Managing clutter?

Hi @CannonSalt ! 🙂

I see that you are quite new to the SANE forums, so I want to say a quick warm welcome 🙂 I hope that you find this community helpful, and continue to share your experiences and stories.

I'm curious to know whether the clutter in your house makes you anxious at all?

I'm sure there are many people on here that will be able to relate to you. When I need to deal with excess clutter in my home or in my life, I start slow and tackle it one day at a time, so that I don't make myself overwhelmed with the (what seems like a HUGE) task at hand.

Do you live by yourself? Is there anyone (close friend or family member) that can help you manage all your stuff at home?


I remember reading an article a while back which stated that researchers uncovered genetic factors that contribute to the expression of excess cluttering behavior. I've linked it here if you are interested.

Hope all is well at this time,

Zahlia

Thanks. 🙂 I live with my parents, my siblings have moved out.

The clutter does make me anxious, but when I get into a 'cleaning mood', I focus my energy on the common areas of the house. If I didn't, there would be no space for me to sit and watch TV, or eat my breakfast. Maybe they're trying to 'clutter me out', LOL.

When I have cleaned up my room voluntarily - when I try to think to myself 'my room is my sanctuary', whatever, my parents have come in and been smug about it, like I'm finally doing the right thing, and that wrecks it for me. I hate having anyone come into my room, no matter what its state, because there's immediate judgement.

If they don't smug it up, my mother will wreck it by trying to decorate my room for me. I am not permitted to throw any decorative item she gives me out - she reckons that means I don't love her, or that I'm deliberately throwing it away just because *she* gave it to me, and there are massive arguments. I feel anxious about having to ask permission to throw anything 'valuable' out - even though sometimes she's said yes.

For the longest time, I associated a certain amount of haphazardness with 'being myself'. I can still be myself if I were tidier - I've just gotta work out a way to be tidier that works for me.

The last time my room was cleaned involuntarily, I was away for a month attending my grandfather's funeral. I was livid and shattered - and to add insult to injury, the rest of the house was still a pigsty. I don't see my room as being significantly messier than the rest of the house, it was just easy for them to do it to me instead.

Sometimes I ask my father for help to clean the rest of the house when it gets to the point where I have to clear space to exist in the common areas. He used to tidy up the house more, but he got tired of trying. My father tries to bribe me to pick up off my floor by telling me he'll vaccum my room for me, (I find it too difficult to manage without breaking it) but he doesn't give me enough warning - I could pick up, and he wouldn't vaccum, or he'd be vaccuming and make the offer, and I've got something else I have to do. I've suggested that if he did it regularly or predictably, it'd help me prepare for it, but he reckons I should always be ready for the vaccum. That, to me, is too much effort. Sometimes I sweep.

One thing I like to do is to carry one or a few things at a time to their destinations, which irks my father. If I do that, then I am gradually cleaning, taking breaks from any stray dust-bunnies, and He prefers to sort and store his stuff in boxes - but whenever I've done that, I only end up with a floordrobe and boxes to dodge because I feel like I'm not allowed to throw things out.

Thanks for the article - I'm not sure how it tells me anything I don't already know, though, beyond the expert's potential stamp of confirmation. 🙂 Cleaning gradually seems like a good idea, lets me get used to the notion. What to do with papers, letters, etc. in particular is an area that I draw a blank on. 😉

At the moment, I'm not keen on 'asking for someone to come in and tell me what to do'. My last psych and his colleague were unethical - and I'm in a very independent frame of mind. I'm not sure I can work productively with another psych at this point. I'm not sure how to convey the magnitude of the crappiness, or to ask questions about some of the things I felt, without breaking the rules of this forum, either.

Thanks for the suggestions and support everyone. 🙂

oh wow @CannonSalt ! I can totally relate to you about not wanting people in my room, I hate it when people go in and move my things around. Like you said, our rooms are supposed to be our sanctuary's, our private place to relax. I can imagine how upset you must have been after coming back home to find your room cleaned.

Its really sad to hear that you are being judged by your own family about your room 😞 It sounds really difficult not being allowed to throw anything out from your mum too.
It seems like you are taking the right first steps though, by doing small things like taking objects back to their destinations.

You can only do what you can. And if you feel pressured or anxious at home, its such a great idea to take a step back, go do something you enjoy for a moment (e.g. I love to go make myself a cup of tea and just stand outside for a minute and take in my surroundings- calms me down). What do you like to do that makes you happy?

I'm really glad you have shared your story here- hopefully people will read it and have similar experiences and realise they are not alone.

Zahlia

My personal style is approximately clean and tidy ... I dont want to be obssessive about stuff but figure some order helps creativity... I also have a public space ... a music studio.

For the last 2 years though I have felt like a rebellious teenager about my own bedroom ... I am also that dreadful critter called a mum ...but I have deliberately left piles of manilla files on the floor ... I step over them .. I figure they wont go mouldy or anything .... I had stuff to integrate into shelves etc when my mother died.

For me its about not having a room as a sanctuary before

and not feeling like am entitled to it now ... I actually own the whole bloody house now .... its so weird ... I do have a feeling that one day ... I will just tidy it all up and give myself a nice bedroom ... but ... oooooh ....the resistance

Dear @CannonSalt

Thank you for bringing up this dillema. I read you on @Aonaran s site and look what you have posted.

Over 30 years ago, I was in a terrible car accident (in a coma for over 6 weeks) then, homeless...etc. But what Ille remember the most painful thing was when I came home, my Mother had cleaned my room out and threw away all my individuality. It was heartbreaking. I wanted to be a punk. I was working hard to get a good cred name as someone who didnt use illegal substances .......

@CannonSalt im going through some of my own stuff with your post but to tell the truth,

You have @Appleblossom post, she and others like others like @Nay @InsideOut @Former-Member @Former-Member and others... think about hoping she's having a good day

I will keep on reading but am not able to respond at the moment..........

I am a collector! Family members also collect. However, I have noted when I was very ill, thinking about exit strategies, I tended to declutter, tidy away , that sort of thing. I hate feeling overwhelmed with stuff, it is like being owned by stuff.

As as I have gotten older, I find the need for stuff has lessened. I rarely buy music, books etc. I however buy yarn, and tins! I have the great good fortune to have my own house, and believe everything needs a place that is not on the floor or in heaped bags. With age, for me, the realisation that purchasing a thing is pleasurable at the time and then it becomes just a thing. My goal now with each year and with our church gala is to trim away stuff. I guess I was born naked, so I should end my life not too burdened with things. A legacy of some things of worth rather than an accumulation of things!

Wow, I'm overwhelmed by the response. Thank you everyone. Keep getting timed out when I want to reply!

@Zahlia , I think that all of us get frustrated, go through cleaning moods and focus on 'the other people's junk' in the house, while keeping hoards of our own - it's easier for me to clean a common area, or to help with a particular task than it is for me to do anything in my own room. When either of my parents go on trips, the other often decides to tackle a task in the common area that they think the absent partner would not approve of - nothing as major as gutting an entire room, though - removing impractical objects or cleaning out the food storage. Not all of the stuff my mother buys is impractical, too - it's just that she buys often, and doesn't always know if it'll truly be useful or where it will go in the house.

The idea of my room as my sanctuary was an idea that a former psych gave me when I was a teenager, and it was a bit of a revelation. I'm still wrapping my head around it in some ways. I wish I had more ideas on how to cope with my parents congratulating me on cleaning my room smugly. It can be risky to say 'what about your junk?'.

The 'culprits' (my mother and a friend) seemed to feel bad about making the choice to helpfully gut my room while I was away and mourning my grandfather, and I think that's why my room hasn't been gutted since. In that case, in addition to the usual reassertment of my self through my mess, I was so upset at 'the betrayal' that I fell into a depression which distracted me from my regular responsibilities for quite some time.

When I was a teenager, I earned some native plants by volunteering with council, and we planted them. (We meaning my mother agreed we should have them and chose the location and my father dug the holes.) They've grown up now and are in bloom - a lot of birds come and feed from them, and sometimes, mothers will point out the birds to their kidlets as they go by. Being able to see the flowers, see and hear the birds squabbling over their food, and imagine the mothers and kidlets enjoying them together makes me feel happy. I like that I earned those plants through my effort, that they feed the birds and that they make people happy. Don't worry, I have other activities that make me happy, too, but my plants are making me happy right now. 🙂

@Appleblossom - thank you so much for contributing to this conversation as an 'approximately clean and tidy' person, a mother and a 'rebellious teenager' - one of us, one of us! 😄
What do you think would make you feel as if you deserved a sanctuary? What do you tell your kids about stuff if they struggle with mess?

@PeppiPatty - thank you for having the courage to share your own experience with us. I'm sorry to hear of your troubles back then, and that upon your recovery, your room was gutted. It has been a source of embarrassment for me that my parents had to intervene/interfere in that way - I'm glad that I am not alone in this, and the painful feelings about it too.

@Neb - yeah - sometimes, when I've been 'going off the rails', I clean. I have felt 'owned by stuff' for ever. I have a dumb question, and I'm not trying to make fun of you - why does 'everything need a place that is not on the floor or in heaped bags'? I find that it is harder to find anything when it is 'all put away properly' - which is probably a sign that I have too much stuff in total.