obviously care as youre still there as an ex. My partner is stabilised these days (drug taking stopped well before we met) and she is almost religious about taking the huge amount of meds and doing all the right things she learnt in hospital like exercise, mindfulness, therapy. In fact she has made more attempts to change than anyone I know, only when she falls back with stresses it's intense to be around. Her friends and family know about her condition and accommodate some of her antisocial quirks , OCD, mood shifts and anxiety much better than I do. But then again they don't have to live with it. They acknowledge it must be hard for me as while they love her but also know she's hard work. Now I'm on the scene they get a breather as she doesn't take her frustrations out on them anymore. Lucky me, I get it all ! . Because it's so intense I've spent less time with my own friends and become a bit dependent on our relationship. When she's feeling well and not tossed about by outside issues, she's a supportive and kind partner. She's away on holiday now so Im getting some time to myself before we meet up and time to reconnect with friends. What a relief! . Things already feel so much lighter after a bit of time to myself. Alien was right about a holiday and I can't wait to get to the beach.

In response to: Carer or partner?

arteeSenior Contributor05 Nov 2015, 10:24 am AEDT

Re: Carer or partner?

@Jane9 welcome to the forum. I haven't been on here long either, but there are some very supportive people here. What you wrote sounds very much like me, though my hubby has a brain injury not bipolar and I realised am no longer a partner but a carer and manager. I say the latter, because he does some very stupid things and has no idea of money. He wants to spend it constantly, but can't understand what things cost or count change. He has no idea how to remember a pin number, but that's a good thing imo. What I miss most is the ablity to have a conversation. I talk, and I might get some kind of sound - it varies, or a 3 word phrase, a complete disagreement, even if he agrees, silence, or he'll walk out in the middle of a sentence, because he thought I'd finished.

You sound like you're in overwhelm, like where I am now. You need time out. It's vital. I'm still working out how I can get any, because unlike your partner, mine is not high functioning, but is rude, bad tempered, suffers massive mood swings, irrational, delusional and paranoid. There is no resemblance to the man I called my husband.

So few friends understand what you're going through. Mine think I make it all up, because he seems friendly and appears sociable when I can get him out to see anyone, but they don't notice the sudden panic and his desperate need to run (and drag me with him) if anyone is getting too close, or we stay more than 30 minutes anywhere (shopping included). So come here and vent and know that there are people who do know what you're going through. There are services out there that can help you too.

In response to: Re: Carer or partner?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor06 Nov 2015, 10:49 pm AEDT

Re: Carer or partner?

I guess the best way to deal with your situation is to UP the amount of emphasis on your own care ... friends and interests.

I have had family of 2 different partners (one in my teens and one in my 20s and 30s my ex husband) say they were grateful that I relieved their anxiety about their relatives' well being and behaviour ... It was nice to hear but ... a verbal bit of praise does not equal the "living with" experience ...

Good Luck ... maybe learn about boundaries ... I am trying to ...

I also have ended up feeling drained by others who were already getting loads of support ... whereas I was not .... dont let it just continue ... try and get your life back.

In response to: Carer or partner?

Jane9Senior Contributor09 Nov 2015, 7:06 am AEDT

Re: Carer or partner?

Yes, sage advice! I think others are relieved to get the good side of their friend/family member (for a change ) and happy to know that we're there to pick up the pieces and take all the daily stresses etc instead .

When I think about it, I do the same to my step mother who cares for my father with parkinson's disease, in another state. What a relief to know she's there. I think I'll call her!

In response to: Carer or partner?

Jane9Senior Contributor09 Nov 2015, 7:10 am AEDT

Re: Carer or partner?

Artee, Brain injury sounds particularly difficult. Sad, to hear he's not the husband you once had. I feel the same about my dad with parkinson's. I've been so caught up with my own stress and overwhelm, I've forgotten how others are also struggling.. and that life is often just hard. I'm learning to appreciate a few good things this week.

In response to: Carer or partner?

ZaraNew Contributor07 Feb 2016, 10:46 am AEDT

Re: Carer or partner?

Hi Jane,

Thanks for sharing your story. Made me tear up a little reading it as it's nice to know there are others feeling the same.
I'm new to this forum. New to the concept of being a career or even needing support for myself.

My husband (in my humble opinion) is one of the most amazing men you'll ever meet. He is successful, outgoing, hilarious and a wonderful partner. We had a child a year ago and he has been the most amazing dad. However over the last 5months he has been really depressed. For valid reasons which he is able to identify, but his depression seems to be worsening. He has lost his spark. He went to see a psychologist a few weeks ago and after 2 sessions thinks he is better and armed with some strategies to improve things.
I guess I can really relate to the feeling of being overwhelmed and resentful that the focus is all about them. I feel so guilty for this! I look at all the wonderful supportive things I did in the first few months and then look at how snappy and impatient I am now - and I feel so bad. I have also had some major things in my life which has gone unnoticed by him, or if he has registered them we have a 5 second conversation about it and he thinks that's all that's needed. Yet he can talk about himself and what he needs etc endlessly. It is tiring.
One of the most frustrating things I find is that I talk to him about these things and it just seem to make him feel worse. Instead of being motivated and trying to makes some changes he seems to turn into a wilted flower in front of my eyes.
We haven't had sex in a long time either which I don't know whether to talk to him about or not. Previously this just puts more pressure on him which is most unhelpful when it comes to this topic!!
Sorry to have tagged onto your thread with my own issues Its just lovely to have space to talk about this with people who have had similar experiences. I've read some other threads here about boundaries and making time for yourself which I will try to do. Hard when you have a 1yr old consuming all your time!

I wish you all the best with your partner Jane. It sounds like she is lucky to have you 🙂

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