What is the right thing to do?

Your first sentence says everything unfortunately. You are his ex .... there is not much you can do other than what you have been doing already which is talking to him, his family and friends. I wish I could say more but I can't hopefully someone else will have something brighter to add to the conversation.

Thanks Greenpea.

At this stage I have't reached out to his family and friends yet as I'm not sure it is my place. After so long it's hard to know what the bourndaries are.

@rosey It is a tough one ... only you know what you can or cannot live with ... just remember he is your ex for a reason.

Hello @rosey,

It sounds like a really difficult time with your ex-partner. How are things going now?

I have tagged you over here as @dands26 has also recently parted ways with her partner. Although your stories are different, I thought the two of you might be able to share some ideas.

I’m also wondering if you have support for yourself as it sounds like things have been hard for a while. There are organisations that provide support to friends and family of people living with mental illness, including Carers Australia, Mind and the Mental Illness Fellowship.

I hope you are doing OK

Hi @rosey

I see that @Former-Member had tagged me over here and i have just read your situation.

I have just had my partner leave me due to his mental illness however our situations are different.

He has asked me to be his friend and support him and he hasnt closed off to us getting back together either.

All i can say is..

It is very hard to relearn the boundaries once you have been in an initimate relationship.

Firstly i think if he wishes to remain his friends you need to discuss and set down what the boundaries of this friendship are.

Secondly.. in terms of helping him, unfortunately sometimes you cant help somebody who is not open to be helped. I know that seems very harsh. My partner was very closed off to help also, he has only just realised that it is in his best intrest.

Also get somebody to talk to yourself, somebody qualified and impartial to your situation.

It can be a very hard time and friends can be very close minded to the situation. They will look at whats best for you and not an overall picture.

If you wish to talk further i will happily reply.

@dands26 it seems our stories are the same but different. I have been getting help myself and have realised I have things I have to deal with as well I just dont think I need to be on my own for it. Rather I think being on my own is making things worse. I am lucky I have my parents, he doesnt have anyone.

My x seems to be acting typically of mid-life crisis but def see PTSD and depression there. I have spoken to a Psychologist about his behaviour- as neutral as possible and that was also what she suggested (with out me making any suggestions) and seemed very concerned for him. Hes now hitting the bottle and behaving very uncharacteristically. It scares me, especially with his family history of mental health. It doesnt suprise me he has said he doesnt know who he is, he lost his mother, doesnt know who his biological father is and had a pretty horrid childhood, he has also got successful very early in his career and now doesnt have that much further he can climb so has little asperations any more.

I am taking the advise and giving him his space and allowing him to do this alone. Its killing me slowly everyday. Trying to accept that by doing nothing is helping is very hard. I dont think he is intentionally hurting me (friends say he isnt) but it hurts all the same. I still love him and want a relationship with him but am stuck in this limbo unitl he lets me know what he wants in the foresable future. I only know what he wants today which is to be separated so thats what I have to give him whether its good for my mental health or not, my health just doesnt seem to matter. He is still not ready to talk or reach out for help so not a lot I can do. Just try and help myself as best I can so if he ever decides to talk I'm ready.

Do you know what made your partner change his mind about getting help?

@roseyHis grief will be huge, and we all grieve in different ways. He may pull himself out of it, but you should keep a boundary about how he treats you. The best thing is to work on yourself and develop your own life and leave an opening if he wants to reconnect. Getting others involved would probably just complicate things and may make matters worse.

Hi @rosey

Mr f&h entered into a mid-life crisis 8 years ago, and this has spun out into an mi ...... as yet undiagnosed. We are still living out of the same house, and we are sharing time with the 3 adult children still at home, but he is very much living his own life, and has undergoing personality and values changes. Rather than hit-ting the bottle hope has hi-t the road ..... jogging and excercising excessively 7/7 ..... and rigidly regulating a “clean” diet that means he isn’t eaten eating with us ..... not our food and not our meal times.

Recent intervention on behalf of our younger son has seen his behaviour come under medical scrutiny, and having been told that he is too controlling, he has pulled back, and his almost daily rages have dramatically reduced, so we are breathing more easily as a family now, however I will say that it is the same for your situation as for ours .....until he realises there is something wrong with the way he is living and the choices he is making, there is precious little we can do. Even leaving is very likely to result in a firestorm that can do as much damage as staying, or more ....., and in the event that he is treated and recovers, staying together means that we may be able to recover as a family. Undergoing a firestorm would take that option off the table.

So. As much as it pains you to see him like this, he is living the outcomes of his choices, and those outcomes will only change when his mindset changes. Your responsibility lies with looking after yourself and other family members who you have reciprocal relationships with. Be kind to him, and respect him, in this lost state, but protect yourself from his consequences also ..... don’t take them on as your own. If you feel he is a serious danger to himself or others, that is the time to call for emergency services and an intervention, but he won’t thank you for that either.

There is something called a cycle of change ..... or stages of change. Here is the model.

After 8 years we are still in the Pre-contemplationstage, because mr f&h has resources enough to keep himself comfortable in what he is doing, however it is unsustainable and cracks are beginning to show. Your ex might reach that place where he realises that life is not working very well for him much earlier than this, however it is still likely to take a few years. You have a life to get on with in the meantime .....

I hope this helps .....