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Stuff it!

LemonjuiceSenior Contributor06 Jan 2018, 8:44 am AEDT

Stuff it!

Hi,

I was hoping to see my therapist yesterday because I have been a bit of a danger to myself. He had to cancel because he was ill. I had recovered a little as I had started to look after my body so I was fine that he cancelled. I was looking forward to going up to my sister's house with mum today. Then this morning, mum woke me up to make breakfast for her because she wasn't well. Mum is 82, diabetic and suffers from anxiety. Every time we are meant to go up to my sister's or pretty much just anywhere, she suddenly gets sick. If she is sick, I can't leave her because of her fragility...she falls, she breaks basically. It's like living in a prison. I want to die...it's that simple. It doesn't feel like suicide anymore, more like euthanasia. I am mentally more stable, so I can't blame my hormones for feeling this way. Quite simply, it's logical for me to die. I have nothing more to live for...my mother has even fewer things to live for. I don't care anymore. Maybe I was born for this misery, afterall, why should others suffer miserable lives and not me. I don't care.

4 replies

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In response to: Stuff it!

NatalieSSenior Contributor06 Jan 2018, 9:20 am AEDT

Re: Stuff it!

Good morning @Lemonjuice

What a shame you're not going to see your sister today due in part to your mum's anxiety or with her feeling sick. Is there any chance of you getting out of the house for even half an hour or so today, even for a short walk? Do you think your mum might be ok for that short space of time?

Have you had some breakfast yet? Have you had something cool to drink? Did you get some quality sleep last night?

Don't mean to bombard you with too many questions @Lemonjuice. No need to respond.

Thinking of you

In response to: Stuff it!

MoonGalSenior Contributor06 Jan 2018, 12:45 pm AEDT

Re: Stuff it!

Hi @Lemonjuice (hi @NatalieS)

I know that feeling so well - the wanting to die (and knowing that is not a suicidal ideation more - just the hopelessness and constancy of the problems that won't go away by themselves). Caring for an elderly mum is exhausting and destabilising too.

It's good you can recognise your mother's anxiety and the way she expresses that with being 'too sick' to go out. Could your sister visit instead? So at least you have some mental and emotional company...

I stepped up last year and managed to get an ACAT assessment and Mum into aged care - it is a huge head-doer-inner dealing with all the different agencies and this help desk saying you should ring that help desk in a different organisation and vice versa! But if you need help with negotiating running that Aged Care gauntlet perhaps I or others here and maybe somewhere like COTA or the State based Carer's associations could give the advice to make a plan. You may also be able to get some respite care - or 48 hours in-home care for her while you have a break up at your sister's place. Not being directive just putting some ideas on the table in case they spark for you.

Sending you strength. How's the study going?

In response to: Re: Stuff it!

NatalieSSenior Contributor06 Jan 2018, 2:13 pm AEDT

Re: Stuff it!

Excellent ideas @MoonGal

In response to: Stuff it!

LemonjuiceSenior Contributor06 Jan 2018, 6:29 pm AEDT

Re: Stuff it!

@NatalieS @MoonGal Thank you for your responses. I was right...mum got better by midday. It was anxiety...she had worked herself up into a frenzy about the two hour drive up to my sister's. I spoke to my sister and she will be coming down oon her day off on Wednesday with my five year old niece which should cheer mum up.

The gp has tried her on anti-anxiety meds but she has a bad reaction to them every time. I have a referral to a rehab psych hospital...my dad went there when he had a stroke. Monday I will call them. I think she will need inpatient care to start on the meds. She does feel better on them but about two weeks in, she gets bad nausea, dizzy and vague. Anyway, we will see what happens.

As for myself, I'm struggling. I feel very weird, I'm in two minds or two paths. I was so set on ending it, that now, even when there's a solution; even when I feel better that plan is somewhere in the back in my mind. One side says, ok, here is a solution and I do feel positive and think that I am safe but at the back of my mind, there's still the thought that nothing has changed...like coexisting polar opposite thoughts. It only takes the smallest event to throw me from one to the other side...from calm, positive to suicidal/self-harm. Overall, I am moving a little towards the positive. Just nothing can go wrong in my life or anything break down...lol, no problem.

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