Day 2 of the 9th new med for my partner

Is it just me or do the episodes seem to drag out like some form of mental torture?
Day 2 of my partner on a tricyclic and I don't really know if I can make it through the next week with her let alone the wait and see part of if this medication may help or worsen things. It's Christmas and I can't believe I'm here again, still going through this. Sometimes I wish it were me with the depression, just to be able to check out when I feel like it. Treat my partner like rubbish cause I feel like rubbish. Run when I feel like it's all too much and chase when I think I may have pushed too far. You'd think my loyalty and commitment would be enough to at least have her consistently communicate, even when she's not good. But the fact is, I get treated this way and the answers I get are, I don't know. I'm not sure. I don't know if I want this. Not what I really need, which is; I don't feel anything toward you right now, I'm not well, hang in there, this will pass.
Just so disillusioned.
It's been 5 years we've known each other and two years together. Marijuana use has spun the depression out of control and it's the drug use that kicks in that renders her so completely numb & so completely detached from me and everything.
I used to think I was a committed person/partner. Im starting to question that because this is pure pain.