My Story and where to from here.. (very personal)

@outlander@Phoenix_Rising@Sans911@Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member @AnnieJ @Evangeline @TAB @Shaz51

Hi all

I have been meaning to do this for a while now but I haven't really been able to articulate what is going on in my mind and how to explain it. But I guess it is best to just get all of it down and out there so it's not in my mind anymore.

If I have tagged you in this it is because we have spoken at some point in the past about things and i feel like you are part of my experience on SANE forums. So welcome.

This is a very long post so please stick it out.

I actually realised the other day that I haven't actually given much of an explanation about my experience with mental illness on these forums. I guess I never really found it necessary to do so. I think that has changed as I have gotten further along in my journey.

I was originally diagnosed in 2012, about mid way through the year. I was told I had depression after doing the DAS test/score system. I was put on medication as well.

I finished school in 2011 and subsequently signed up for a degree in 2012 that I ended up deferring and never going back to because I hated the university and hated the degree.

For the second part of 2012 I basically did very little.

I went back to uni in 2013 to do a BA and I am about to finish it in the next month or so.

throughout the course of the past 5 years I have struggled immensely with my mental health.. I have been suicidal and also been through different therapists and medications and also a few hospital visits whereupon they said i didnt have to be there because i wasn't overly at risk.

The past month or so has been very interesting to be perfectly honest. I have had to reflect on A LOT of my early childhood experiences and why they have impacted me in a certain way over my life.

I was bullied as a little kid, made to change schools in year 5 and also made to adjust to my sister's ill health as well. These are 3 experiences that have impacted my growth and development as a human I would say. I think they impacted my ability to see positives and also persevere. I must admit that it is indeed hard to see the bright side on some occassions.

I am now 24 and take 2 types of medication along with regular visits to my psychologist. I am still coming to terms with my diagnosis and condition. Often I ignore it and try to find another reason as to why I feel the way I do. This is very hard when I try to explain it to people.

I guess I have also experienced stigma as a result of my illness - whether or not it was intended doesn't matter too much tbh. I have withdrawn from people and avoided certain situations (be they social or work related). This also explains why I have struggled to become financially stable. I still don't have a part time job anywhere because of my mental health - not that it impacts my actual ability to perform tasks but because the way i view myself (very badly) holds me back from trying, persevering and implementing strategies to improve my situation. The tough love approach or fake it til i make it exhausts the shit out of me and simply does not work.

I fimly believe this is a trend that has occurred over the years and has really started to ingrain itself in my life - in many facets.

I have never had a girlfriend or any romantic relationship and this certainly bothers me. It bothers me for 2 reasons. Firstly, I want to feel accepted and loved in the context of romance because I believe this is something that makes life worthwhile. Secondly, it bothers me because more and more and more people around me (be they family or friends) seem to be able to find partners. I have tried over the years to get somewhere with people but it always ends up going nowhere and I can really only say that this occurs because I must do something, give off some vibe, or say something that turns people away. I probably do it without realising it. The scales are tipped differently for males when it comes to this sort of thing - it is weird or bad if you are a virgin male at the age of 24. Not so if you are female. That is the way that mainstream society and culture operate. It is evident in all aspects. However, the fact I don't fit in with that ISN'T what bothers me. What bothers me is the missing out on genuine connection, the fact that those around seem to be okay and finding their ground in life.

I am averse to showing too much of myself to new people as a result of being bullied, being thrown in the deep end and also failing in front of many people. This fear I have is informed by experience - not an irrational phobia. I was once afraid of dogs and had no reason to be - the solution was to get a dog and it worked wonders. What I had there was an irrational phobia. This situation is very different to the one I am in now.

There are a couple of experiences that I need to share in order to process this more too:

- Growing up I was quite religious. This wasn't forced or pushed on me in any way, shape or form. I came to know it via school. My folks sent me to a christian school because it was a good school. That's all. But what happened was that I took the religion seriously - becuase it was taught seriously. It WAS the truth. It was REALITY. It was REAL. No negotiation over that. This then meant I started to go to bible study and church and youth group a lot. This negatively impacted my self esteem as I was constantly told that I was undeserving of 'gods love'. It has no doubt played an intergral part in the way I view myself. Love and acceptance were part of this message I was taught, but it was always criss crossed with judgement and damnation. Those two things are not reconcilable in my mind - not in any moral sense anyway. The experience itself probably looked normal and healthy, but on the inside it did a lot of damage

- I would often meet with a religious figure who worked at the school i went to as well as being a member of the same church. I will refer to him as 'person a'. Person A was a revered figure in both the school and the church. He never abused me sexually and I need to say that here. I firmly believe however, that he did indeed abuse me emotionally and I was simply unaware of it at the time - because i believed what i was doing was right, true and honourable (gods will in other words). Growing up as a teenage boy means sex is something that is constantly on the mind. Welcome to puberty right? Well I would always have to bring this up with him because the religious element of my development as a young male. I remember distinctly being told that I had to get a grip on it otherwise i would be controlled by it and be led down a bad path. I was scared and also very judgemental on myself. I also believe this is why my sex life is non-existant at the age of 24 and why i struggle with any form of intimacy. There is a stigma associated with male virginity and i think part of it stems from the inability to be intimate. I quit religion despite doing a confirmation in year 12 and am now agnostic/atheist. I don't believe in an interventionist god and this isn't because of negative experience but because the central claims are nonsense in my mind and make very little sense when analysed critically.

- I was part of the band in my high school. This was a positive experience for the most part, however i have memories of the band instructor singling me out telling me that i had to pull my socks up because i wasn't good enough. I always felt as if I didn't belong in the band program. I remember before year 12 started, about considering dropping band altogether to try to focus on my HSC. I think it was better from a point of hindsight to stay because it distracted me from a lof the other crap that was going in my mind at that point. I also remember some of the other students in the band talking about me from a distance and seeing them do it on occassions. I was always treated differently. Even by those i thought were friends. Nevertheless, by the stroke of luck i actually saw this band conductor one day at my uni because he was on a school tour. I thought about saying hello but then I couldn't be bothered. Why should I even bother talking to someone who clearly didn't think I should've been in the band? He was a charasmatic teacher and was able to earn the respect of parents, teachers and students alike. I still shook his hand on the last day of school and thanked for his efforts because it helped me have a love for music. I was the only one in the jazz band to never receive an award for effort or improvement or anything. I got over that long ago, but I think about it sometimes.. reminds me how bad it was in my mind at that time. Nevertheless, at the start of this year I tried getting involved in the band program at my uni but then had to quit because i had too many memories of a hard childhood experience in music. I needed to play a part on my own and i did relatively okay at it but it was exhausting. Music is still however, a passion of mine and that has not changed at all.

- Team sport is basically non-existent in my life. I always struggled to fit in with teams. I never knew what or how to play the sports in a way that was good or normal. I remember being dragged to alot of the events by my folks because they were probably just doing it out of a sense of normality. Because it's the done thing. I remember flat out refusing to get my photo taken at AFL because i hated it so much. This is the case with all team sports. The closest thing I came to was reffing soccer because i could get money for that, even still there were still some instances were i came home in tears (even as a 21 year old male) where i would constantly beat myself up for how i reffed (because the players gave me all sorts of grief for bad calls). But it was more than just being mouthed off at by soccer players, it would take me back to a place where I have often found myself growing up (fear). Fear of judgement, fear of failure, fear of lack of respect, fear of condemnation. A common theme. I would look at myself on these days and realise just how pathetic I was - that reffing was my income and that I was a loser who never knew how to get laid or do anything right.

I think Ive said a lot and I honestly don't think that I've touched on a lot of it. I feel like I've briefly mentioned stuff. But that's the reality of my predicament I guess. I don't want sympathy and I don't want pity. I just want to be normal. On the outside I probably do look normal. But on the inside there is pain, anguish and torture. But over 5 years I have had to adapt and adjust to it. I've been through therapists like underwear and been on different meds and been to hospital (one time being admitted) and I don't really care.

This month has been wild for me. This whole year has in fact. I've lost a lot of people. It's hard and this forum will need to be a form of outreach to be honest.

Anyway. I will leave it there. I wanted to share this with you so that there is a common place in which I can share and come back to with a steady group of people on these forums - that's what i need, rather than just checking in randomly on other threads.

Thanks 🙂

Sharing all that was very hard.