@Former-Member
I cried at church for two years after I left my husband. Should have realise then I was grieving - actually thoughtb somehow deserved it... had to 'suck-it-up' I stopped attending.
my and my big mouth have quite a lot to say about those couple of sentences....
I stopped going after I left my husband too. I felt too guilty.
A bit of background. We were both very involved in fellowship in our hometown. He was on the parish council and I was a worship leader. We both ran study groups at home. Our church family were very focussed on the things that I felt defined Christianity, that is, loving everyone and going out of your way to love the people who were different from you. "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another" .. John something.. I'm hopeless at chapter and verse.
We were taught on a Sunday by a minister who taught from the original Greek rather than any of the modern English translations so that the nuances of the meanings of simple words could be brought out. We learnt in historical and cultural context why certain things were phrased in particular way, and what their broader meaning and relevance to modern life might be.
My family and I moved to a different state capital and went to a half a dozen churches and couldn't find authentic Christian behaviour anywhere. Gossip and judgement and ministers who were too busy to speak with you... anyway, I settled on the best of a bad bunch because I then decided I was being too judgemental myself. The husband (not my current Mr S) and kids didn't like it and stopped going and eventually I was asked to leave because I was "too worldly". I suggested that if they struggled to accept me as a card carrying believer then good luck with outreach in the wider community. And that was that. 2006.
A year later the marraige was over. Long and complicated story which didn't work out in the end the way I'd expected it to- and I probably did the right thing in that he has been very, very happy in his new life - but I've not been inside a church since. People from my old life find me on facebook and I delete their friend requests because I am ashamed that I am not still married to the husband they knew.
That is completely irrational. The thinking part of my brain tells me that I did, in fact, serve my husband very well by freeing him from a toxic environment that was causing his mental breakdown and letting him regain himself and have a great life. I detest legalism, and yet there is another part of my brain that won't let go of the feeling that I did the wrong thing. At the time, my teenagers berated me for "lying to God" when I made my wedding vows. Now they both agree I did the right thing and neither have faith.
Today I don't know whether I believe, certainly not the way I used to. I hate the label "Christian" because of all the negative connotations... of smugness and self-righteousness and judgment and hypocrasy. I know it is only a few, but it is those few that make the news and that forge the public perception. If I'm asked, I say I believe in following the example of Jesus. That I know to be true.
These days, whether He is Christ, whether God exists even.. is not as relevant as my behaviour in the here and now. If I did not believe that, I would have stopped dating Mr S with all his problems after only 6 weeks and I wouldn't be mired in confusion and heartache three years down the track.
And with all that intellectualising... I still feel too guilty about leaving my husband to go back inside a church. S.T.U.P.I.D. But God is not contained within stained glass windows.
Maybe that's why God took my girl I often wonder. Or that clairvoyant my friend dragged me too... Maybe God was punishing me for that...
and now I must put on my "I've done a lot of Bible study" hat and say, very loudly,
IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.
If.. and I say again "if" any punishment is going to be done... well it's already been done. Meted out on our Lord on the Cross at Calvary so that you will not be punished for your wrongdoing.
"For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" -
ergo.... the only punishment under the new covenant* is to die - but we don't die because Jesus gives us life eternal - so we are not punished.
*"In the same way, after the supper He took the cup, saying, 'This cup is the new covenant in My blood, which is poured out for you."
- so all the old rules go out the window - don't go looking to OT rules to make yourself guilty
and lastly my sister
telling people how you really feel is not complaining..............
Heavenly Father, my sister known to me as EOR - known intimately to you, is hurting.
I pray today for her to feel your love above all else.
To understand the freedom given to mankind by Your Son.
To listen to the reassurance given by Your Spirit.
Give her understanding
Give her peace
Give her hope
I ask humbly ask these things for her in Jesus' name
amen.
