THE dark side

Surrounded by people yet all alone
Trapped within this solitary zone
A world where chaos and hate overtake
Every bit of happiness that may try to escape
Laughter and smiles never seem to last
Because I am haunted by memories of my past
Running the distance with nowhere to go
These are the days of my life, a Broadway show
Screaming for help, does anyone hear
The demons of death are coming so near
Echoes in my head tormenting me all day long
Breaking the woman who was once very strong
What does serenity mean anyway
Is it the swag in my step or just the words I say
Deep rooted evil no time for a soul mate
Wondering why joy is always a day late
Suicide is the easy answer many times I've tried
Happiness seems to be the tears I have cried
Unable to distinguish what's real from what's fiction
Hope is an illusion, an optimist's prediction
What will it take to get me right
A visit from the devil on a lonely night
Angels prepare to battle and take a stand
To remind me of their holy land
When I want to give up, they push for me to be strong
In my head I hear their harmonious song
A tranquil state I now find myself
Dealing with the hand in which I was dealt
Good vs evil, what does it really mean
Am I dirty when I appear to be clean
Life is an illusion a constant mind trick on me
Who knows what my fate will be
Heaven and hell are both fair game
Will I succumb to peace or fall down in shame
Surrounded by people yet all alone
Trapped within this solitary zone

I know you may not think so
But I'm trying really hard
I don't do it on purpose
I did not pick this card

I'm trying my very best
To get this hurtle jumped
But no one else is there
To help me out of this slump

I don't know what you want from me
Give me a hint or clue
Please give me a sign
I don't know what to do

If you only knew
How much I struggle in this war
Maybe you would be there
To pick me up off the floor

Its time to stop pretending
Time to open up your eyes
To give me a hand
Instead of looks and sighs

Its not that I don't love you
And its not that I don't care
The fact is I need help too
I need somebody there

I had it once, now it's gone
Like a knot it's been undone
Was once so tight, now so slack
Happy times I wish I could have back
I sit a home, and feel so lonely
It'll be great if that was all, if only...
Zombie on the outside, the living dead
But so many questions floating around my head
Confusions rains down, it pours
Pandora's Box, I've opened the doors
No sign of anyone who can help
No sense of feelings or of myself
Where I can find the answers
Who am I? What am I?
Am I a dream? Or am I the dreamer?
Am I a thought? Or a complex computer,
How do my thoughts start? What makes them end?
What makes me do this? What makes me do that?
I know I overanalyze, I can't help it
Thinking and gazing into space, as I sit
Why can't I accept the wisdom of those around
Not letting myself accept the answers I've found
I want to free myself from my mind
And not just to pretend
Everything's okay everything's fine
I want to be NORMAL... When it's going to end...

Anxiety rips me out of my sleep, a shock to my system like a bucket of ice water.
I open my eyes to see a demon hovering near the ceiling; fighting it will lead to my slaughter.

These demons cover the Earth like the oxygen we can't see.
One look into their eyes assures you several hours of misery.

I pull off my covers and step to the warm floor.
My teeth begin to chatter, sensitive to an elusive vibration that I've felt before.

Every muscle contracts; I notice the blinds are closed, yet a small beam of light still gets in.
They spy on us through the sunlight; it's hard to fight a battle that you know you can't win.

I quickly stumble to the kitchen to take my medication, hoping today's the day it starts working.
Tunnel vision increases the terror, knowing that the beast is somewhere close lurking.

I eat the fastest meal that I am able to find,
Then brush my teeth twice, because I always throw up after the first time.

I quickly get dressed; with my head down I walk toward the car.
Hyper-vigilant to something you cannot see, aware of the fact that I must appear to act bizarre.

Each day is like reliving a bleak dream, every 24 hours repeating exactly the same.
When the tension becomes too great I'm forced to distract myself with a different form of pain.

I get into my vehicle, driving to my monthly psychiatric appointment as fast as I can go.
The night before was a bad one; I took a hammer to the side my face to make the pain show

I walked into the building, trying to cover the side of my face that was black and blue.
I quickly sat down, noticing some of other patients could see the demons too.

Some people think we are terrified of other people, but that simply isn't true.
I'm terrified of the demon that is standing between me and you.

It only took a few months before this doctor stopped pretending to care.
It's always the same questions, just wanting my new medication so I could get the hell out of there,

So I can race home, splash some water on my face and take a deep breath,
Because that was only two hours and there's still twenty two left.

I hear them there everyday,
Why will they not go away?
They tell me that I'll be betrayed,
Will it be really be that way?

They fill my brain with thoughts and doubts,
Will I ever make it out?
Of the hell that I am in,
I don't think I'll ever win.

I'm sure they've taken over me,
The voices make me want to flee,
They make me want to cry inside,
but I know that I can't hide.

It's like I'm a hundred different people
I never have it all figured out
I don't think I ever will
Maybe I have myself all wrong
Thinking about it my heart wants to stop
I just want to rest
This fresh start is a runaway in disguise
I'm weak, I will not face anything
You can knock me down,
I guarantee you I won't get up
I'm struggling to take a deep breath
My lungs will soon give up
Well what are you waiting for?
Help me load this ......
Guide me to the top of this building
And watch me fall
I'm lost and no one will shine a light

There's a cold dark corner
in the back of my room,
it speaks to me
and says I'm coming for you.

As I lie on my bed
in the fetal position,
my eyes are closed
hoping and wishing.

Maybe that one day
my dreams will come true,
that I don't have to be here
so down and blue.

The corner keeps talking
about how I'm going to die,
all I can do
is lie there and cry.

As the corner gets closer
and takes me in,
my soul starts to burn
as so does my skin.

My bones shall lie there
turning to dust,
my bed surrounding
nothing but rust.

feeling so down @Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member@BlueBay@Determined