sex

Oral intimacy so to speak is something that takes getting used to for either gender and as a general rule is for the partners gratification over ones own so I wouldn't see that as a reason to talk of adventurous nature that's pretty sad, penetration of any sort is merely one part of the physical act of love at least as I see it, I mean if there are time constrains then yeah but really that's just the final act, there is so many pleasure spots and finding them can be very enjoyable

Yes! Thank you for starting this conversation. My libido is screwed, to put it bluntly, as a result of my Borderline Personality Disorder, but that's about the only thing that's screwed around here, if you catch my drift... To make matters worse, my poor, long-suffering partner is one of those people who needs physical connection to feel love, which we discovered after doing the 5 Love Languages assessment from the website of the same name, based on the book by Gary Chapman, something I suspected was the case before we did the quiz. And he met me after terminating a sexless marriage, while I was in a hyper-sexual phase - something I'm prone to due to the unstable sense of self my BPD creates - only to now have to deal with the exact opposite. He's my carer too, so he gets to deal with the full gamut of my mental health trials & tribulations in all realms of my life.

I've tried to explain to him, it's not that I don't desire him, or desire the intimacy & physical pleasure, it's just that I don't like myself enough to allow that to happen these days, or I lack faith in my abilities enough that I don't know if I can perform sufficiently. . . but it's so difficult to convey low self-esteem & self-confidence to someone who's never struggled with that, or with mental health issues, & therefore can't fathom the pervasiveness of such negative thoughts & their repercussions, which is something I have found when explaining many of my symptoms to him. I'm totally at a loss as to what to do next - I love him to death, & still find him sexy & desirable, however I don't want to have sex with myself, therefore he misses out too.

I wish we could go to couples' counselling or a sexologist or similar, but due to my BPD, I'm on the pension because I can't work, & he's my carer full time & not working either, so we're poor, & therefore that stuff's out of reach financially.

Reviving this topic cause its such a relevent one for me. I am bipolar and am on a lot of different medications. When i first started dating my partner we had a great connection sexually. This quickly waned as i went on more meds till now 5 years later we were having sex only a few times a year. We connect amazingly in every other aspect of our lives but this vital piece is missing. My partner says he feels like he's having sex with someone doing it cause they have to. I want to fix this but i don't know where to start. I just have no thoughts of sex or interest. I want the connection to be there again and i miss the closeness we had. Where do i start? Any ideas on how to fix this?

@Ruby_Bear I would love to help if I could but I am in the opposite side of a similar situation. My wife and I love sex but for one reason or another we just don’t sync. I feel like I always want it and I am annoying her about it. She feels bad for not wanting. I do shift work and it sometimes makes it difficult to cause she will feel like it but I am at work or so tired that all I want to do is sleep. I wish I could be more help and I hope this starts the conversation going

@Ruby_Bear I’m a little like you, that I don’t have any interest either. My husband sees sex as love, I see sex as sex - I attach no love at all.

I was sexually abused between age 8 to 12. At 8 by a group of 4, 1 of these people assaulted me again a couple of weeks later. I was assaulted at 10 by another person and then by an old man for almost 2 years while I was 11 and 12. By the end of the last assault it was becoming frequent and violent. I also never told or spoke of the abuse for 40 years.

When I married my husband I told him I had been sexually abused but gave no real detail. About 20months ago something happened that put us into marriage councilling and it was during a session that I realised just how

differently I thought about sex. This realisation about sex then put me into one on one councilling to help with my past sexual abuse.

My husband feels love and sex are the same thing, that having sex shows how much you love each other. For me, sex has nothing to do with love. From that very first time at age 8, sex was painful, confusing and done TO me, not WITH me. I don’t think there will ever be a time where sex means anything more than an act that I put up with for the sake of my husband.

I can’t stand anyone actually touching me, massages are my worst nightmare, dancing as a couple makes my skin crawl, anything “sensual” that involves touching I hate.

But like you, I want that connection too. Unfortunately I have no answer for you on how to fix it. Through councilling my husband now knows about the abuse, he knows every horrible detail so he approaches sex differently now and is more understanding when I just don’t want it. I see it as a chore and I could

live without it for the rest of my life, but that is unfair on him so I do just sometimes “do it” for him.

Hi @Ant7 . Sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like you do have a connection with your wife, just the timing is a little off? I don’t think you are alone in having a higher sex drive than your partner, generally speaking I think more men have a higher sex drive than women. I may be completely wrong, I’m pretty much going by conversations with my husband and women friends, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a woman say she wanted it more than her male partner. Not that this would help much with your own self esteem, being turned down - I know it played havoc with my husbands until he learned what was behind my rejections.

I hope you and your wife can continue to enjoy sex, I do envy couples that have that closeness.

@Razzle I am sorry to hear about the abuse you had to suffer I really hate that anyone has to go through that. Thanks for the kind words I really appreciate it I do love my wife thanks again .