@heartathome Thanks for your response sorry i was not clearer, for some reason i assumed you knew about DID.
i provide a link to a medical explanation of DID i recommend you read this before you read on.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9792-dissociative-identity-disorder-multiple-personality-disorder
As far as i understand myself i have developed three main alters. A paranoid self and a religious self i developed a small child going through childhood fears, fuelled by evil voices and hallucinations. Not sure if i suffered from psychosis before or developed psychosis during this time. i do know that my psychosis is always triggered by overwhelming emotional input so the latter could easily be.
Not that i understood any of this as a child, or even a young adult, but i always knew something unexplainable went on for i could switch alter from being overly religious into a person so scared that even things i could normally easily achieve i would bulk at, not understanding why i would be like that. And then later on in life hating myself like that and thinking myself a faithless weasel. i have always wanted to not be in my other alters only in my religious one, for, so i reasoned, i would be a good believer. (My parents always told me to have faith when i came out of bed crying, and then the evil voices would go away, but they never did, and i freaked those voices for many years before i became 'hardened' to them. So as a child i concluded it was my fault i heard evil voices, others were brave/old/mature enough not to be scared of the devil for they had faith in Jesus and i did not.
My raging alter is a different story altogether and in this self my nightmare has really taken off. For i developed this alter going through the evil voices after my sexual assault and me raging in my psychosis times which i had never done before. Soon after this assault i got into occultism this made the voices even much more meaningful at the time, and totally wrecked me befriending them. As a matter of fact, before i developed my raging alter, i thought my psychosis was merely my fantasy/imagination talking to me for i had not linked my paranoid alter as part of this condition, but only as a lack of faith i had to overcome growing up a good Christian like others who were not scared of evil/satanic voices like i always was.
This is how i struggled through my teenage years hating my life already behind the scenes. And if it had not been for Jesus calling me back into the faith at 16 i know things would have gone badly wrong in my life. For i had already stood before the judge at 13, this is how quickly my childish, also caring for others life, turned into a i do what i like no matter if it is bad. And just before i found Jesus in my life had been kicked basically out of high school not attending. (For i i wanted to work instead of go to school.)
Yet this is also where the split inside myself got far worse. For i tried to put myself to death in my raging and fearful alters, seeing myself as such as me in my old self at the time. However i could not of course. For each time i cycled into my raging one i would not want a bar of God, Church, loving people instead of hating them or being a law abiding citizen.
And so Jesus still made something good out of me leaving life in crime behind and following a strictly religious Church based life, as my parents had wanted me too all that time and me in my religious alter.
Now the drug i began using at 29, finally made my raging alter disappear, as well as my paranoid alter, although not completely, but good enough to gain control of myself in this alter most of the time, instead of being overcome by fear and hiding away in my bedroom (or bushes or any dark, lonely place outdoors.)
Although i did not realise all this at the time, but erroneously thought i had overcome the devil and now had faith in all of my self. A big mistake, that ended up costing me my happiness and the happiness of my family. For I did myself in (sabotaged myself) with my raging alter. The raging alter i had kept hidden from view for 14 years to my wife and family. Always hiding away pretending to be sick, if not really sick, when i was in that self. Understanding mysedlf a dangerous person, for in this self i hated everyone, including myself, and was fuelled by the evil voices that controlled me when i was in this self. Fuelled by raging voices totally anti God and anti me the religious and paranoid self. Where i had so cruelly denied me being myself keeping both the raging and paranoid alter suppressed seeing myself as unworthy/ungodly to exist like that.
i know this must sound very confusing and it sure was to me. And all of this never came to light after i received excellent counselling to treat my what i thought was P.T.S.D at the time from my sexual assault, that was all the way in 2016, only 9 years ago.
This man, himself a trauma victim and qualified psychologist, teaching me skills to use to help me redo/relive unload my trauma memories an adult and changing my mind about the decision i had made then a traumatised child. It has been this process that brought my alters to light. However 'officially' i have been diagnosed as schizo effective and suffering from P.T.S.D. the C.P.T.S.D did never come to light until 2016.
So now after i in my religious and paranoid alter have merged Jesus had me cut down on my meds. The meds i mainly use to stay in this alter, so Jesus can fix me here, has been transformed into calming rather than an uplifting drug, and therefore i do not cycle out of this self, nor does it stop the evil voices. (But is really good treating psychosis if i mix it with a small amount of uplifting meds, to keep the evil voices out, at the same time.)
i know if i use my uplifting version of the meds, i will soon cycle out of this alter. It has been 36 years using this drug for me to want to even want to use it in this alter. For i hated it ever since i first started using it to be help against the pain of a crippling back injury i got a bricklayer studying to become a youth worker. (this is the problem with alters i become a different person when 'm in one.)
So yes i have in this alter always HATED the religious god i served in my religious alter, and me being a paranoid weasel in my 'faithlessly fearful' alter. It has been really hard for me to eat humble pie and see Jesus save the alters in me i hated. While all i was able to do is rage at god for making me as i turned out to be, Him passing me by without faith in Him. For i was convinced God was going to send me to hell when i died physically for i new i was always overcome by those evil who by now i had come to hate more than i ever hated anyone.
So although life is really hard right now. i know that soon i will be able to die to the evil that still has me captive in this self, and the faith in Jesus i share myself within myself to myself, will also make me loving, fearless and and bring an undying faith alive in me, like He has done for me in my other alters. So i finally dare have hope healing will come and i can merge safely into my daily life all alters. Especially because raging at Jesus has basically died in me and has been replaced with mourning Him for i missed out on Him for so long hating life. So yes i'm awaiting Jesus revealing Himself to me as well in myself, and i will be ready for Him and not burn the life in wrong that still holds onto me, as has been each time He came before for me in my other alters, and i freaked His hell coming to visit in real life. (Which sure loosened the grip of the wicked in charge at the time, but did not renew me inside out or give me a new purpose, like i received in my religious and paranoid alters, (talk about being left behind.)) This is where i'm at now. Awaiting Him with hope for new instead of fearful anger.
Not sure if this is clear enough. It is very difficult even to write about this and stay at peace within myself doing so, for i have different selves wanting to contribute how i have been merging in Jesus but i have separate alter experiences, so this is the one you are after for this alter me.
Blessings.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvzkQhX1WJk&list=RDHvzkQhX1WJk&start_radio=1
