Christian Chat

@ENKELI @tyme @Shaz51 when I was a kid we always had fish on Fridays - every week. I now have meat perhaps once a week, almost never on Fridays.

I'm not sure if the 40 days of Lent reflects at all on the 40 days in the wilderness.

@ENKELI I don't know much about lent or passover, but I do know that people in my church call the Tuesday before lent "pancake Tuesday" because apparently because according to google it's a way to use up the eggs, milk and butter, the more rich fatty foods, also apparently called shrove Tuesday.

Where this originated will require more research.

Gah, I'm all befuddled and mixed up

So there's this mum's Bible study and while I was homeless I never knew where I would be or how far away I'd be staying and was using more fuel and so stopped going.

Then when I got a place I used the drive as an excuse that I was 35 minutes away but I'm realising that I actually didn't like it. I felt disconnected and that the mum's made all these assumptions about me that I wasn't a mum and I wouldn't be open and it just ended up hurting seeing these people with their children and them making assumptions about who I was because my trauma isn't common knowledge.

They talked about lack of sleep

School runs

Child development

Pregnancy

Etc

But I felt inadequate because they didn't really ask about me... my week didn't have those things

And they invalidated me A LOT, that I didn't know lack of sleep, so many assumptions were made about my life as an unemployed single woman, what troubles do I have?

I've found that now my car has less in it, I use less fuel, I could make the distance but did I actually want to? No.

I don't want to be gaslit.

But even negative company is still company...

So I was talking to my elder and I identified that I tend to deflect and make excuses rather than sharing how I feel. I think that's because my feelings have been invalidated before and by deflecting I don't risk that.

So now we're talking solutions to the loneliness I feel because of the lack of "family".

@Appleblossom @Dimity @ENKELI @tyme @Shaz51

Hearing you @avant-garde

I have uncertainty when dealing with a lot of social stuff, due in part to MY uncertainty but in part to the LACK of inclusion or awareness within the group.

Sometimes its in groups with a focussed demographic. Sometimes it is because a few dominant voices take over. I tend to overly adapt and stretch to fit in before I think it might be due to the other.

It is good you were listening to your inner self, taking on board your ambivalence, sifting through the issues and coming to the conclusion that the group wasn't right for you. That is a form of work.

I felt that way with a lot of informal female social situations. I just quietly slipped away.

There was one mother's group I went to as a foster mother of small baby where I could relate to some of the issues, eg around lack of sleep but not in giving birth or breast feeding and had all sorts of extra complications with husband's ex and her family and Protective Services and their legal case while I was invisible and did all the dirty work.

Christian groups are supposed to be inclusive but we should not be forced to be other than who we actually are.

I am sorry you were also dealing with homelessness. Glad you have a car and more stable accommodation at the moment.

@Dimity I also wondered about the 40 days in the wilderness and Lent.

Then there is also the time from Easter to Pentecost.

I gather from my research over the years that the lectionary evolved as a way to formalise regular group and individual spiritual practices and traditions. I see wisdom in the repetition and the rituals and the cyclical nature of time.

@ENKELI @avant-garde @Shaz51 @tyme

Lots of 40 day and 40 year events in the Old Testament too @Appleblossom .

Yes there's comfort in the cycles and repetition, a sort of predictability and stability maybe charismatic churches have less of? Dunno.

I listened to BBC Choral Evensong the other day,. I must indulge more often.

@Dimity and yet charismatic spiritual approaches have their depth and wisdom.

I don't want to be overly rigid about tradition and which brand is best, as being in the spirit is also fundamental to Christianity... Without getting into big C Catholicism or Fundamentalist Christianity.

I love words and study and keeping things open.

I appreciate the radical openness of Rixhard Rohr

Me too @Dimity

At church yesterday I spoke to a gorgeous 90 year old retired minister. Not sure whether he was originally Methodist or Presbyterian but he usually embodied a similar radical openness. That such people exist gives me hope

Lovely chatting

I have lost my belief that God loves me.

Nothing good has happened in my life in over 12 months.

I am obese. Nobody wants to hang out with me. Nobody wants to hire me.

I have no money to get my teeth fixed. I am so ugly with missing teeth and fat gut.

My house has been neglected by my brother while I lived elsewhere. It's good no one wants to spend time with me because I'm ashamed of the poor condition of my house.

It makes sense that my family would reject me in the various ways they have.

My church friends have left me, they are too busy for me.

I love God, I just wish He loved me.

Sorry for wasting everyone's time, I had no one else to talk to and I had to get it out before I felt like I'd break in 2