Hard being in my situation

Today was my eldest son graduation. I couldn't attend. I'm not allowed to attend. All because of stigma. No lie. So even though I am use to this grief. Special days like today, moments I miss. My son doesn't get to stand in pride to his mum and me his mum missing the joy to share with him. No photos, not even a memory just in my mind. Missed and it's out of my control. Then it's pre Christmas time. I haven't shared 25 th if December with my sons since 2008 Christmas. I'm tired that I can't share just positives and the good times we shared on Saturday. But being real here and not faking that I'm ok today like I have been in the real world. I seem to have a voice,. I still feel insecure about sharing the loss of my children, that people would see my side as a lie. Or I must of done something bad to have my situation. I was post trauma during my court days, anxious, not having support, and then judgement. I have people here who know I'm true. But are in a helpless situation to help change it like me. And mentally if I'm honest it has had a huge impact on my mental health. So really I'm struggling today.