My daughter wants to end her family relationship with my schizophrenic son

HI, i have a schizophrenic son (24) he has refused to have anything to do with his siblings (younger). it is very difficult to keep them apart but i also think it is better for the siblings not to see him as he is very very unwell and violent at many occasions. it is too heartbreaking for us as parents so why put your kids through as well? i think they have the right to enjoy their life. though it is very difficult to have 2 seperate lives as parents. to care for the unwell person as well as the others. if it is managable...? life is just too hard and too much suffering.

i understand your daughter and i would respect her decision. she might change her mind and will see her brother when she is ready... give her time and space i think.

good luck. we are all in the same boat... sadly...

I do hope you can find some kind of resolution to your dilema. I can't give any answers sorry - I feel the need to mention my dilema which is similar and still searching on how to solve it.

My husband is in Psych Unit at the moment and has been for 4.5 weeks. During this episode he has acused my daughters' husband (Not directly to him but to my daughter) of sexually abusing his three young daughters. He has also had some bizaar conversations with his 6 year old grand daughter.

My daughter suffers from anxiety and her fathers' episodes seem to bring them on more easily. She messaged me after I had left my hubby with her and her girls for a while, that things he was saying to the girls just made her feel fearful and very sick. She was extremely scared.

I don't have any concerns regarding my husband being violent, ever. But this has obviously upset my daughter to the point that she doesn't want to see him or have him around her daughters.

I have told this to G (My husband) and at the moment it is not of great concern to him, as he is still so unwell. He just thinks he has addressed something that needed addressing and couldn't forgive himself if he let it go.

G and J (My daughter) have always had a very close bond (he was mr mum while she was a baby). I know that when G is well enough to come home and finds that J doesn't want anything to do with him, it will break his heart. He is a very caring father and grand father and abdsolutely adores his grand daughters and wouldn't hurt them for the world.

G is settling from my previous post a few days ago, however I still have a hell of a lot of thinking to do before he comes home. Most of all trying to work out how to deal with all of this.

So sorry for taking over your conversation and not being of any help - i just thought this is so similar to my situation, that if any one has any tips I would also be very grateful. We are usually a very close knit family - but lately not so. very sad.

Hello @Barbara @Cat64 @111 @LTS

how are you all?

how are your loved ones managing with their schizophrenia?

I feel for you all....my son has fled the state and lived away over a year now since CTO expired..

there are long periods of no contact...no response....then many of needing money...exhusband does not set boundaries unfortunately....I have given money setting boundaries at the same time..

my son is on no medication for his diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia..

of late from what he tells me when he is not delusional....he is being denied access to some places...admitted and checked over by two doctors at hospital when fronting up for a sprained ankle...he is outraged...all confirming to me that his illness in far harder to disguise...

today is his birthday....he contacted me yesterday accusing my now husband of so many things...today I have received a dozen text messages warning me about my husband....

I started back on medication to be taken when needed yesterday and again just now....I am also having tests for heart condition and bloods...some question marks there...

my husband tells me that I must not answer his calls...he sees what a mess I am...

I cannot bring myself to do that...I just remind him of what is not acceptable to hear and reset boundaries again...I dont think he hears anything of what I say as he verbalises his delusions...for me I feel that I am still letting him know that I am here only under certain stipulations protecting myself and other family members.....this I am telling myself...my self-care plan...not working in the least today I have to say...just doing the stuff...

his younger brother witnessed his gradual demise and experienced delusional and aggressive bouts directed at him whilst older son living with his dad ...my ex husband...

I agree that whichever family member...sibling..makes the decision that they feel unsafe and affected by the illness...they have the right to make that choice for themselves...we all have that as individuals..I too have the right as his mother to still answer calls...sticking to telling him what I will not tolerate...at the same time hopefully something is getting through that his mum still loves me...

in response to the latest threatening text messages...I replied that he is safe....I am safe...I do not talk about him to my new husband...my new husband also does not talk about him...

the text messages have now stopped..I am hoping that was enough to help him ride through his current delusions...

i have an awful dread inside that this time bomb is about to go off...he is no longer able to slip under the radar as he has done for the majority of his late twenties and thirties..

I do hope that you have some good news for me...I also want to thank you in advance for creating a space where I can write about my fears and anxieties in relation to a seriously unwell much loved son..

Hello @111, I have only just seen this post for the first time and I wonder how the situation with your son and duaghter played out. I gather you now have a grandchild who is toddling, and I hope that is a joy for the whole family. In my opinion there is absolutely no compromise on safety. Your children have every right to expect to feel safe when they are visiting and your son's behaviour poses a very real safety risk. I would be interested to know whether you were able to reach any compromise, but if I was in your shoes I would find a place for your son to go to when your daughter and grandchild visits. My background in relation to yours is that my father sexually abused my daughter when she was just five years old. I gave a similar ultimatum to my mother that your daughter gave to you - I will not visit if he is there. In the end she decided to leave him and move into a place of her own. Wise move. I also have some very needy mentally ill children, one of whom has schizophrenia, so understand the complete vulnerability of an unwell adult child.

Hello @perseverer

how is your son dealing we pith day to day life having schizophrenia?

can I ask is he having depot injection ?

Sorry I have had. A couple of traumatic days in a row with son ..his brirthday..with my sister..my mum..and tonight my husband

my medication is kicking in

would like to be able to chat more during the day tomorrow if you are available and is not burdening you

mohill

Hello @Former-Member, I have been wondering how you and your son are and really sorry to see the stress and angst. Don't forget to look after yourself especially at these particularly stressful times. My son was not having depot injections, just his regular anti-psychotic in that preferred method. He is complaining of feeling drowsy and I just said, "Yeah, but that's better than psychotic" and he agreed. I am fortunate in that he is a gentle, loving soul and compliant with his treatment. But his younger brother is a different story. He is in denial and very autistic. Bad OCD, bad ADHD. I got him some ultra glare glasses and they work really well, also some of those noise blocking headphones. But until he recognises that he has a problem and needs help he is not going to make any progress into adulthood. Feel free to chat any time btw.

And how does my eldest son cope with day to day life with schizophrenia? He does push himself to get out of bed, shower and dress and go for walks. Because he finds it so hard to concentrate often the only other thing he can do is oscillate around different people and just sit with them. So every day my husband takes him out somewhere for a coffee. He does a few chores in the home, meets with the various people in his support network, and has long chats with me when I come home from work, mainly on the subject of his addictions which are a constant source of anguish to him. I frequently encourage him to report on how he is feeling, even though doing so makes him feel guilty. But I have a clear picture of what is happening to him on a day to day basis, and often his moods are changing. We have some simple ground rules we follow eg if he is psychotic he is not allowed to leave the house. If he is depressed he must think of some ways to feel more comfortable. If he is anxious we do the basics of healthy living check ie water, fresh air, clean linen, relaxation exercises etc or go out for a pedicure which is incredibly relaxing. During psychosis he becomes incoherent and cannot answer questions, so my husband and I are especially vigilant and tag him around while we do our various bits and pieces.

Hi all,

Thank you everyone for your amazing support and words of encouragement. It is now about 2 years since I first posted about my daughter, her pregnancy and my son with schizophrenia. I truly listened to the advice you gave me and now, 2 years on, things are 'fairly' settled. It was a very, very, very rocky road to begin with. My daughter and her partner were extremely protective once their beautiful daughter (my first grand-daughter!) was born. My son was not allowed to see the baby or come to any family events when the baby was there. This broke my heart, but I understood. It also broke my son's heart, but he also understood. However, we finally got together for a family birthday when the baby was a year and a bit old. it was very tense, with my daughter placing firm ground rules, such as if my son looked at the baby or talked to the baby she would leave. However, we got through it - just. Since then, we have got together for all major family events and the ground rules have lessened somewhat. My daughter now allows my son to look at her daughter and talk to her. This is so wonderful. My son rarely engages with his niece as he is in his own world most of the time, but he likes that he is surrounded by family and not excluded. My daughter has made it clear that she will not trust her brother with the baby on his own but, taking into consideration how much she has softened in her attitude, this is reasonable. I can only hope that things either stay the same (which I will be eternally grateful for) or get better. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, life simply takes its course and unfolds is it's meant to. I am so thankful that my family is still together after such a difficult road. I don't expect it to be easy-going, it never has been, and I expect many ups and downs, joys and disappointments, but family is so important that it is worth every ounce of energy put into it. To all the well-wishers and to those going through their own struggles, I wish you all the very best. Hang in there. Stay strong. You are all amazing and your families are so fortunate to have you in their lives!

oh @perseverer

you are doing an amazing job...

your son is doing an amazing job..

your husband is doing an amazing job..

the adjective amazing does not come anywhere close to describing your efforts...ordeals...triumphs no matter how small..

thank you for responding and sharing..

my son is not with me and now not speaking to me again so I am not sure where he is....I do know that his capacity to disguise his illness has slipped dramatically...

it breaks my heart to think how hard all of this time he has worked to disguise any signs of illness despite even being under the realm of two psychiatrists earlier on..

he now believes that just about everyone who has been in his life has plotted against him...not me yet..however belief that my husband has...is endangering his trust level with me..

I do struggle with the time that it takes for such a debilitating illness as they describe it to be prescribed in this day and age...

as for you initially precautions taken then ....your insistence

I could go on forever about his delusions...some I believe are quite justified actually...

utmost and foremost is for him to know no matter what I love him unconditionally

as yourself and your husband have clearly demonstrated for your son...

I am speechless