@ENKELI Thanks for explaining this. So i understand you need confirmation. i'm in the same boat myself today with lots of people in my life.
All day i have been chased by this constant negativity, a mood that makes me irritable, in the past aggressive, like stay away from me, leave me alone, piss of kind of mood.
i've been struggling in my raging alter with this mood big time. It is so easy to rage at those who have hurt me, and been/are unfair, or down right evil. Even this morning i coped a dose of very unfair and unjust treatment.
It is so unjust what such happens. And then when i hurt such treatments i begin to rage inside why did my life needed to be f-ed up likes? Why will it never stop? When will i stop caring what they others think of me? Would pleasing them make them happy, are their words not just sticks to hit with? All the while i've been nauseated like crap and sinking lower by the minute since shortly after 10am
So i do understand a little how you must at times. My dad used to sneeringly put me down with the words 'you excel as professor of the I do not know anythings' when i asked an question he thought was absurd.
The sad thing is that as a kid i believed him. i tried so hard to please him. But no matter what i did he would always find fault. At school did not well teachers calling me lazy for i dreamt of all the time and would not do my work. So i understood myself to be barely able to learn anything and was a good for nothing like my dad said i was. And this is why he did not love me.
Yet years later when i ended up in college i found out to my surprise that many of the questions i had struggled with as a kid and teenager, and dad had ridiculed me for, i found back in shelves of 400 page + philosophy books, and even whole units dedicated answering these kind of questions. Only then did i realised, i was not dumb and stupid, but that countless other people had also been busy with such questions.
Yet i even though i found out i could think and was not stupid later on in life, i did not stop seeking approval. Only today Jesus discussed this with me in while going through it, sharing my hard time with Him. He showed me how i never ever trusted myself, even though i knew for sure what i did or said was true or right. (check, check and double check for imagine i said it wrong, or worse did something wrong.) For i still think that somehow i said something wrong and what would people think of me if i said had said something wrong or painful?
This showed me how when i hungered for love and acceptance, i look keep looking at others for validation, and acceptance and cane badly when this is not forthcoming, when i am in this mood. And how when i am in this mood i'm NEVER GOOD enough! As if people feel it it time to give it to me that day.
The worst is, Jesus showed me today again, that when i do not get my need met at such times, i cave in to my depressive feelings big time. And when the negativities takes over the nausea will peak, and my mood will be like tumbling down a bottomless pit!
Shocking how strong these feelings can be! So i think i might relate with you here. For today i've really been struggling to keep up with Jesus. He wants me away from being here, but i keep on clutching to unfair, they are wrong, they must change, they say, they want, they think, they feel, they do, (behind my back) and all the distrust i have build up wanting people to validate me.
While Jesus loves me in real time, never reproached me during all this time even me doing it wrong. He never accused me of wrong doing, he never told me to be like this or that. He only invited me to give myself in this ugly mood to Him to take care of, and i have struggled ever since............
It can be so hard to deny oneself, and accept what i cannot see as end result. Ignore the negativity pounding and taking responsibility. Not suppress my anger but share myself with Jesus so He can take it from me. These are really hard lessons for me. Even when i know that with Jesus all will be well, yet for some unknown reason i hold on to the life inside that is hurting me.😒
i keep crying unfair, unjust, not me but them, not even looking at Jesus, not even really knowing why i would keep doing this, at such a crucial times, knowing that only when i lay down my bad life can His good life be resurrected in return.
i know The Truth intellectually but when will i live Him?
