Hi Owen
Wow. It's like you wrote my reality.
Sorry if this seems disjointed at times. Hopefully you can relate to my story as I have with yours.
I'm 55 and have recently lost the love of a lady I was deeply in love with - and I know deep down she loved me deeply as well. I can see how I sabotaged the relationship - and have just come to accept that I've been doing it all my life. I've never married or had children, but have been blessed with the love of several beautiful and wonderful ladies throughout my life.
When I say sabotaged, I don't mean in a hurtful or nasty way. It seems that when they fall in love with me, I then start slowly dismantling the relationship. I tend to make poor choices which then effect and eat away at the connection with my partner. And these decisions are more to do with NOT saying or doing things. Sometimes when I know they need to be said, or done. I'm starting to see that I make these decisions out of fear - fear of what? - I'm not sure about yet. But I think (pretty sure) it's got something to do with avoiding emotional pain. The scary part of that is, that the final outcome brings HUGE emotional pain, such as the deep sense of loss and grief I'm experiencing now. I think, on some levels, I was aware of it happening this time, but something kept me there, continuing to make poor decisions, sometimes even telling myself I was being supportive, and sensitive, compassionate. And, generally, I am. Everyone tells me that I'm a wonderful, sensitive, generous person, with so much to offer, and I agree, but I just seem to keep screwing up in this way.
Biggest mistake? I didn't talk to her about it. Even though we'd made a pact with each other in the beginning to always tell each other everything. I talked to her about most things, but not this "sabotage" thing. I genuinely feel that if I had talked to her about it, we'd still be together. I was doing my best - kind of, but also doing my worst at the same time. I'm still trying to work it out. I get confused sometimes and just go numb about it. It feels huge. The last thing I can think about right now is meeting someone else, loving someone else, but I know when I do, I have to have this sorted out. When we met, it was a mutual feeling of "we wanted to fall in love just one more time" - I feel I'll be exremely lucky to find love again - and I can't afford to lose another. I miss her, and us, so very deeply.
When we broke up - it was kind of mutual at the time - I can see now that she was probably needing/wanting to get out - and I think at the time I sensed it. At the time I had been losing sleep - and hadn't slept at all for 3 days - so I was probably borderline insane. On that day when we broke up, I was so weak and fearful of losing her, I had no "fight" in me, and just let it all disintegrate in front of me. I had nothing left to give. Nothing to offer up at the time. If it makes sense, I'd lost myself. There was no nastiness, or agression, but I did say one or two things I regret. In the end, we held each other and cried for ages, maybe an hour. But I said nothing to turn it around. Another poor choice/decision - and watched her drive away, She even turned to me just before she got in her car - as if to give me a chance to run after her and stop the craziness of it all, but I stayed silent - didn't occur to me at the time to do it, but now I think "Why the hell didn't I?!!" Pretty much as soon as she drove away, I started grieving deeply, and have been for 3 months now. To be honest, it isn't diminishing. Some days are better than others - some days I can barely get out of bed. Some days I don't recognise who I am any more.
Now, with my awareness, it's been a bit like waking up from a long, blurry, bad dream. But the reality is, I've lost what's most important to me. When I do sleep, I'm starting to dream of her, and us - then I wake, and have trouble getting back to sleep. At first I was having suicidal thoughts. Now, its mostly a helpless feeling - "how will I ever replace the love we had?"
Quite often, I see myself as a broken man, with nothing to offer but sadness, and this bad habit. I know that this isn't true, but for now, its what I'm fighting, and feeling.
I tend to focus on what isn't perfect, rather than all of the wonderful elements of the relationship.
I'm really struggling lately, sleeping very little and fearful of a future alone if I don't sort this out. Every day is just about getting through. Depression. Tears. Longing. Anger at myself. Keeping a brave face on when I have to - just holding it together enough to not drop my bundle completely and maybe lose everything - work, my home. It's a lonely, empty place where I am right now. I'm at the stage where I'm embarrassed to talk to anyone I know about it because "they've heard it all before" - my words, not theirs, but I can sense that even the closest of friends and family are growing weary of "my stuff". Sometime it feels pathetic to me as well.
I know I'm still in grieving mode. Crazy - I destroyed it, and now I'm grieving the loss of it. Sometimes (I know I'm maybe kidding myself) I have hope that I can reunite with her. She has moved on though - very quickly - maybe as much a measure of how I just "wasnt there" emotionally in the end.
I tend to become melancholy in the relationship, when in the beginning, I'm Mr Happy and Mr Well Adjusted. And as you say, I tend to justify the outcome as its happening, but that based upon an unhealthy approach to it all. It's almost like its not really happening, when in fact, I'm making it happen.
Owen, you're doing great by starting in this forum - and it's great that you are owning the problem. Keep working on it so you can truly recognise it next time.
I hope some of this helps, even if just knowing you're not alone.
Take care.
