Temper vs. Friends

Where is the line between blaming your mental illness for shitty behaviour and just making excuses, and addressing the fact that you do the things you do because you are literally sick and physically can not control it?

I can feel my emotions physically and I get angry, anxious or depressed very easily. I'm sure y'all know what I mean; a pindrop and suddenly my entire body is burning with rage.

I've gotten a lot better over time. I'm not violent towards other people anymore, for the most part. And the antidepressants help, along with getting a good night's sleep (yeah right) and avoiding hurtful situations. I try to be chill, I try so god damned hard. I rarely snap at people directly, but sometimes my tone or body language gives away my hurt or anger and I can't do anything about that. I don't know what to do about that. I've tried everything, and it's just a thing. I have intense, uncontrollable emotions. Hi, I have BPD.

My friends know this - they kind of avoided the conversation when I told them I got diagnosed, didn't really seem to care or want to talk about it. But I feel like they are always having a go at me for being so aggressive and short-tempered and mean. I swear I'm not that bad?? Over the past few months I've been pretty calm, I'm usually laughing in public, but I get irritated for once or two days because I missed my meds, and then I just maintain the reputation that I'm that way ALL the TIME.

I have a very crude and offensive sense of humour, and I am the type of person who insults their friends as a joke. Y'know, banter. I expect them to insult me back. I tell them constantly that I am joking, that I don't mean it, and if they agree with my insult I go "NOOOO YOU'RE NOT MEANT TO AGREE, YOU'RE FABULOUSSS."

Anyway, something I say a lot as a joke is 'shut up,' like as I'm smiling and laughing and clearly messing around. I guess I said that to my friend today, didn't even know that I did it, and he got mad. I couldn't tell if he was joking or not, I assumed he was. But then I got up and walked across the room and he said really loudly "Y'know Llamalord, sometimes you're really annoying." In a very serious tone. And I was like "??????" And I asked him what I did and he was like "If you tell people to shut up enough without context then no wonder they'll get annoyed."

And I just kinda sat there and I didn't know what to do, so I just started detaching and dissociating because I didn't know how to cope. I know it sounds like such a minor remark but there's so much punch behind it - he barely finds anyone annoying, but he thinks that of me. Thinks I'm a bitch. And my other friend was like "Well you are really aggressive and defensive and short tempered."

It's stuff like this that just escalates. Because I have no idea how to fix it, I can't stop the thing they hate about me, so in turn I think I should just totally socially isolate myself so I don't hurt anyone, but if I totally socially isolate myself it gets so much worse, and I basically settle on "Well, clearly the only solution is suicide." My self worth gets really really really low when I find out people feel that way about me, because I try so hard to be a good person and a good friend. But it's just in vain.

And it's like, I just have no idea what to do. I can banter with other people and they don't get offended, do my friends just need tougher skins? Is this them, not me? Because I feel like it's me, and I am just a horrible person, and I don't deserve friends because I only make everyone miserable.

I can't talk to them about BPD, they don't wanna hear it, they think it's just some excuse and I'm like bragging or whatever. Like I literally just mentioned BPD to my friend and she was like "BPD?" when I've literally tried to tell her all about it before. I have long distance friends and a long distance boyfriend I can talk to who understand, but no one where I live. I just feel so isolated and alone all the time, and like everything is my fault and I don't even deserve to be alive.
All of this from one little comment, plus a few others on top. What is wrong with me?