rough time

Morning @Snowie. Hope you are okish sweetheart. I'm always thinking about you.

I realise I havent really given much of an update on anything thats happening so I guess ill start with this.....

Fridays psych appointment was really tough. I was honest with her and I said I wasnt even sure about coming back to therapy. We didnt go into the exposure work in that session, we more talked about some of the surface stuff like the things with my family relationships and the challenges I face with that. I find it very hard to talk about that stuff, mostly because I get the same reaction all the time 'you mum should be doing this or that' I know that is true but hearing it over and over doesnt help and I dont have much strength to change it right now, there is that and also that I dont generally like talking about other people. I did notice and it was a lot more obvious than usual that when I talk about other people or their bad traits I literally spend the rest of the time making up for it. So it becomes abit of an unproductive session. When I was talking to her in the session and discussing how I had been, which again I was honest with her except the sh and si thoughts, I didnt want to tell her that. But she advised me to listen to my 'rational' mind and before I make decisions try to tune into that first. She did make a suggestion/comment that did make sense to me though and that was my deeper saddness and my 'I dont care/know' mood while it is depression she thinks it may also be a form of dissociation. When my mind gets to overwhelmed, or when things get harder (than usual) I go into a deeper saddness and/or dissociate and my brain switches off.


Monday was a big day though. I had both my gp and my nurse on the same day. It went ok with my nurse though some of the stuff was abit hard. She was being both helpful and unhelpful at the same time. Sometimes she presumes im ok too even though I say im not. But I look ok or I appear like im in a good headspace. I meantioned to her that because of some things happening here and esp finances I might have to cancel my op too. She said 'do not cancel' she almost made me promise that I wouldnt cancel it.
I spoke to my gp about my cardiac tests, so far bloods look fine. She is a little worried about my 24hr ecg results though. The brief results seem to have some discrepencies so she wants to wait until she gets the whole ecg papers back and look for herself. She has diagnosed me (unless that changes m) with stress induced palpatations but she wants to double check because at one point I had a HR of 130 and then 40 which is usual for more sleeping hrs but I was awake when it hit that low. Abit of a worry for me abut sitting on my hands abit. She said she would ring if there was anything else to worry about. The waiting really sucks though because even if she doesnt ring I will still be wondering.


Im waiting on an appointment with the hospital for the womens health tests and waiting on an appointment with a new psychiatrist as well. My gp (besides the latest results) doesnt feel its necessary to see me unless I really need to and she will just see me when I speak to my nurse. (my gp has to come in to sign something so it goes under medicare) and I only see her every 4 weeks. I still have 5 sessions left with my psychologist so about 2 months and then I wont have her anymore either. I still have the exercise physiologist every 3 weeks which I think its going ok, still not crash hot on who im working with but ill live I suppose. Ive had to cancel my physio on my foot because I cant afford that either.



Besides that, its still the family stuff and ive got even more pressures put onto me lately. I am getting a really high experience of mothers guilt which is strange because im not a mother. But its really affecting me and I dont really know what to do about it. Might be the next topic of disscussion at the psych appointment. I have also now got a 3rd job- I cant quite say what it is but can say I work with kids and with horses along with my other job with horses and also pop. Hopefully a little extra income will help me to get back ontop of some bills again. Its not everyday, just some weekends and sometimes through the school holidays so am feeling like abit of a pressure cooker atm but its also abit of reprieve from family stuff when I go there so it also works to an advantage.

Um studies, im not sure im going to pass. Yesterday I sat and done around 3 hrs work fixing up the questions from the first assignment. I couldnt finish it because I had to wait for tafe to respond to a confusing comment on how to fix it. I got a repsonse now so will attempt that today and try to get the final assignment done (and if need be corrected) within 12 days in order to pass.

the car I worked hard for to get I now have to sell for less than half of what I paid for it because I cant afford to fix it. Its really upsetting me, and I know 'its just a car' but it was one of the things I had worked for myself and I had finally reached and now that ive got it its being taken away. There was also a self discovery moment the other day with the horses and I realised a reason I dont have the connection like I use to. Sounds silly though.


April is also a hard month in general. The 13th and 19th-21st are the first ones to come up. Ive got another 2 after that as well. I cant afford to not be ok this month even though I know that is going to be very hard to do because im already having nightmares and flashbacks and things but there are others that are going to need the support more than I do so im going to have to step up more and help keep others ok and getting through these times too esp my mother and pop since 2 of the dates which is the 13th and one later in the month is a grieving sort of aniversary. The other 3 day one is the attack which is a time thats generally celebrated.

A really honest and open post from you lil Sis which I know doesn't always come easy for you. But it is appreciated to know what's happening for you, even though a lot of it is icky, difficult stuff that's really hard for you to deal with.

It super sucks when money is low and tough decisions have to be made. I'm so sorry you have to sell your car. That must really hurt. And having to cancel important health appointments too is difficult. Really feel for you.

You say you're not a mother, but in many ways you are. You not have the care of your pop, but also lots of responsibility for your sisters. I guess it goes with the territory huh? But that doesn't make it easier. I think it might be good for you to discuss it with someone.

Try to take some care of you @outlander. I understand that ight be hard to do, but you're important too.

Hugs my angel 💕💕