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no foundation

CaileanCasual Contributor21 Nov 2017, 12:37 am AEDT

no foundation

hi everyone, im new here. i have been reading your stories & think you are all very incredible people and have a wealth of strength between you all.

I do not wish to overwhelm any one with a long post so will try and remain brief, I am very lucky I do not experience any suicidal ideation, but simply am living life with a heaviness that is all consuming.

I have issues with attachments. I am early 30's. My mother is unloving and has always been emotionally unavailable and my Father left when I was very young as a result i have little to do with them. I am a lesbian and have found myself in relationships for most of my life but have been single for about 9 months now. I tend to find people use me. I make them feel better. I find women do this too. I am in love with a wonderful woman & it is mutual - but for reasons I cannot get into we cannot be together. I feel like I am destined to roam the earth alone with my lack of healthy attachments and my shitty sexuality. No one seems to understand these issues around attachment due to not having a family base. Anyone out there who has got through this or similar?

Thanks so much for listening aka reading.

5 replies

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In response to: no foundation

Unknown userMember21 Nov 2017, 1:54 am AEDT

Re: no foundation

Hi @Cailean
Welcome to. The forums. I can relate to what you say about attachment issues because of family of origin stuff. I don't have any family and had a messy childhood I guess I could say. Married someone who was abusive and vey alone now with my difficulties sinceleaving him. It's hard most days... I kept hoping I could keep making things better but not seeing the light yet... Maybe one day.

In response to: Re: no foundation

CaileanCasual Contributor21 Nov 2017, 8:56 am AEDT

Re: no foundation

@Former-Member sorry tohear this. how do u manage the space your family has left in your life?

In response to: Re: no foundation

Unknown userMember21 Nov 2017, 6:44 pm AEDT

Re: no foundation

im not sure really @Cailean , its lonely i guess and feels hard at times... but im not good at reaching out to people either or maintaining things. assume that no one is permanent or truly cares perhaps and so dont try to put myself out there for the hurt that comes with losing someone, which gets reinforced too often.
How about you?

In response to: no foundation

utopiaSenior Contributor21 Nov 2017, 8:30 pm AEDT

Re: no foundation

@Cailean - yes I can relate. I had a very sexist father and I was aware from a young age how often he cheated on my mum. He was meant to be the role model for helping me find a suitable partner. Ha!!!
2 divorces later - I've been single for 10 years and I'm only 47.
So yes, family can really twist and warp our future relationships. That's why I think it's a good idea to speak with a psychologist or good counselor. It's important to look at what we've done in the past, that hasn't brought us any happiness & learn new ways of having meaningful fulfilling relationships.
It's not too late!

In response to: no foundation

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor21 Nov 2017, 8:47 pm AEDT

Re: no foundation

Hi @Cailean,

Welcome to Forum Land.

I have very significant attachment issues and can relate to some of what you are saying. I am a 40 year old woman and I've never had a romantic relationship aside from an icky abuse thing when I was a young teenager (I was 14 and he was a 32 year old youth group leader at the church I attended). I have a super long history of forming very intense non-romantic attachments, which have always resulted in the person disappearing from my world such that now I am extremely socially isolated. My parents are both dead and my siblings and I parted ways after my mother's funeral thirteen years ago.

So...I guess what I'm saying is that yes, I can very much relate to having attachment issues, but it sounds like they manifest differently for me than for you. There are many factors that contribute to my attachment issues and they are all kind-of tangled up into one gigantic muddle now.

Anyway, it is super nice to meet you and I hope you feel well-supported here in Forum Land. Have you taken a wander around the various threads? This is a good one to get to know people on: Good morning. There seems to be people chatting there at all times of the day!

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