A work in progress...

Hi All,

As there are a lot of new folks, and as I have pretty much stopped posting in my thread on 'Something's Not Right' because, well, things are pretty good right now, I thought I might do my actual mental health story here.

This is pretty much the list I take when I see a new mental health worker as I hate paying for a full hour of JUST going through old stuff and the timeline, and because I get really annoyed when I mention something and the get all "ah-ha!" when it is old old news to me

* As long as I can remember - social and general anxiety, passed off for a long time as being shy, needy or difficult. Grew up dirt poor. Father quite psychologically abusive to my mother and siblings. Severe insomnia.

* Age 4-10 extensively sexually abused by family member. Won;t go into detail but I have internal scarring. Stopped at 10 when I finally 'told', but person continued to live in same house and no family dynamics chnaged towards them that I noticed. I later found out my parents had interpretted my telling as being a one off event. Also sexully assaulted by a friend of the family. Was taken to see a counsellor three times, but it was not remotely helpful and was too expensive.

* Age 12 onwards - Developed several different Eating disorders including anorexia (my periods stopped for a year), Bulimia - laxatives not vomiting, Bing-e Eating Disorder (this later in my 20s)

* Age 14 Social anxiety so bad that I routinely skip school. Like, a LOT. Probably 30% of year 8, and 40% of year 9 and 60% of year 10. I started Year 11 but I don't think I ever actually went. Self harm started around this time (year 8). Started self medicating with morphine (we had tonnes of it around as my grandmother was dying at our house for a couple of years).

* Age 15 - saw a 'counsellor' via the school as I was struggling a bit with the anxiety/ED/SH etc. Counsellor utterly screwed me over by telling my family everything had said to him in confidence, further more he told me he was going to tell them (after I spilled my guts of course) on Monday so I would have the weekend to 'come clean' (his words) of my own accord, but instead actually told them before I got home so I walked into a total hell-storm. Was incidentally also sexually assaulted by a 'friend' at this age.

* TOTAL destruction of my sense of family or connection - that is just flat out GONE. More or less total destruction of my family itself; my parents marriage, my mum's spirit. Everything irreparably broken by this idiot man's decision. Saw a (different) psychiatrist, got some official diagnoses of my ED an agoraphobia and was advised (but not compelled) to go into a MHU. Never did.

* Age 16 - left home as soon as I turned 16 and moved into a squat with several other teen 'runaways'. After several months I was placed in a youth accomodation service, and developed a pretty good relationship with my worker. No longer had access to morphine so came off that cold turkey, but SH increased a lot and started seriously abusing laxatives.

* Age 16+ - Social anxiety grew so severe that I could no longer leave the house, not even to collect mail, could answer the phone, open the curatins. When someone else was living in the flat I wouldn't leave my room. It was also a dodgey part of town and people broke into my flat several times. I relied of service workers and friends to bring me food.

* Age 17 - Moved to Melbourne with a friend. Social anxiety continued to be extreme and I was very restricted in my ability to leave the house for several years . I was eventually able to get work, but could not keep in a job for long due to my many, many, many absences. Self harm continued, ED continued - indeed was well fueled by working in hospo and being broke.

Age 21- first of many attempts to go 'back to school' which failed due to social anxiety. I never have managed to get ANY formal qualification, not VCE, not a Diploma, Not a Cert IV, though I have enroled in too many to count! Thousands aupn thousands of dollars wasted.

* Age 22 ED shifted from Anorexia/Bulimia to Bing-e Eating Disorder and I gained 80kg in one year. Self harm and social anxiety continued. Also was in a MAJOR motorcycle accident which screwed my body up pretty badly. I had previously been really active, but had a long slow recovery.

* Age 28 - my mum died suddenly at only 50 years old. I almost immediately went cold turkey on almost all forms of self harm (superstition that Mum could see me do it), certainly cut out all of the more srious extreme stuff and dialled it WAAAY back. Technically I do very very mild self harm on seldom occassions still. I went through a brief but serious bout of depression (NOT related to grief), and had NLP for it which helped a lot.

* Age 29 + Social and general anxiety generally manageable enough that I can hold down work, though I tend to move on after about 12 months in any place. Going out for social reasons very very difficult still. Self harm mostly gone and very under control. ED on the back burner, I no longer experience extreme bing-es, but I cannot diet without triggering all the ED stuff so I have remained morbidly obese since the initial gain.

Age 30 - Had really terrible experiences with neighbours for three years and have suffered lasting trauma as a result. Sounds ridiculous to be so affected by bad neighbours, but you literally spend every moment you are at home in a heightened state of fear - and given that NOT being at home did the same thing to me it really broke me. Became a total pothead.

Age+ 34 experienced three extremely damaging employers back to back - at the first of these I literally cried in the toilets everyday for a year, and was physically threatened when I eventually resigned. At the second I was treated well, but by a manger who treated EVERYONE else horrifically badly, including the abuse of her elderly and demented mother. She pressure me to also abuse her mother. I quit. At the third I was relentlessly bullied by my manager (I had the job, then she joined) to the point that I fell into depression which lasted for about 18 months until I quit and changed jobs. I had sought counselling at the time, but ultimately the easiest thing to do was quit.

Age 35 - Started work at my current (totally awesome) employer. Had moved into a home that we bought in quiet neighborhood. Things starting to come together, settle down etc. Still smoking VAST amounts of pot.

Age 36 - Took part in an insomnia study and learned how to sleep for the first time in my life!!!

Age 38 - My rapid progression in my job, (the first one I have ever stayed at for more than 18 months) meant my workload and the pressures on me became intense, had a bit of a breakdown. Joined the Sane forums, went to see a psychologist, got on meds, got diagnosed with Autism, stopped smoking pot.

Currently: Doing better than I ever have before in my life! Happy in my job and at home. For the first time in my life I don't feel like a "Bad Person", or a total failure of a human being.

Starting to get back into long shelved hobbies and exercise now that I have some mental space for it.

Would love to lose some weight safely.