Health kick

Hi I recently quit cigarettes and watched some ted talks about nutrition and mental health. It's been good had my down period and I've also quit my anti physchotic meds as my liver had elevated count, and I gainned weight with it. I had my Xmas with my sons and made it huge overspent but worth every penny. I keep not allowing myself to get sad ATM as I will spiral due to the season. But I've had many triggers and nightmares as of late about my ex. But I'm avoiding it and pushing it down and distracting myself from the emotions that destroy my peace. I'm a bit worried tonight about Xmas day as since my sons have not been with me I hid unless I was manic and used sleepers to sleep the season away. But I don't use any sleepers or stuff anymore and have no access to it by choice. I had my Xmas day already in my eyes. A friend also said done serious suicide jokes after I wished her a happy bday as I know her she put it as a joke but I fear she underneath meant it. What do I say par are u really ok and reply was just joking. It also triggered me as I lost a friend last year and this year came very close to ending it myself. Hard. I've also been chatting to myself and inner voice which I think is god is replying is that ok do other Christians hear it too?? Just doubting things too much ATM but I'm ok truly