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Constant thoughts of suicide

suzimoContributor13 Oct 2015, 11:44 am AEDT

Constant thoughts of suicide

Ongoing and persistent thoughts of suicide and how I would do it.. numerous previous incomplete
Yes I am still alive, yes I am working on wanting to live, it just a long lengthy process (over 10yrs) that I don't seem to be able to move on from.
Ive had dbt and cbt and nearly every medication known.... I now don't take any. I can regulate my emotions well generally and have been employed on and off due to self harm that I was able to stop 18 months ago... occasionally I do harm myself but not so brutally. I just struggle with the constant thoughts of suicide and the weirdly comforting thought that I can end it at any time becoming so draining emotionally. I don't hold on for myself but for my youngest son who would have nobody if I was to leave.

5 replies

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In response to: Constant thoughts of suicide

Unknown userMember13 Oct 2015, 1:42 pm AEDT

Re: Constant thoughts of suicide

Hi @suzimo

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. It must be exhausting to be battle those thoughts everyday. Reading your other posts I can see that you’ve been through a lot. Do you think that as the pain of all this slowly begins to fade, working on wanting to live might become a bit easier? It sounds like you’re definitely making progress – you’ve learned to regulate your emotions and the self-harm has lessened. Can I ask what kinds of strategies you’ve adopted to help with this?

@suzimo, it sounds like you have some great coping strategies, but if your urges do escalate, please be sure to reach out to a crisis service such as the ones listed below.

Lifeline

13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service

1300 659 467

Samaritans

13 52 47

In response to: Re: Constant thoughts of suicide

AppleblossomSenior Contributor13 Oct 2015, 10:07 pm AEDT

Re: Constant thoughts of suicide

Dear @suzimo hello

I dont really "like" your post but I can relate to most of it.

especially ... significant experience in managing self harm and ongoing suicidality ... some employability and hanging on for youngest son rather than self.

The things we mothers go through for our children.

Do you mind if I ask how old your son is?

I do hope you find respite and support on this forum.

regards Apple

In response to: Constant thoughts of suicide

suzimoContributor13 Oct 2015, 10:36 pm AEDT

Re: Constant thoughts of suicide

@Former-Member I have been struggling for such a long time that sometimes I find it difficult to know if I am actually progressing or if I am more going in circles. Mindfullness has helped somewhat as it can shift my focus long enough to keep going. Lifeline has saved my life more times than I will mention even when it has been beyond their couselling skills they sent the police to step in before I was able to complete suicide.
@Appleblossom my youngest son is 11. He has only met his father a handful of times and his father has declined to be involved in his life and moved interstate. He has only shown interest when child protection stepped into our lives during my really bad self harm episodes. At one point I needed major surgery and due to not knowing if I would live or not, they contacted his father but the magistrate ordered my son stay with his Grandpa, my Dad as my son had a good relationship with him. I do worry though if it were a more permanent situation they would look at long term he would be better off with his father due to his Grandpa's age. I can't do that to my son but ultimately depression is a tough gig and I think ultimately as long as my son is cared for that is the main thing. I have 2 older children also, 19 and 17. One at uni and the other yr 11. I know my kids need me but some days I am not sure if I am living or just breathing. My son said to me today, Mum you don't smile much.... I guess he is right... I have lied to myself and everyone around me because I don't want medication or constant therapy... most days I just don't want to wake up...

In response to: Re: Constant thoughts of suicide

AppleblossomSenior Contributor13 Oct 2015, 11:01 pm AEDT

Re: Constant thoughts of suicide

"Depression is a tough gig" aye aye ... but being a single mother is a tough gig too ... in a way you are dealing with a double workload.

I had a similar spread of age ranges with my 3 kids ... and these pre-teen and teen years are not easy ...

you might be surprised but one day you will be able to laugh again when the pressure eases. If I have laughed more in the last 3-4 years than in the previous 50 years ... it can happen for you too.

I can understand that you dont want to be on meds too much ... kinda clear out the system ... I have just put mine up but am pretty sure I will lower them when I have established some support. Apparently we are entitled to support in a caring role ... so I would hope you are getting support as opposed to just having psychotherapy "done" to you.

The world is simply not a level playing field ... all kids deserve a decent childhood ... you dont have to apologise to your kids for not being smiley ...

one thing my osteopath told me that really helped ... is that everybody goes through tough times ... but the fact that your children see you soldiering on and keep doing the necessary stuff ... is a reat role model ...

take care

In response to: Constant thoughts of suicide

Unknown userMember13 Oct 2015, 11:11 pm AEDT

Re: Constant thoughts of suicide

A lot of wisdom in you @Appleblossom

I'm sorry that you struggle so much @suzimo , I'm reading along and understanding a lot of what you are writing because I'm there too. I have two little ones and a single mama as well and it's so hard to keep going. I do wish there was a magical treatment that just obliviated the crap feelings and thoughts that exhaust me so much... Maybe one day!

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