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I wish I could be free.

shortstack89Casual Contributor13 Nov 2017, 9:01 pm AEDT

I wish I could be free.

I wish I could be free of this anxiety that haunts me everyday. I used to be able to deal with it, to compress it. Now sometimes I just feel consumed by it. I feel as though I don't know myself. Like I have lost my identity somewhere along the way. The intrusive thoughts, that use my darkest fears against me. The horrible thoughts of my loved ones dying, of not being beautiful, not worthy of life or happiness, that it will all just be taken away from me any moment. Not being able to be truly happy in fear that being too happy will cause sonething awful to happen. Then feeling guilty becase other people have it worse than I do, I shoudln't complain or feel this way, The self hate talk, the trash that is left behind from trauma. How do I eradicate this filth from my brain? How do I let go, when I have only just been able to express what I have been through in the last seven years. After 22 years of keeping it all to myself. The trauma, the darkness. I am so worried that by sharing my experience, I have opened up pandoras box. Feeling so lost. Longing for a life without self hate, I wish I could see myself through the eyes of others, insted of my vision being clouded by my anxiety, and the war that is going on in my head.

5 replies

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In response to: I wish I could be free.

QueenieSenior Contributor13 Nov 2017, 10:00 pm AEDT

Re: I wish I could be free.

Hi there @shortstack89 and welcome to the forums!

I hear what you're saying about your anxiety. Sometimes anxiety, especially fuelled by trauma, can be very controlling. Do you see a psychologist or trauma counsellor at all? You can see a psychologist under a mental health care plan (MHCP) which is referred by your GP either free under Medicare, or at a greatly reduced cost.

Sometimes mental health conditions do seem to take over our identity and we lose touch with ourselves and who we are. Especially if there is negative self-talk or hatred of ourselves. It is almost like you have to 'rediscover' who you really are, beneath the layers of built-up dark thoughts.

Feel free to keep posting here. I find sometimes just talking about what is happening for you, helps a little to find ourselves once more.

Warmest of welcomes once again.

In response to: Re: I wish I could be free.

shortstack89Casual Contributor13 Nov 2017, 10:15 pm AEDT

Re: I wish I could be free.

Hi @Queenie,

Thank you for your response. I feel most welcome and comforted by your support. I love the quote at the end! I don't currently see anyone about my anxiety. It sounds silly, but i was anxious to do so. I plan to speak with my GP though to see if she has someone she may reccomend. I have had some awkward experiences in the past so its important that I open my mind and enter the next partof my jourey with and open heart. I appreciate your words and warm welcome. I will continue to post, it has really helped me tonight, It was really hard at first, but I do feel better for it. What a rollercoaster!

Thanks again 🙂

Follow your inner moonlight; dont hide the madness- Allen Ginsberg

In response to: Re: I wish I could be free.

QueenieSenior Contributor13 Nov 2017, 10:19 pm AEDT

Re: I wish I could be free.

I'm glad you feel better for posting. We are a friendly and supportive bunch here and there are many of us here at SANE who could relate to your story.

It sounds like you have a clear objective and goal of where you want to be and what to do next. That's half the battle won, so well done!

In response to: Re: I wish I could be free.

AppleblossomSenior Contributor14 Nov 2017, 2:06 am AEDT

Re: I wish I could be free.

Wow

Your sign off quote is great too @shortstack89

Sometimes I go for a walk with my skeletons.

Sorry you have lost loved ones.

I love @Queenie and her tagline.

Hope her gf does not get jealous... its platonic.

In response to: I wish I could be free.

frogSenior Contributor14 Nov 2017, 8:09 pm AEDT

Re: I wish I could be free.

Hi @shortstack89 Just wanted to say welcome, and I also feel some of what you do re anxiety. It's a blight and so exhausting. I hope you find some solidarity here.

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