DaisydukesContributor
Sadness, hopelessness
I know I only post on here when I need to air myself out. I never contribute apart from my own crap. I guess this is my safe place I only visit when I feel desperate. I just like posting into the void rather than writing it to myself. I think it’s more comforting knowing someone hears me. I’ve digressed.
I’m trying my very best to keep myself together but I hate myself so much more than I’ve ever felt before, I remember when I was younger I used to get upset with not knowing who I am, now as an adult I know exactly who I am and I feel a tremendous amount of hatred for my darknesses.
I’m trying to love myself, I’m trying to be a better person but doing all the right steps is making me feel even worse about who I am because I can no longer blame my unlikable qualities on alcohol or drugs. It’s all me here now and I struggle daily, I can’t work properly in a job because I feel sick to my stomach, I get bad anxiety and I can’t help crying. I can’t function I dissociate often. I don’t want to be me, I want to be someone else. I want to erase my existence from everyone who has ever met me and i want to restart my life as someone else.
It’s not fair, it’s really not fair. Some people have the luxury of living healthy normal lives, they get to kick goals guilt free and love they get to truly love, they get to love themselves and they get gratitude.
I know people think well hey! You have hope there still, that could be you one day, keep being sober (I will keep being sober regardless) keep working on your future and you’ll get there but the thing is I know myself, I KNOW myself & that’s the heart breaking thing. There is no hope for me. I am going to feel this way forever day in day out, some days I laugh a lot and I enjoy those days but inside I am so broken. I am doing so much with my life now more than ever but day in and day out I am damned. It hurts so much & I wish it could change. I just have to bear and grin it every single day fighting my brain, my heart. I pity myself because I didn’t ask to be this way and I don’t enjoy feeling this much pain. I love it so much when I temporarily forget and I feel happy and then my brain reminds me and I don’t get to feel good until i have another short break.
I pray to god to please fix me, I dream about asking for forgiveness and to fix me. I get nothing back. This is a huge sad pity party rant. I know but it needed to go somewhere
I’m trying my very best to keep myself together but I hate myself so much more than I’ve ever felt before, I remember when I was younger I used to get upset with not knowing who I am, now as an adult I know exactly who I am and I feel a tremendous amount of hatred for my darknesses.
I’m trying to love myself, I’m trying to be a better person but doing all the right steps is making me feel even worse about who I am because I can no longer blame my unlikable qualities on alcohol or drugs. It’s all me here now and I struggle daily, I can’t work properly in a job because I feel sick to my stomach, I get bad anxiety and I can’t help crying. I can’t function I dissociate often. I don’t want to be me, I want to be someone else. I want to erase my existence from everyone who has ever met me and i want to restart my life as someone else.
It’s not fair, it’s really not fair. Some people have the luxury of living healthy normal lives, they get to kick goals guilt free and love they get to truly love, they get to love themselves and they get gratitude.
I know people think well hey! You have hope there still, that could be you one day, keep being sober (I will keep being sober regardless) keep working on your future and you’ll get there but the thing is I know myself, I KNOW myself & that’s the heart breaking thing. There is no hope for me. I am going to feel this way forever day in day out, some days I laugh a lot and I enjoy those days but inside I am so broken. I am doing so much with my life now more than ever but day in and day out I am damned. It hurts so much & I wish it could change. I just have to bear and grin it every single day fighting my brain, my heart. I pity myself because I didn’t ask to be this way and I don’t enjoy feeling this much pain. I love it so much when I temporarily forget and I feel happy and then my brain reminds me and I don’t get to feel good until i have another short break.
I pray to god to please fix me, I dream about asking for forgiveness and to fix me. I get nothing back. This is a huge sad pity party rant. I know but it needed to go somewhere
