The monster in me

Hi,

This is the first time I'm seeking out in a forum. I was searching the internet for days and found lots of answers but nothing really fits completely. I will seek for professional help but I also want to know if there is someone here experiencing similar.
I try to make it as short as possible. I have my life under control. I can cope with difficult situations, I am in general stabil. I have to deal with (short) depressions from time to time but have learned to deal with it. I even did a coaching education myself to work on myself... BUT:
If it comes to love, to deep emotions, I snap. I'm unable to handle the feelings. I feel hurt or pushed away in situations which would look reasonable to feel like it but it is not the fact. I just FEEL it. It's not real. I can handle ok until a certain point. If I don't get a reaction on my seeking out to that person - often just because this person needs time! - I suddenly snap. And I snap badly. I send very bad messages, full of hurtful stuff, accusations. I am aware I am destroying everything but I think I have to do this to end it, to stop hoping all will be good, to stop waiting. I make it up in my head that this person plays with me, wants to hurt me.

I also deal with anxiety and panic attacks. The last couple of months it got worse. I moved into another country some month ago, had to leave my home and started a new job I don't like. I recognized all these feelings and worked on it. I also do mindfulness and meditation. It was ok. But I also developed bad compulsive thoughts like I have to hurt someone. Not often but it happens. This is very scary. So, I worked harder on my coaching and also started to work physically out a lot. I managed to accept my situation with job and being in a foreign country alone. I did very well. I am in general a very strong person.

But now it happened again. My ex-partner, I love a lot, came to visit me as we started to have contact again after nearly 2 years. I snapped even worse when we split up. I have worked hard on myself and we both thought I have changed. The first two days it was good, we came close again, it was amazing. We have such a connection. But suddenly I felt hurt again by a situation. We ended up in silence and first I was really reasonable and loving. But when the silence remained for some days, I snapped. I know my ex-partner just needs time to think, digest, but I suddenly wasn't able to see that anymore and started to message soooo bad things. I then want to destroy everything to stop it but of course it makes it so worse.

I feel like I'm Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. There is a monster in me I cannot control. It sabotages my life. I sabotage my life. Why do I do that? I even hurt my best friend, who has nothing than love for me in that moment.

I think more and more that I'm seriously mentally ill. I need to find out what's wrong with me, how to handle this monster in me. Anyone out there experiencing similar? And if yes, how do you work on this? I'm a bit scared of psycho docs as in the past I was mistreated a few times. It's not just going away with pills...

Thanks for reading and - Merry Christmas!